Obstacles Preventing Us From Closing the Distance

[Lady Grimm]

Okay, I'll try to be as brief as possible so that I don't turn all of you away...

My SO and I have known each other for almost eleven years, and been together for six. After such a long wait, we just want the distance to end. He finishes university next spring, and for years what we've wanted and planned is that as soon as he finishes (since I still have a fair few years of university left), we would close the distance.

Problem: We were under the impression that if he could get a job offer, and if my family sponsored him (Oh, how lucky I am that my family loves him and are willing to help me), him immigrating from England to Canada would be no problem. Unfortunately, based on the Canadian government website, unless he has at least three years -- or it could have been five, I can't remember -- of work experience and a lot of money in the bank, there is zero possibility of him being able to immigrate to Canada, even if my family sponsors him. We've been waiting a long time for this, we don't want to wait.

The thing is, he wants to come on his own merit. That is going to take a long time, both to get the experience and to save the money. Of course, no matter what I will wait for him, but I also know that if we get married, we can save ourselves so much time and effort. I mean, I wouldn't want to do it just for that reason. If he asked me to marry him without any consideration to the aforementioned benefit, I would not hesitate for even a second to say yes because I love him with all my heart, and want only him. The reality of the situation, though, is that this will save us years of time! He says if it needs to be that way, he will do it -- marry me, that is -- but I want him to want to, so I won't try to push him into it (or even ask him seriously) until it is what he wants. I don't know...

What do you guys think? Have any of you faced similar obstacles? How did you overcome them?

[Zephii]

You might not be able to get something with permanent residency right away, but that doesn't mean you can't be together. Why not have him visit on a working holiday visa which lasts for a year? This will give you a chance to build up lots of proof of being a couple, give you a chance to live together before getting married, and he can work and build up some savings. If you can prove you have lived together for a year, you can apply for a common-law spouse sponsorship which is also nice.

[Lady Grimm]

Unfortunately, we don't see this as an option. We did look into this, but after reading through all the information about working holiday visas, we are of the understanding that this particular type of visa would nulify the fact that we would live common law for a year since the terms and conditions of this type of visa require him to leave.

Also, that kind of visa is only good for twelve months, so we'd have to live together from day one. I have no objections to this, but we don't want the Canadian government to set off all kinds of red flags about the whole thing when our 'proof' of being a couple began to accumulate the second he landed here. So obviously they would know his intentions would be immigration. Since they would be able to clearly see that motive, which is against the terms and conditions of the working holiday visa, it is possible that ' that manipulation of the system' will be used against us when the time comes for us to seek a more permanent solution.

[Verojoon]

Well, at worst you could do working holidays just so you can spend more time together while saving money... It won't help your long term situation much, but makes the waiting easier. My sister and her husband went through a similar process... they each got a few working holidays so they could live together (UK, then Canada, then UK again, then Canada again) until they decided to get married. Now they are both here in Ontario.

[Lady Grimm]

Oh? I didn't realise that they could be attained that frequently. Okay, that is definitely something that could be considered. I mean, we couldn't really go back and forth because I'm still in university. Perhaps if they allowed him a working visa two years in a row, but I don't think they would... For a year at the very least, though, it is a really good solution. Thank you! We'd stopped considering that a possibility.

Also... I just thought... If a working holiday visa isn't something that could be done two years in a row, I could try to get accepted into my universities international program and do a semester or -- if at all possible -- a year abroad. Afterwards, he could come back again on another working holiday visa... Verojoon, I think you just helped me solve my problem, because we weren't even looking at that option anymore. Thank you so much! Hopefully it can work out!

[Verojoon]

I hope so for you!

Now if only I could solve my own problem... lol

[Lady Grimm]

Lol, I feel you there. Second opinions might be what you need, though! I didn't see any possible solution, but your perspective certainly helped me see some possibilities. When emotions are involved, it is difficult to see a situation objectively since the only thing on one's mind would be "But I just want to be together noooooow." Lol, at least for me that is how it is. :P

[SoFarAway]

As long as he can't come and live with you, would you be able to move to the UK and live with him?

[Lady Grimm]

Well, I would want to! I mean, I've been there so many times and I adore it there. In fact, sometimes I press him about the idea of us settling down there instead. In some regards, me moving there would be easier because I have dual European citizenship. It allows me to live and work anywhere in Europe without needing a visa. Unfortunately, I still have a minimum of four years left of post-secondary education ahead of me. I applied to universities in England, and got accepted, but the international student fees (European citizenship didn't help me here as a result of some wishy-washy regulations) were far beyond my means. On top of that, he doesn't think it would be smart for us to permanently reside there because the economy and job market aren't too hot. Obviously the latter reason can change over time, but there is the bigger issue of university being in the way.

[SoFarAway]

but the international student fees (European citizenship didn't help me here as a result of some wishy-washy regulations) were far beyond my means.

LOL but well, maybe you can live in the UK for at least a little while. He is right to say that the economy is shitty as hell. Especially for Europe... there are plenty of jobs, but not qualified ones. Just lower income level jobs. But what the heck stops you guys from moving back and forth or travel the world and then deciding where you guys want to settle down. You guys are young, independent, and not bound to anything. Be wild and creative

[Verojoon]

Well, we decided it makes sense to wait at least 3 more years. He'll have to move here because I can't take my children away from their father... (I can't legally, but also wouldn't even if this wasn't the case!) He is not a US citizen, but only a green card holder. If he and I were to marry in order to close the distance (and I don't know how I feel about that. If I get married again, I want it because that's what we want to do, not because its what we have to do!) he would lose his green card. A green card holder can visit Canada without a VISA, but the Canadian equivalent cannot visit the US... so he wouldn't be able to easily visit his family (which is HUGE and almost all in the US!!) If we wait for him to have citizenship, then he can get dual citizenship and not have to give up everything...

But, even in 3 years, we have one big obstacle still. He is an only child. His father is dead, his mother had him in her mid-late forties, so she is quite old... and she doesn't speak English. So he is responsible for her. Right now it seems impossible he could leave her, but he is trying to encourage her to live more independently (This is important for her happiness too, because since they have been in the US she has been depressed and has had almost no life...) So the plan right now is to use the next 3 years to save money, build our lives individually (with the goal of closing the distance in the future), try to see each other more often than just two times a year! And he also hope to get his mother more independent by that time. He has signed her up for government housing which is a big start.

I guess we have a plan... sort off... just frustrating to wait... For now, I just want him to get his passport problems sorted out so he can come see me!

[Lady Grimm]

Haha, its true... Well, I guess it boils down to money. I work a part time job while in university, and I don't really make much. All of it pretty much goes to our travels, and spending money during our visits. The money I save just about lasts me the duration of our stays together, which usually last one to four months. Then, when we're apart, I go back to saving for our time together.

Plus, my family facilitate us being together. If it wasn't for the fact that my parents pay for the flights (which are almost 2k for round trip), we wouldn't see each other at all. I think if I left school for a while to travel and go wild -- especially since my parents paid for my SO and I to spend two weeks touring Europe last summer, and a week in New York City this summer -- my parents would be really disappointed in me, and might see it as me sort of rubbing dirt in all they have done for us. I don't want to do that to them because I'm just so grateful for how they have helped us. I don't want them to think I'm unappreciative by accepting all the that they've done, and then running off without an education.

[SoFarAway]

Well, we decided it makes sense to wait at least 3 more years. He'll have to move here because I can't take my children away from their father... (I can't legally, but also wouldn't even if this wasn't the case!) He is not a US citizen, but only a green card holder. If he and I were to marry in order to close the distance (and I don't know how I feel about that. If I get married again, I want it because that's what we want to do, not because its what we have to do!) he would lose his green card. A green card holder can visit Canada without a VISA, but the Canadian equivalent cannot visit the US... so he wouldn't be able to easily visit his family (which is HUGE and almost all in the US!!) If we wait for him to have citizenship, then he can get dual citizenship and not have to give up everything...

But, even in 3 years, we have one big obstacle still. He is an only child. His father is dead, his mother had him in her mid-late forties, so she is quite old... and she doesn't speak English. So he is responsible for her. Right now it seems impossible he could leave her, but he is trying to encourage her to live more independently (This is important for her happiness too, because since they have been in the US she has been depressed and has had almost no life...) So the plan right now is to use the next 3 years to save money, build our lives individually (with the goal of closing the distance in the future), try to see each other more often than just two times a year! And he also hope to get his mother more independent by that time. He has signed her up for government housing which is a big start.

I guess we have a plan... sort off... just frustrating to wait... For now, I just want him to get his passport problems sorted out so he can come see me!

Oh wow... that is quite a challenge. But hey, you have set up a plan and lots of time to figure stuff out. You have set up a goal and some targets to meet. I wish you all off luck, patience, and strength.

I know when I will see my SO the next time, but no idea about our future. We know each other for eight years, but we will eventually figure things out as well.

[Lady Grimm]

Well, we decided it makes sense to wait at least 3 more years. He'll have to move here because I can't take my children away from their father... (I can't legally, but also wouldn't even if this wasn't the case!) He is not a US citizen, but only a green card holder. If he and I were to marry in order to close the distance (and I don't know how I feel about that. If I get married again, I want it because that's what we want to do, not because its what we have to do!) he would lose his green card. A green card holder can visit Canada without a VISA, but the Canadian equivalent cannot visit the US... so he wouldn't be able to easily visit his family (which is HUGE and almost all in the US!!) If we wait for him to have citizenship, then he can get dual citizenship and not have to give up everything...

But, even in 3 years, we have one big obstacle still. He is an only child. His father is dead, his mother had him in her mid-late forties, so she is quite old... and she doesn't speak English. So he is responsible for her. Right now it seems impossible he could leave her, but he is trying to encourage her to live more independently (This is important for her happiness too, because since they have been in the US she has been depressed and has had almost no life...) So the plan right now is to use the next 3 years to save money, build our lives individually (with the goal of closing the distance in the future), try to see each other more often than just two times a year! And he also hope to get his mother more independent by that time. He has signed her up for government housing which is a big start.

I guess we have a plan... sort off... just frustrating to wait... For now, I just want him to get his passport problems sorted out so he can come see me!

Ooooh, I see. That does complicate matters. That must make your situation incredibly difficult! I'm sorry you have so many other obstacles.

Though, I'm curious about something... I could be totally wrong about this. In fact, I probably am since I'm sure you two have looked into all this stuff, but I want to bring it up because I'm curious... I was under the impression that the US did not allow for dual citizenship? I know that people can get US residency and be legally allowed to live and work in the US for an indefinite amount of time with the ability to travel, but not citizenship exactly. I'm not sure if that means it would be taken away or not once a person decides to no longer reside there, but I imagined that to be a case since I thought the US distinguished a difference between residency and citizenship. Maybe I'm confused about something; it isn't as though I've looked at US immigration law, really.

Hmmm, as for his mother, once you guys close the distance, he could always sponsor her to come since she is his mother, no?

Yeah, the wait can be frustrating. I hope he is able to work it all out very soon!

[SoFarAway]

I think if I left school for a while to travel and go wild -- especially since my parents paid for my SO and I to spend two weeks touring Europe last summer, and a week in New York City this summer -- my parents would be really disappointed in me, and might see it as me sort of rubbing dirt in all they have done for us. I don't want to do that to them because I'm just so grateful for how they have helped us. I don't want them to think I'm unappreciative by accepting all the that they've done, and then running off without an education.

LOL yeah... that might be very rude towards your parents. On the other hand, one of the biggest regrets I had in my life was that I didn't take enough time to think about my career choices. I should have taken a year off before going into an education that I seriously regretted doing. In the end, I would have saved a lot of wasted time. Think about it