Compromise

[Zephii]

You can't live without it really.

As y'all know, I've had reoccuring issues with Canada. Lots of issues. And that made me scared. Scared that to be with the man I love I'd have to live forever in a country I'd begun to hate... but, I have friends here, and his family, and I don't want to live forever in Australia either. A bit of a mess really.

It's not an easy thing for us to talk about. It's hard to give ground, hard to find innovative solutions. But I put my foot down, and stated that I'm not living here forever. Just having that out on the table made me feel better.

I realised that the main reason I wanted to do Uni was so that I knew we'd go home at least for a little while, because without a reason to go back I was afraid he'd just refuse. He's very practical. He's told me before he doesn't want to bounce back and forth.

So, because it's my job to overcome these problems, I thought long and hard and came up with a new plan, a plan hopefully both of us can be happy with.

Our new plan is a lot more risky, but the last big risk I took (flying to meet him) really paid off, so why not jump in with both feet for round two? hehe.

We don't know exactly when we'll go home now or for how long, but we know we will. Hell, we might travel too, see some of the world before we pop out the bratlets. And speaking of those, he understands I'm going to want to do said popping in my own country, at least the first round, and that too is ok.

We both gave ground, both made sacrifices but also get something else we want in return. I'm happy. The future doesn't scare me any more.

So! To make this not as much about me - What compromises have you all made recently? Do you want to share your big scary future plans?

[NaNi]

My SO and I haven't made any big compromises yet, but I will finish school in 2 years and since we want to live together... one will have to move. My SO lives in New Zealand and I live in Germany. Over 11,500 miles. I love my SO's country so much (I've been there for 5 weeks), but thinking about leaving my very best friend and my mom (especially mom!)... makes it kinda hard. I lie awake at night and think about how it would be to live in New Zealand, not being able to see my mom anymore. At all. It makes me very sad actually. But I also know that one will have to move. Or the both of us, but we would still need to leave our friends and families behind. Hm. We sometimes talk about that situation, but we didn't make any serious plans yet.

[Swederica]

So far there has not been very much compromises.
I will move from Sweden to US to study and to be a lot closer to my SO and everything.
She's not really able to do any compromises yet, which sucks. so right now she got the highway but i don't complain, It will be great fun to live in LA and i've always wanted to live there.

[mynameisgirl]

I haven't been with my SO for long enough to seriously consider what would happen, but just out of curiousity and boredom I was looking at how to go about getting visas for each of our respective countries and how it would work. It seems a bit easier to get residency where I'm from and from doing some research apparently it's a huge job to try and get visas in Croatia, and then renew them every year, but apparently I can possibly get residency from being a descendant of a Croatian, but even then the process takes up to two years. Plus, I have uni for 2 more years and then I need to do 3 more years of post-grad studies, which I would consider doing abroad if we're still together. I'm studying psychology so language is a really important part of it, and I'm not even sure if I'd be able to cope with a job like that in a place where they don't speak my first language, but maybe my Croatian will be considerably better after 2 years. Here's to hoping! But really, I would hate to move him from his home. He seems to love his life there so much and while I love my family and friends here, I've never really felt at home where I live.

Sometimes I feel crazy thinking about this in so much detail since we haven't even been dating long enough to consider this seriously, but it's just something I feel like I might have to think about in the future so I should try and make as many preparations as I can. But regardless of whether things work out with my SO or not, I would love to get residency in his country anyway just because it's such a lovely place and I have so much family there, and I'd love to be able to come and go as I please.

[agentholli]

Well, my situation is different. I don't have to worry about cross countries and visa's and what not. We are both in the states. From day one, I told him that I would not move. To some people it may sound selfish, but it is how I feel. However, my thoughts have changed on it now. I have 2 kids and i was not going to take them away from their dad. However, their dad is now in prison...15-life sentence..so i get to do as I please with my children. I still want to stay here, my family is here and I am such a family person that I couldn't fathom being away, or taking my kids away from their cousins. (I am the youngest of 8 children, and I have 42 nieces and nephews). Family is HUGE!

My bf has 2 children as well. He is the only child. He has moved away from him children before, he lived just a state away from me for awhile, but he went to visit his kids in his home state, his gf at the time broke it off, he got in a car accident, almost died, and he has stayed there since. He has always called him self a western man. He feels like he belongs in the west ( I live in Utah, the west). He has always from day one said he wanted to move here. So that works out great for me. I don't want to move, and he wants to be here. The big problem is him leaving his kids. I don't want to be the woman to take away their daddy. They love him sooo much, and me and him talk about this all the time. He tells me that he also has to be happy, and the kids can come and visit when they want. By the time it happens for us, his kids just might move with him. That would be GRAND!

The other obstacle I have is that i don't have a time frame. I hate not having a time frame. He is waiting for a settlement from the car accident, that he was suppose to have October of 2009..and he hasn't gotten it yet. Him moving here is really contigent on that. I keep telling him to make other plans..but he thinks about it and that is as far as it goes. This really gets me frustrated. I keep telling myself that it will happen when its suppose to happen. If he doesn't get the settlement money, he will have to come here and find a job and an apartment, he can't live with me before we are married. So even though there really isn't a compromise here yet...i felt like telling my story..lol

[Riyko]

I've made a lot of compromises for my SO where as (I hate to say it) he hasn't made any for me. I'm moving to Chile for a year for him, my reason for staying will be to learn spanish where as he's going to Chile because he has family business reasons to attend to.

It sucks that he hasn't made any compromises for me, but I know when the time comes he will make any compromise for me including getting married.

[Bluestars]

Hmmm....I am not sure if this counts as a compromise, but as some of you might know my SO moved closer to me in around six months ago, but he only lasted two months before he ended up moving back home. It happened for a lot of reasons, but adjusting to him moving here and then moving back really put a strain on our relationship for a while. In my opinion, my SO is sort of going through a midlife crisis. I think he is afraid of growing up and getting a real job because he thinks it will tie him down, or he is just afraid of applying for a real job and being rejected.

Although he graduated in December, he has not really been looking for job in his major, which would be journalism. Instead, he works two jobs, one as a cook at a restaurant and another as a video game tester. We actually got into a real big fight when he told me that he wanted to save up money to travel to Europe before he got a real job, which meant he didn't want to pay to come see me. I got really mad and it resulted in a HUGE argument, basically because I wanted him to grow up and get his life together, and he made me feel as though I wasn't a top priority.

That night we almost broke up because of that fight, but we ended up coming to a compromise and staying together. I agreed to give him the space he needed to get his act together and "find himself." I am a complete planner, and it stresses me out to not know when we can be together in the future. My SO says that we will play things by ear, so I just have to trust him. I know that I am in his future, but I just may have to wait at the most two years before one of us makes the move again.

I think now the whole Europe trip is out of the picture, since he told me a few days ago that he can go there anytime. And he also came to visit me in May and we are hoping to see each other this month if I can get the days off *fingers crossed*

[Frank]

Hey, good topic! For Bluestars: I think it is very important that one knows themselves before they run out of time to do so. Not knowing, or trying to find yourself, at a younger age will 92% lead to a real midlife crisis. While I am not saying he should spend all his money traveling Europe, I do think that it is important to have no regrets. And if he thinks he will regret not traveling, he should at least go for a little while. You definitely can't travel like that once you have kids. It seems like you do have it worked out, though. So good for you guys!

I definitely have to go up to Maine to live with Michelle. She will move out her house and live about an hour to hour and a half away. I will be maybe 5 hours away from my house. We will do this until a better situation presents itself. I really need security and reassurances, as I do not take chances, so I have to get a job up there before I make the move. Currently, the biggest compromises we make are if I can go to sleep early! I have been really tired lately. We usually stay on the phone until we both go to bed, but I can hardly stay up some nights. So, I go to bed earlier, leaving Michelle awake, alone, and in return, I try to start talking to her earlier in the night. This means I have to give up some TV or something. I feel so lame for saying this is our biggest compromise at the moment...Maybe Michelle can think of a better one.

[LilyPanda]

We've recently had to make a compromise. Nolan is off, working at a camp for the summer with absolutely NO phone service. Soo.. we only get to talk on Saturdays, when he stays the night in a hotel with his parents. For the first 2 weeks, we haven't really gotten the chance to talk talked. Nolan says he's too busy doing other stuff, and I know that he's gone to the movies with his camp friends a couple of times. Last week, I had been waiting to talk to him, excited about it even.. and then when Saturday came around, I barely got to talk to him. I got a few texts, and a short 15 minutes phone call. I got upset, and mentioned it to him, saying I'd like it if he'd try to make some time to talk to me on his day off work (since it is the only day we can talk and all). He has now promised to call me as soon as he gets to the laundry mat this weekend and to try to talk to me some more on his days off. I guess it's just hard for me to go from talking every day for 10 months, to only talking a little bit on Saturdays.

So, hopefully this works out I miss him during the week, but I'm usually alright. I just can't wait until summer is over, so I can talk to him again (on skype, the phone, etc. etc.)

[chwdg10]

My SO and I haven't made any big compromises yet, but I will finish school in 2 years and since we want to live together... one will have to move. My SO lives in New Zealand and I live in Germany. Over 11,500 miles. I love my SO's country so much (I've been there for 5 weeks), but thinking about leaving my very best friend and my mom (especially mom!)... makes it kinda hard. I lie awake at night and think about how it would be to live in New Zealand, not being able to see my mom anymore. At all. It makes me very sad actually. But I also know that one will have to move. Or the both of us, but we would still need to leave our friends and families behind. Hm. We sometimes talk about that situation, but we didn't make any serious plans yet.

I'm having the same issue. We don't have to move yet, but in three years we will be done with college. He lives in Florida and I'm in California. Neither of us want to leave our families, but I don't imagine myself living anywhere else. I feel like there's way more opportunity in the city I live compared to his. One of us with have to move or both of us. It's just a stressful issue. I dread leaving California because I love it so much.

[USA2Canada]

We have made compromises def over 6 years, we are excited to finally be able to be closer to each other and get married, I didn't have the type of income to go to college even with financial aid and so he paid 7 thousand of that- I finished and so did he, I know he's wonderful! Imagine though we were so broke from the college funds, we only got to see each other every say 4-5 months sometimes only every 7mths. I did live with him for 2 years though on a small student visa. So this has been one long journey! So we are just now paying that off and FINALLY being together. At first he was moving to Texas near my family, but we realized how his job made more of the income and since their is a one year that one of you has to support the other before the Citizenship, we really need his income and job over mine.
I make good income, but he makes more and his job is harder to land than mine would be. So we changed our mind and I will be going to Canada in 6-12 months and the paperwork is already on the roll.. Ill go get married (we are doing simple court of peace- we need to save the money the PR paperwork is not cheap), do a one year visitor visa this is the year he supports me a HARD year, and during that year I apply PR and wait for that to come in. Its hard to leave my family, but it's not too hard cause I'm not nearly as close to mine as he is his! So we have made the best compromise and plan we could and its exciting. I love Canada anyways. I go up there in Sept and well be apartment looking. I am to consolidate all my loans before I move so that I only have to make one payment to the USA.

Plus: I think its only scary when your not ready, super close to family (which I am but not super close), or maybe still unsure of that person being the one! Something to think about..

By the way I won our wedding rings on a giveaway few months back so that saved us a HUGE bundle, beautiful diamond and yellow gold no complaints! It's also possible Ill win us a trip to Whales for a honeymoon...I'm waiting on my essay feedback! I figure we may have to endure the court of peace for a marriage, but doesnt mean our honey moon and rings cant be nice.

[machstx]

i think its good that you think about the future its realistic. just dont be a worry wart like me

[NaNi]

I'm having the same issue. We don't have to move yet, but in three years we will be done with college. He lives in Florida and I'm in California. Neither of us want to leave our families, but I don't imagine myself living anywhere else. I feel like there's way more opportunity in the city I live compared to his. One of us with have to move or both of us. It's just a stressful issue. I dread leaving California because I love it so much.

It really is a "heavy" topic, especially when there's not enough money left to visit the friends or families after the move. If I knew that I could see my mom a few times a year that would help me. But it won't be possible, so I overthink and worry. But on the other hand I do really want to move. Gnahhh...

[machstx]

reading this reminded me of me and my bf. im a total planner and hes more mellow a "just let things happen" kind of a guy. good for you getting out what you feel and for giving him space ive had to learn that too!

[machstx]

that is so mine and my bf's problem too. (the whole time thing and him being tired) so he calls throughout the day now. We all need our tv time lol sounds silly but its true