How do you decide which partner should move when closing the distance ?

[Sugar]

This is somethig that has been in my head for a while even though closing the distance won't happen for us until in 3-4 years.
Well, in our situation: My SO is enlisted in the military currently for the next 4 years. He is not sure yet if he wants to re-enlist for another 2 years or so after that and is seriously considering doing something that is out od the field, like starting a dog boarding kennel or something.
Fo my part, I am a student and wont be able to graduate before 2016 !

So far, whenever we talked about the future, it sounded like it is clear for him that i will move to the USA. His argument is the language. And that due to the army and what he is doing there, he is bound to his state right now.
Well, but on the other hand, I have things that want me to stay in germany, too ?? My family for example ? His family lives in Hongkong, so he doesnt see them often anyway. But yeah, i am kind of close with my family and i am already scared of that day when i would have to say goodbye ( my mom cannot go on transatlantic flights because she is too scared). Yeah, been there, done that already and i dont want to do this again to be honest...

So, how did you guys decide who should move ? For me, I would do it for him but only if i know he would do it for me either. It is weird how he says he cant move because of the military, but once he is not enlisted anymore ? How should it be harder for an American in Germany than for a German in America?

[Zephii]

I really believe that neither should move until each has lived in the other's country and given it a go but that's not always an option.

The thing is, if the person who moves does it under duress, they will not find happiness, generally. You have to want to do it.

Luckily you have time to talk about it, time to make a plan.

For us personally, we decided that neither of us would move permanently. It's not easy and it's not the most common option, but it's what works for us. Right now we're in my country, but eventually we'll go back to his for a few years. We've both chosen careers/jobs that are up-rootabale and don't rely on seniority for the wage.
Give it time, and you will find a solution that works for both of you.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

Given that my SO and I are in the same country it's not quite so difficult to move but in my case, with my daughter and needing to be close to family I can't realistically move to the other side of the country. I lived interstate from my friends/family before and it almost broke me. My SO and I have discussed closing the distance with each other and he has made the decision of his own volition (without any coercion or suggestion from me) to move to me when the time is right. That may not be for a good few years yet depending on his study plans.

[kittyo9]

For us, it wasn't really a contest. My boyfriend knows that he has much better opportunities in other countries, and I agree. We both want to move somewhere else, but if it came down to it, he would move here, because I don't speak Spanish and we both will have a much higher quality of life here in the US.

Germany and the US are pretty similar quality-of-life-wise, so I would look at opportunities and capabilities. Your SO doesn't speak German (yet)-- would he be able to find a career in Germany? Would you be able to find a career in the US? You might also consider one of you moving for a few years but planning to move to the other country for a few years afterwards to get a taste of each.

[aomnomnom]

My bf is also in the military but he hates it, so he will get out soon. Then he will use his GI bill to finish college and get a better job. He has to live in the states to get the benefit. For me I have lived in the States before (briefly) and I like it there, so, its obvious that I dont mind moving. I speak English quite well so my chance is better there. I also have a family here in Thailand, but in my case we are not that close. so, its not really a big sacrifice or anything. I will be done with college by the end of this year, so, my plan is to go visit him for a couple months and see how things will work out (then we get married and settle there with him).

I used to feel like he doesnt care about moving here and ask myself why am i willing to do so much for this person too... but now I just try to think realisticly and not take it personally. If you think he is worth it then try to meet half way? Maybe you move there on a condition that he would come visit your family two times a year or soemthing like that? Goodluck

[Kiyama]

You definitely have options and maybe he isn't aware of. I know that because my SO is American and he lived in Germany for eight years. He used to be in the army and still works for the government but as a civilian. Does he have a degree or something? There are a lot of options for Americans to work on a base here and then the language wouldn't be a massive problem anymore..

Generally I would recommend that you try both countries. Is there an option of you living with him for a while in the US to try and see how you like it? An exchange year or over summer? And maybe if he isn't in the army anymore he can do the same? Because I agree with Zephii that you should get to know the country first. I lived in the US for three months and I've been there a few times since. I like it and it is simliar to Germany in many ways but yet it's not the same.

For us it's still not sure what's going to happen. He's going to try to move back to Germany. He loved living here so it's no issue for him and he's ok with being away from his family. For me I have better options job wise in Germany but I'm also open about living in the US for a while if he can't come here within a year from now. I understand the family issue though as I feel a little bit like that so for me moving to the US would only be a temporaty option, which is fine for me SO though.

It seems like you have a lot of time to make a final decision so that means time to try it out and get to know each other's countries

[lucybelle]

Look at this thread I started a while ago. It has 3 pages of people explaining why which person moved to the other. Every case is different. Your feelings about the USA may change in the next 4 years, and he might change his mind about Germany. Either way, I think it would be important for him to learn German just so he can communicate with your family and feel more comfortable while in Germany.

Also, could he look into working on one of the US bases in Germany?

[staystrong12]

We decided that I'd be moving up there, probably next year. Unlike me, he actually has a job there and is about to start at a college there, so he can't just leave in the middle of all that. I'm doing my jobs and education online, so I can live anywhere.

[lademoiselle]

Hmm, this wouldn't be an easy decision for us. On the one hand my SO is quite well established in his country (for a recent graduate) in terms of career. He also has a wide support network of friends and family which I find it very hard to imagine taking him away from "forever". I'm quite the opposite in both respects. However, while my SO is more than fluent in English, my French skills are the most basic! What we plan to do is wait until I've completed my degree, then see where we stand; all we can do for now is take it one day at a time.

[Dziubka]

We haven't made the final decision yet. We're living together in my country (Germany) right now, but I'm going to his (Poland) in October and he's going to follow me in Febuary, so we'll be living there together for some time.

If you want to close the distance, one person eventually has to give up the comfort of living near their family or in their native country. Zephii's right that for them to be happy in their new place, they have to want to move.
Take your time to get to know each other's countries and consider different options. I don't know a thing about the army, but could he get stationed in Germany?

For me, I would do it for him but only if i know he would do it for me either.

That is not always a fair approach imho. Moving away from their country and friends can be easy for one person and really hard for another.
I love my family, but I've been living away from them for years and I'm fine seeing my mum a couple of times a year and talking on the phone for the rest of the time. I also speak my boyfriend's language fluently, which makes living there a lot easier for me. My boyfriend on the other hand has lived with his parents until recently and is still learning my language.
It was a lot more difficult for him to move here, than it would have been the other way round and I would have accepted it completely, if he hadn't wanted to move.

[Adora]

We've not really got too muc into it, however I would most likely have to move to US from Scotland, seeing as my SO children are there and understandably so would not want to leave them. I on the other hand can't bear thinking about leaving my family. I guess like Lademoiselle says we'll take it one day at a time

[Zephii]

For me, I would do it for him but only if i know he would do it for me either.

I really agree with this actually. One of the big reasons I moved to Canada was because at that time Obi refused point blank to move here with me for any period of time. He actually told me once that he never wanted to come back to Australia for a extended period of time. (I was a bit crushed) And that put a lot of strain on our relationship - because not only did I know that wasn't at all fair, other people around us also knew his stance on the matter and didn't hesitate to let me know I was getting the short end of the stick.
On the other hand, our countries both speak English so it's easier.

But resentment can build pretty quick if you make a difficult sacrifice for someone knowing they'd never do it for you.

[Sora1101]

I'll probably always be the one to move no matter the situation, I have nothing holding me here except a few friends I will miss while my SO depends on his friends for his source of income (they all work together in their own business) so it will always be easier for me to pick up and leave rather than drag my SO and all his friends to me. The best way to do it is talk about it, who will have a harder time finding a job, who will miss their family the most, who can handle moving away from friends. If both of you are about equal you can always live in one place for a few years and then switch and live in the others place for a few years.

[Dezface]

For us it was always understood that I would be the one to move. He has a child that he can not leave and I get that. I worry sometimes that I'll resent the fact that I'm the one who has to give up everything but I think that's just a normal emotion to be dealt with. I want to be with him more than I want to be here and it's as simple as that.

[MadMolly]

I live in NZ, but I'm not a Kiwi and have always wanted to move out of this country. I've never felt "at home" here. I'd love to go back to Australia, where I'm from and where I grew up, but my immediate family live in NZ too now so I'd be on my own no matter where I go. If we continue down this LDR road, I would be the one to move to Canada. He has way too many commitments in his country and besides, he worked hard to get his Canadian citizenship, and he loves it there! I have no real connection to any country so I'm happy to live anywhere really. Plus I think Canada is awesome. (Not as awesome as Australia, but it's a close second...)