Living with others: from your parents to your partner

[lademoiselle]

Reflecting on the whole closing the distance issue the other day, it occurred to me that if my SO and I were to move in together straight after I finish my degree, it will mean that I'll never have experienced living alone. My parents' house is half an hour away from my university, so it made sense for me to live at home while I study. Comparatively, my SO has been living independently since he was 17. I stayed with him for a month during the summer, and he actually found it harder than I did to share his space with someone else! I suppose it's what you're used to What I want to ask you guys though is this:

Do you think it's important to try living by yourself (i.e. away from your parents' house) before moving in permanently with your partner?

[lyonsgirl]

I'd say yes-but only because I am currently living on my own. My SO lived on his own for a while after college, but since I helped him out with his finances (rent & bills) I don't know if he really got the true "living on your own" experience. It's one thing to cook and clean for yourself, but having to pay the bills and everything too really makes me feel like I'm truly out on my own in this world. (which, I'll be honest, is rather terrifying when I think about it for too long)

I wouldn't have become the person that I am now without living on my own, although, like you pointed out, it will be an adjustment going back to living with someone else when my SO & I do move in together.

I know plenty of people who went from living with parents to living with their SO, and they've turned out just fine-so ultimately, it's up to the individual/couple. It's worked for me, and I wouldn't change my experience.

[Amelia]

part of me would say its probably best to live on your own before living with your so just so you can understand the many things you need to keep up to date on and maintain. However when my SO and i close the distance we will most likely move into together so neither of us would live alone. But i guess in my case its a little different because we had done the whole living together for a couple of months, planning long trips overseas. So we know what each other are like when it comes to issues with living together..granted we didnt need to pay electricity, monthly rent/water and all that. Yet before i move in i kind of have a checklist such as have a full time secure job, be financially stable and there should be a good place to live as well.

[Verojoon]

I went straight from my Mom's home to living with my bf (now ex-husband) when I was 19 years old... though the young age we got together was a factor to our marriage not working out (because of our personal situations... not saying it is the case for every young person) I don't think not having lived alone necessarily was. I am living alone (with my children) for the first time in my life at the age of 30, and quite frankly I think it is overrated... and I worry about re-adjusting to sharing space with someone... LOL the thought of having to share my closet again unnerves me!! HAHA and I am already trying to get SO in line with my decorating tastes! hehe If he expresses he likes something, I have been trying to incorporate it in my decor now, while I still have full control of how it is executed... HAHA I sound like such a control freak!!

[Dziubka]

I can only speak for myself: but it was definitely a very important experience for me. I moved out of home and in with roomates (that didn't chose or know before) at 19 and have since lived with different people.

I still wonder how some of my then-roommates actually liked and still like me. I was such a bitch. Living with people that didn't 'care' about me, put a lot of things in perspective. I mean, it's not like they didn't care whether I was alive, but they didn't make any special efforts to make life easier for me either.
But it was like:
"You think the bathroom's dirty? Well, I think there's nothing wrong with it. If you have a problem with how it looks, then you got to do something about it. Why would I have to deal with your problem?"
It was really difficult at first and so frustrating. But it was definitely worth it because I learnt a lot and calmed down about sooo many things.

I don't think it's necessary per se. My boyfriend moved in with me fresh from his parents and we were fine. He's going to live with a roommate for a semester now, though and says he's somewhat looking forward to the experience.

[lucybelle]

Live on your own, like by yourself in a one-room apartment? Or by yourself, meaning not in your parents house?

I only lived truly on my own (in a one-room apartment) for about 7 months before my SO moved in with me. I did live with roommates out of my parent's house for 5 years before. I don't think it's that important. Moving out is moving out. I think the most important part is knowing how to balance finances. And if you can do that now, you can do it later.

I LOVED living by myself. I was all worried about my SO moving in with me. But it turns out I love living with him too

[lademoiselle]

Live on your own, like by yourself in a one-room apartment? Or by yourself, meaning not in your parents house?

Oh true, I should've made that clearer originally. I mean anywhere other than your parents' place

[EnglishMan]

Maybe, I wouldn't say you can have a definitive yes or no on this one personally. Yes living independently would give you that experience, and you'd be more used to doing everything for yourself, but thats not to say you couldn't adapt quickly to it by doing it with him. Moving to a new house/environment, is always going to take some adapting no matter how experienced you are in moving about.

I think the most important change is that you'll literally be doing everything for yourself when you live with him. I mean he'll help you with some stuff obviously, but everything that needs done you'll have to do. But you can get experience of that at home, its still possible to do as much as possible for yourself (some things like paying bills I guess you'd have to move out to experience, but for the most part I think you can do a decent job of replicating things without the expense of moving into an apartment beforehand).

I think the fact that he's lived independently will help you make the transition comfortably enough . I think it comes down to you, whether you'll feel comfortable with jumping straight into it with him, but I dont think it's hugely important to have lived on your own beforehand. I think the bigger thing to adapt to is that you'll both have to adapt to the way you both like things to be in your house, like Dziubka said, differences in acceptable levels of cleanliness etc.

[Zephii]

I think yes.

For us, I was out of home at 15. I lived in some strange situations with a partner, or room mates, as a nanny, and completely alone. It helped me know myself, my expectations, limitations and of course, how to survive in the real world.
Obi on the other hand always had dreams/plans with his mates that they'd have this mad fun bachelor pad going on when they eventually moved out of home - but they didn't get there (God knows why) and Obi's first experience of living with someone other than his parents ended up being his four month trip to Australia. I still don't know how I managed to not kill him in that time. Anyway... I'm sure a bit part of a person's survivability comes from the things their parents teach them and how much responsibility they shoulder when at home. Our mum would let us work out her budget or meal plan. She'd send us to the post office to pay bills and stuff, so from a young age we knew what to expect. Obi's parents did nothing of the sort. He didn't have a clue how to shop, how much things should cost, or what would be expected of him living in a room-mate situation. He also didn't know how to do most kinds of housework other than laundry. Financially, his only response was to save (which isn't so bad thankfully) but it took him a long time to understand that life is expensive and sometimes cheaping out will make it even more so.

Then we moved in together alone, and there was a bit of regret on his side that he'd never gotten to live with his mates. But, I point-blank refused. I've done my time living with housemates, I know shacking up with friends has a huge capacity to destroy your friendships, and I wasn't willing to do that. Besides, I was ready for something a bit more serious - I needed to know if our relationship could survive one-on-one. But yeah, regret.

[kittyo9]

I would say living somewhere away from your parents first is important, but not 100% necessary. You have to take a little time to learn how to live by yourself to understand how you will live with a partner-- someone who is not telling you what to do but also will rely on you emotionally. It's good to understand what kind of person you are by yourself, and you will be better able to contribute to your life together with your partner because of it. Understandably, not everyone is able to do this, but I think it is definitely a key step to growing up and understanding yourself. I think you could successfully do this with your partner, but it would take more time for you to adjust to a new living situation because you don't quite know how you will behave or feel yet.

[D.4C]

i guess it just depends on the situation and what you really want...i can see if one person is moving to anothers...who has been established in that place for a while...that it might take some time to adjust...for me...i can't wait to share my house with my girlfriend...when we talk about it...i always call it home for her...it's kinda cute

[lademoiselle]

Thank you everyone, it's been really interesting to read a range of opinions and experiences. You've given me a few things to reflect upon!

[marbear31]

Hi dear! I think that's a very valid question, and I agree with everyone else that it depends on the person and the situation. When I was 17, I was itching to get out from my parents' roof. I was ready to be my own person, and freshman year of college, I lived (albeit 30 minutes from home) on my own for the first time, and it was glorious. It was so hard to move back home because of finances sophomore year, but I think that first experience of living on my own gave me the courage to not stay ensconced in the comforts of home forever. The first time I lived truly alone, was when I went to Ireland for the first time last autumn. I knew one of my roommates, and a couple other girls from my school, but other than that, I was virtually alone. I loved my independence, shopping for what food I wanted (and could afford :P), staying up till I wanted to stay up, having my own space to return to. That being said, I met Stephen five days into my study abroad experience, so I ended up finding a new home much quicker than I'd ever anticipated. :P

I think what it comes down to is how much you value independence. You'll know what's right, and Philippe will (hopefully) understand as a partner if you need to live on your own, even just for a few months, to say you've "experienced" it. Interestingly enough, I was worried about the same thing when Stephen and I were first discussing my impending permanent move to Ireland. Originally, I told him I wanted to have my own place for a bit, a small studio apartment, just to truly experience living on my own, without roommates or parents or siblings, and to truly understand that feeling of self-sufficiency. I was pretty set on it. And then, I thought--is it worth the added rent, especially when we'll be spending almost every waking moment together anyway? Each time we've been together, we pretty much share the same shadow, so it's pretty pointless to even consider it. Now, I just want to set up house with him and be done with it. And, obviously, priorities change, so take time out frequently to reevaluate this question, especially if it's a hugely important consideration for you.

You'll make the right decision; you have a good head on your shoulders.

[Romeo s Juliet]

same like you i have never ever lived apart from my parents even when i went to collage. but me and my SO closed the distance and i was soo ecstatic about us closing the distance and living in the came townnn however we are both not living together yet, i live alone, and he lives with his parents because he is still completing his degree. we are both attending collage, and its great but i have never ever everrrrr lived alone before :/ and it kinnda is hard :/ i get teary eyed almost once in two days :/ i m such a kiddo :/ its a hugee change from living with your parents and then living alone, luckily in my case even though i live so close to my SO now, i was born here so i am comfortable with these surroundings/culture but its hard. one thing i never thought about is that i was so excited to close the distance with my SO, i almost forgot that me moving to my SO instantly makes my relationship with my family LONG DISTANCE!

i did not pay much attention to that you know? so yeah i think its a good idea to live alone before you live together with your SO, but i can totally relate to how you feel about living alone before living together. living alone is so so so so hard, its a challenge. at the same time its exciting So enjoy your time with your family as much as u can and if you get the chance, try living alone too
good luck

[Indika]

Hi, I just wanted to share my views - I moved from living with my mum and sis to living with my wife and her mum and sis to then buying our own place where we now live with our 2 year old daughter. I'm a guy by the way. Anyway, the point is, I don't think its that big a deal. If you really WANT to try living on your own for a while, fine. If you HAVE to live on your own for a while due to logistical considerations, fine. But I really don't see why you MUST live on your own just because. Looking back, it might have been cool or fun to live on my own or at least share a flat with another guy or something, but that wasn't how it panned out for me, so I'm not fussed. I am very happy with the way things worked out and loved being around all these kind and loving people (my in-laws included) and got to know them all so much better and grow closer in the process. Hope this makes sense and good luck for which ever route you decide to take.