Cultural Differences & Stats...Where to Draw the Line

[archangel]

Earlier this year me and my SO were discussing living together. We thought we might be able to start living together after my SO graduates from University. We also talked about when we would like to get married and all that... just I don't think that will be affected by this living together thing.

But yesterday everything changed... in a way back to somewhere it was before. My SO said she would rather work while I still go to University and then once we get married we move in together. The only thing I do not like about this idea is... we are going to apart a lot longer than we first planned. For me I would prefer to close the distance sooner, but well, I google 'moving in together' and related searches to hopefully find an article that could find a solution by finding a possibly middle ground. Unfortunately... what I did find was either very pessimistic or not that useful, since it did not consider cultural differences.

Here are those articles I found:
https://hubpages.com/hub/Is_it_Time_..._Tell_for_Sure
https://ca.askmen.com/dating/dating_...ting_tips.html
https://www.yourtango.com/200644/moving-in-madness.html
https://findarticles.com/p/articles/...4/ai_54367713/ (2)
https://marriage.about.com/cs/cohabi...ngtogether.htm (1)
https://www.associatedcontent.com/ar...ow.html?cat=41
https://www.canadianliving.com/intim...e_marriage.php
https://www.essortment.com/lifestyle...veint_sefp.htm
https://ezinearticles.com/?Moving-in...age&id=4197449

One thing that stuck out for me was...
1.

More than 50% of couples who live together before marriage end up apart either through just moving out or divorce later on.

2.

According to The National Survey on Families and Households of the University of Wisconsin, marriages that are preceded by living together have 50 percent higher disruption (divorce or separation) rates than marriages without premarital cohabitation. In fact, of 100 couples who cohabit, 40 couples will break up before the marriage, and 45 will divorce or separate. That leaves only 15 lasting marriages out of 100 trial marriages or cohabiting experiences.

But surprising I found something with contrasts all that...
https://www.canadianliving.com/intim...r_marriage.php

Gosh... soo many articles.

So everyone what is your opinion on this?

Is it better to wait and move in when you are married?
Or
Would you rather move in before marriage?

Any advice too would be nice.

[Darth_Taco]

I'd rather live with them before getting married. I don't want to marry someone, then find out afterwards that they like to clip their toenails naked on the dining room table. I'd rather break up before I have to pay for a lawyer or kill my credit rating.

Statistics don't apply to everyone. I had sex with Enrique on the first date. Almost two years later and we're still together and in love. Statistics dictate that we should've broken up like 2 months into our relationship. Then again, we're freaks...Different things work for everyone. Talk about it with her and see what you two are comfortable with.

[Rach321]

When looking at any kind of stats, it's important to think about any outside factors that could explain a difference. I haven't looked at the sites you listed to see if there were particular controls in place when comparing these groups. For example, I would assume that controlling for religious beliefs would account for much of the difference in divorce/separation rates between people who live together before marriage and those who wait. That is, people who hold more traditional religious beliefs are probably a lot less likely to live together before marriage, but their beliefs also tell them that divorce is not an option.

I would prefer to live together first before marriage. But I've also been lucky to spend longer periods of time with my SO (the longest was a little over a month), and we really feel like one another's houses are our homes. So I would feel comfortable marrying him before living together.

Definitely it's something to talk about and come to a resolution about. My SO and I are currently discussing a similar issue- do we focus more on our careers right now and not worry so much about getting to be in the same place right away (what he wants), or do we sacrifice a bit in our careers and make decisions that put us in the same location (what I want)??? I feel it will take more than a few conversations to really work out...

[Riyko]

I say it's better to live with someone before you get married because you figure out all of their habits and you get to see what it would be like living with that person, it works for some, but not for others.

My example, I had sex with my guy the day we met, but we also started right after we had sex. We have been together for 3 years and it has worked out for us, we are planning on getting engaged soon.

[Swederica]

I doubt that my SO would agree to live together before marriage.
But i think that a very good step is to live close to eachother, but not together, before moving in together.
I personally like that as a middle-step. But for obvious reasons i understand it's not available for everyone.

[sam]

Is it better to wait and move in when you are married?
Nah, I think you have to know what it's like to live with the person before marriage. Living with someone, being with them day in, day out.. buying the food with them, cooking with them, sharing the same space with them.
Imagine not know how the other person does all these things, getting married and moving in with them, and finding out that all the ways they do those things just grates on you and annoys you. What can you do? You're already married to them.
I dont really understand how you could marry someone, without living with them first, but I guess that's just me

Would you rather move in before marriage?
Yeah, see above

[Bluestars]

I agree with Rach321 that religious beliefs should be taken into account before completely letting the statistics overwhelm you. I think you just have to live your life the way you wan to without worrying about statistics. I mean, not even taking cohabitation into account, the divorce rate in the US is something around 50%....I think so at least. When I hear that, I used to start freaking out and question the point of even getting married, but if you believe in yourself, you could be that person to defeat the statistics.

Personally, I would prefer living with my SO before getting married. It just makes sense if one of us has to move to a different city to be with one another. It will save money, and we sleep in the same bed anyway when we stay with one another on visits. It would also making adjusting a lot less lonely. I also am like the others who believe that you need to see if you are compatible living with one another before you make that bigger commitment.

However, since you and your SO have differing opinions on the matter, you really need to see if you can reach a compromise or agreement. Is she wanting to wait for religious reasons. As hard as it seems, you might end up having to wait for her if you want to be together because you cannot force her to move in with you. It is like running in a group; you are only as fast as the slowest person.

[archangel]

De Ja Vu...
I posted a similar question a few months ago asking about relocation. All the replies I got said it would be better to move in before marriage, which I completely agree with.
Unfortunately, I found out later after I posted this that her parents won't let move until she is financially stable or we are both married. So the only thing I can do is hope that when I meet her parents in person I may be able change their mind and let her move over a little bit earlier.
So really I think this one is more about cultural differences and how to work with them rather than against them
but... Do anyone have any suggestions of moving forward without getting her parents angry?

[ColinC]

I'm thinking this is a case where correlation doesn't necessarily mean causation.

Who's to say that those who co-habited before marriage, would have lasted if they married first?

Specifically those looking for short-term relationships or less committed to the relationship would be much more likely to cohabit than to marry. This would make the statistics look like cohabiting results in more relationship failures.

Likewise with good reasoning, being married doesn't necessarily make someone better to cohabit with. If one couldn't cohabit with someone in the first place, what difference would marriage make? and why would one continue a relationship with let alone marry someone they couldn't cohabit with?

[Rach321]

Do anyone have any suggestions of moving forward without getting her parents angry?

This is tricky... but the best thing to do would be to really think of why her moving would be for her best interest, separate from the relationship. This might help them to feel more comfortable with a move- for example, could you put the focus on the need for her to move on something else. I know of an LDR couple who were able to be in the same place because she went to university in his city, and I think there are a few people on this site who are thinking of doing the same. If they can see the advantages of her doing something like studying overseas, they may be more likely to agree. And they may even be more supportive of her going to your city since they know you'll be there to look out for her (though I'm not sure they will be ok with you living together in the same house).

[kraut]

I am a psychology major and we actually talked about these stats in class. As a class we concluded that they were likely invalid due to a few reasons. (1) They are old and more couples are cohabitating today than lets say 5 years ago. More importantly different types of people are cohabitating before marriage. It is very possible that the group of people whom where cohabitation when these stats were collected were already predisposed to divorce/breakup. (2) Cultural forces may have influenced those who did no cohabitate to also not get divorced. Many religious faiths that look down on cohabitation before marriage also look down on divorce. (3) The logic test! Does it makes sense that cohabitation would lead to divorce? It is not logical to believe that living together would cause divorce. It is likely that those couples would have gotten divorced anyway.

There are a few things to think about though. No matter what, but especially when you will be living together, it is important to have an honest conversation about where the relationship is going. You must have common goals about your relationship! Also you must have a common idea of why you are living together (ie is it because you are going to get married or because financially it makes sense). You both have to HONESTLY agree with this reasoning with no strings attached. Also I would strongly suggest no living together if your parents don't approve. Often disgruntled parents can be harmful to a relationship, especially when it comes to actually marring a person. Also parental support and expended family support are a predictor of whether a relationship will be successful.