HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS

[prinzeza87]

Hi everybody, this is going to b a long one so I hope y’all get the point and kinda give me any advice or share experiences.
In august we’ll be celebrating our 2nd year anniversary, we met through friends in common but we’ve never live close by or share daily life physically together, except the first week when we met for the first time back on 2011 and the 2 weeks I spent with him in his base in Japan this last March month.
We started talking about moving in 2gether for reals like around when we had 6 months of talking, now finally we are actually planning the moving in by this year since his coming back to the states (not sure where his gonna be stationed at yet but we’re already looking at houses around the areas his most likely to be moved to) oh yes I’ve been exited and I cant wait till this happens after almost 2 years of waiting for this moment.
My SO is a guy with a strong personality, ambition, confident and smart so he’s more than sure that he wants to do this, it’s ironic how we are able to deal with a long distance relationship but we do not know if living and sharing a life together its going to work so we agreed on living at least 6 months 2gether to c if we actually get along to each other etc even when we are sure of our feelings blah blah and then we’ll get marry  yey
But there’s 2 main issues that’s making me have second thoughts now,
First of all its that this is going to be a big movement financially and emotionally, I have never been away or at least not that far from my family, I’m sure ill eventually adapt to that, anyways I love him and I do want to commit to him and our relationship and work things out no matter what like we have been doing it till this day, buuuuut here’s the main thing; I have an almost 3yr old daughter that I love to death even though sometimes she makes me lose it! But it’s my princess and her dad it’s an excellent dad and man (we just couldn’t get along together and things didn’t work out obviously) and his very close to our baby, every time he gets a chance he takes her with him for a few hours and every other weekend he takes her with him, even his family takes her sometimes for a few days.
I know that my ex it’s going to fight for a full custody when we file for it, and my lawyer told me already I cannot take her to live out of the state without a judge’s order and in order for me to be able to take her I have to prove that I’m a stable mother with a habitable home stable job or income, or if not a good reason why im moving out of the state like school, which I will be attending once that im over there and find all the info I need n then apply n enroll in college, but that’s gonna take time, Im guessing if everything goes well I might start next year.
So that means that I won’t have much choice but to leave without her at first and then move fast to get everything ready and try to get full custody or temporal custody, I will probably have to fight for that because my ex has told me more than twice that he will not for any reason let me take her away from him, and I understand because that’s his right and so it’s mine, and it hurts me already because I wish my daughter wouldn’t have to go through all this hard process, she does not deserve it . So now I’m like what do I do, my SO is willing to wait for me but one day I will eventually have to move w him with, and since he’s in the military we have to b where his orders says to, I could either leave and try to get her w me later or if the judge does not approve the full custody try to get her for vacation periods or something like that. I know my ex will make all this a huge deal even if he gets the custody because he kinda still have feelings for me and he will talk crap to me (as usually when he gets mad) like I’m the worst mother in the world for leaving her etc. etc. or what if I leave and after a while I miss her so much that will affect my relationship till the point of moving back home. My SO told me that if I’m having second thoughts I shouldn’t do this and move with him even if he loves me that much. Would it be that I would have to give up on my relationship with my SO breaking my own heart and feelings and his for the sake of my daughter? Am I thinking too much? Or exaggerating?

Oh god please some advice 

[Zephii]

I'm sorry this is going to come out harsh but your daughter is your top priority and it's downright wrong of you to file for sole custody of her when her dad is a great loving guy and his family reach out and embrace her. It's selfish and he doesn't deserve it.
I also think leaving her so you can set up a life with your SO is wrong. She's not going to understand where you've gone or why, and even if it's only a couple of months, that's forever to a child.

I don't see why you need to lose your SO, there's always more options when it comes to closing the distance, like waiting until he can come to you. So do look at other options before you give up hope - but if it comes down to it, if it's between your daughter and your SO you need to do the right thing and stay with your child. Your SO doesn't need you, but she does. Moreover, you bought her into this world. It's your responsibility, your sacrifice. Sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest.

[CandiCandi]

I am probably also going to come off harsh, but in reality, I have learned from two experiences. Here's my point of view, from four different points of view:

[A] The child whose mother DID move away to be with her fiancé when I was a child: I was about twelve. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. She would come and go, because of men. This was no exception. She moved to Aurora, Colorado to be with this guy. I resented her for it for years. I'm over it now and we live together, the relationship is still kinda difficult, but it is better than it was when she moved. I had all the teenage angst built up you could imagine. I couldn't understand why she would put a man before her daughter, nor do I to this day.

[B] Someone who is dating someone with children in a long distance relationship: Granted, my situation is a bit different, given that my boyfriend is not enlisted in any of the services, when we first got together, we were on the same page that he would not be moving here. I would be moving up there. I do not want to nor will I put a strain on his relationship with his kids. It's selfish.

[C] Someone who is engaged to a great father to his kids, whose "mother of children" threatens pretty much everything in the legal family book: I can't understand it. I will not understand it. My fiancé constantly talks about the love he has for his children. He would put his LIFE on the line for them and it sounds like your ex would too for your daughter. If he was abusive, if he was a deadbeat, I would get filing for sole custody, but he isn't. You are basically telling us that he is everything a father should be. Don't do that to your daughter, either. It WILL break her heart. She will resent you for it. I am SPEAKING from experience of going through a custody battle - I still have built up anger towards my parents for all they put me through. Joint custody, yes, sole custody, don't.

[D] Someone whose father isn't in her life: You don't know how lucky you are to have gotten someone who is willing to be in your daughter's life. He isn't a "sperm donor". He didn't just walk away when you got pregnant. Etc...

Also, I could understand if your ex was abusive or whatever else, but he isn't. He is fully involved in your daughter's life and I can kind of see his point of view. Your daughter should come first. My fiancé's sons come first and I will always accept that. I understand love is a strong emotion, but you need to transfer that love to your daughter. It's irresponsible and careless to not be in her life. Again, I realize this may be harsh, but I am just feeling everything from the experiences versus your story.

Please listen to someone who is a product of every situation you just mentioned...joint custody, not sole. Put your daughter first. You can still be with your SO. My friend didn't get to be with her husband for 5+ years because he was in the military. They are married now. If you love him and you also love your daughter, wait for your daughter's sake. It sounds like your SO will understand and is a pretty patient person. Don't rush it. I have no doubt you love your daughter at ALL, but please put her first and don't let your anger towards whatever happened in your relationship with your ex effect your daughter's relationship with her father. He doesn't deserve it and neither does your daughter. Let them have a healthy bond.

[prinzeza87]

oh lord believe me i've being thinking all of these, yeah sounds harsh but its nothing but reality. ive never thought that this was gonna b this hard, we have come this far, we are dying to be with each other, we have been planning this so much. i know there is always a solution to everything. forgot to mention that my SO has a 4 yr old boy too, but his situation its way different and much easier than mine so that doesn't causes any hold back at all. for some reason i have this feeling thats scaring me, i feel and think that if i stay here for the sake n love of my daughter, with time our relationship its gonna become cold, distant leading us to brake up, maybe im thinking too much and this would never happen. i live in a very small town where there's really not mach opportunities here, so waiting for my SO to finish his time w the military and come live here its not an option, i even wouldn't want it that. im so scared to get to the point of choosing between my daughter and my love, my SO isn't putting me in that situation, like he said if im having second thoughts i should not move at all then.
ive been mentally stressing out lately, i don't talk about this with anyone but my SO and now here.
this is not easy at all and its already hurting me, deep inside i knw im not gonna b a mother that rather leave her daughter for, well not just a guy , he's my love.
its hard to understand, it hurts ...
thanks for reading me

[Karringtyn]

I have an amazing ex. He is the father to my three children. We share joint custody. I said it straight up to my fiance' from the beginning. I could not move. In our divorce papers we can't move more than 35 miles from each other. My fiance' knew this...and still we went forth in a relationship...knowing full well he would be the one having to move here if it got to that point. 2.5 years later he is living here. Had he not moved here....we would have ended. My children come first and foremost. yes he is the love of my life...but my kids are my heart and soul.

Much luck to you.

[Moon]

I'm going to attempt to answer this without too much anger coming out, but no promises.

No. Just no. You don't get to do this.

I'm sorry, but you have a child, your wants and feelings don't matter much anymore, and they won't again for a looooong time. You should have considered that before becoming a mother. Does it suck? Yup, it does, but you chose this and now you have to live up to the 18 year minimum responsibility that you took. How could you even consider taking that poor little girl away from a father that loves her, is interested and wants to be involved in her life? That's selfish. Do you have any idea how many fathers skip out on their children, especially young ones? Severing this relationship on your daughter will have an impact that will affect her whole life, just because you found a boyfriend who lives far away. Is that really what you want for her?

I had my daughter at 18, I had to give up on a potentially amazing relationship with a guy from San Diego, because I could not move. His work contract ended where he was in New Jersey, and he had to go back. My daughter was about 6 at the time, and regardless of the pain it caused me, she came first. She's 23 now, and the real love of my life lives in Helsinki, but until she's fully established, I STILL won't consider moving. So yeah, that's how it goes.

If you want to, you could always choose your boyfriend over your daughter and give up custody yourself. Of course your daughter will always wonder why she wasn't good enough, and why her mother abandoned her, but hey, you'll get what you want, right?

I do not apologize in the least for the harshness of my post, this is something that I obviously have very strong feelings about. When you have a child, you don't get to be the important one anymore, deal with it. You might love him, but your daughter needs you to do the right thing for her, she did not ask to be born. If she's fortunate enough to have a mother and father that want and love her, then that's what you give her, even at the sacrifice of your own happiness. For the record, I'm not the mommy type, I don't even like kids to be honest, but when you have them, you need to do the best job you can for them. You have no idea how lucky you are to have your ex involved in her life, do not take that away from her, your boyfriend is not a substitute.

[blankita719]

I'm going to side with all the other ladies here. I have a son whose father is NOT involved in his life. And you would want to take your daughter from a loving, supportive, involved father?

Like Moon said, you could always give up custody of your daughter but let me tell you how that effects the kids. My SO has full custody of his son for this very same reason - the mother wanted to move to another state and decided she wanted that more than she wanted to be fair to my SO who had shared 50/50 custody since their child was born. His son misses his mother but has grown pretty distant from her as a result of this. In fact, this past spring break was the first time he chose to go visit her in almost 2 years. Because she chose her current husband's needs over her son's.

Our children are a package deal. We aren't closing the distance nearly as soon as we want to because our children come first. If you and your boyfriend are committed to it, then you will figure out a way to make it work. You've barely spent any time with this guy but you would take your daughter to another country to live with a stranger to her?

Your child should always be your number 1 priority. Any man who doesn't understand and accept that isn't the right man for a woman with a child.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[prinzeza87]

of course all of u guys r more than right. just to leave it clear my SO has never put me in the situation of choosing between him or my daughter for the simple reason that he has a son too so he understands. all these thoughts comes from my stress of thinking what would i do if the worse comes. (i dnt use it as an excuse but my medical condition makes me stress out way more mentally n emotionally than normal people)
i never said i would take her to live to another country, believe it if i was that kind of mother i would of left with her or without her a looong time ago when my SO asked me to move with him to japan.
but i needed to read all of these, to hear different point of views n experiences even though it sounds harsh,but to kinda stop myself from thinking way more than it is, i appreciate u guys for sharing ur opinions , i just dont want u guys to get that wrong selfish image of me. in addition there was mental abuse from my ex towards me many times n physical once in front of our daughter, i never pressed charges against him, i could of use this against him if i really wanted to take her away from him, but we r working our differences out for her.
i know n we both know that if we are truly meant to be 2gether we will find a way to b 2gether this year or when ever is meant to be by doing it the right way and if for whatever reason we dont make it, eventually we will move forward with our lives somehow...

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I am probably also going to come off harsh, but in reality, I have learned from two experiences. Here's my point of view, from four different points of view:

[A] The child whose mother DID move away to be with her fiancé when I was a child: I was about twelve. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. She would come and go, because of men. This was no exception. She moved to Aurora, Colorado to be with this guy. I resented her for it for years. I'm over it now and we live together, the relationship is still kinda difficult, but it is better than it was when she moved. I had all the teenage angst built up you could imagine. I couldn't understand why she would put a man before her daughter, nor do I to this day.

[B] Someone who is dating someone with children in a long distance relationship: Granted, my situation is a bit different, given that my boyfriend is not enlisted in any of the services, when we first got together, we were on the same page that he would not be moving here. I would be moving up there. I do not want to nor will I put a strain on his relationship with his kids. It's selfish.

[C] Someone who is engaged to a great father to his kids, whose "mother of children" threatens pretty much everything in the legal family book: I can't understand it. I will not understand it. My fiancé constantly talks about the love he has for his children. He would put his LIFE on the line for them and it sounds like your ex would too for your daughter. If he was abusive, if he was a deadbeat, I would get filing for sole custody, but he isn't. You are basically telling us that he is everything a father should be. Don't do that to your daughter, either. It WILL break her heart. She will resent you for it. I am SPEAKING from experience of going through a custody battle - I still have built up anger towards my parents for all they put me through. Joint custody, yes, sole custody, don't.

[D] Someone whose father isn't in her life: You don't know how lucky you are to have gotten someone who is willing to be in your daughter's life. He isn't a "sperm donor". He didn't just walk away when you got pregnant. Etc...

Also, I could understand if your ex was abusive or whatever else, but he isn't. He is fully involved in your daughter's life and I can kind of see his point of view. Your daughter should come first. My fiancé's sons come first and I will always accept that. I understand love is a strong emotion, but you need to transfer that love to your daughter. It's irresponsible and careless to not be in her life. Again, I realize this may be harsh, but I am just feeling everything from the experiences versus your story.

Please listen to someone who is a product of every situation you just mentioned...joint custody, not sole. Put your daughter first. You can still be with your SO. My friend didn't get to be with her husband for 5+ years because he was in the military. They are married now. If you love him and you also love your daughter, wait for your daughter's sake. It sounds like your SO will understand and is a pretty patient person. Don't rush it. I have no doubt you love your daughter at ALL, but please put her first and don't let your anger towards whatever happened in your relationship with your ex effect your daughter's relationship with her father. He doesn't deserve it and neither does your daughter. Let them have a healthy bond.

This is very, VERY sound advice!

[MeeshaLenee]

I also support CandiCandi's advice. I can totally understand why everyone's so opinionated on this issue--parents are so, so important to their children. I'm not a parent myself, but I know how much I value my parents, and I have a cool perspective on this with my youngest brother. He's 15 years younger than me, so I'm kind of like a third parent to him--on the one hand, I'm an important part of his life, and he depends on me for so much, but on the other, I see how no one, absolutely no one, can take the place of his real parents. I may come pretty close to being that important, but I'm never going to mean as much to him as Mom and Dad do.

Anyway, I just wanted to put in my two cents, with some encouragement. It can't be easy to go through this--I can tell from reading your posts that this is such a heartwrenching issue for you, because you know what the right thing to do is, and it's not what you WANT to do. I don't have anything this huge going on in my life, but I know on a smaller scale how much it hurts, wanting two things that seem so incompatible, and knowing which one you should choose but not wanting to give up the other thing. So I can only imagine how hard this must be.
But it'll be okay. Do the right thing, and you won't regret it. Hopefully you can work things out so you can be with your SO someday, and still let your daughter have both of her loving parents in her life. Whatever happens, though, your daughter will thank you for putting her first. Good luck.