I Don't Know If I Can Handle This...

[Kristin91]

My SO and I closed the distance this fall when I transferred to his school due to personal reasons at my previous university. Everything was pretty good at first, being able to see him all the time and I could cuddle with him whenever I wanted. Now I'm starting to feel like we were a better couple LD. We still communicate great (which is a relief), but sometimes I feel like there's something missing. I know he loves me and I love him, but we can't seem to be able to figure out this whole CD thing. Being around him all the time is starting to drive me nuts, but at the same time I want to be around him all the time. Also we've stopped doing little surprises for each other because we see each other all the time, which is fine, but I missed the romance and surprise it brought to our relationship. We had a good long heart-to-heart today and we decided we're going to try to spend less general time together (doing homework and what-not), but have better quality couple time. The thing is, I'm starting to doubt whether we can actually work CD, and that depresses me like nothing else. Has anyone else had a similar experience that could help me out and give me some advice?

[JennMarcus612]

I moved to Kansas with my SO while I was off this summer and at first it was like cloud 9 and then drama hit with his ex and the kids. I was still super excited to be around him, hold his hand, be able to great him when he came home from work, ect. I felt like snot later when I thought we weren't communicating like we used to. I almost felt lonely at times when he would play games on his phone and be distracted with that instead of being with me. Eventually I just told him what was on my mind after denying a lot of things. It was also that it was the first time I was away from my home city for that extended amount of time. Transitioning to a CD is euphoric to begin with but it is still a transition. My heart raced when he would text me when I wasn't there and when I was it wasn't the same. The thing I found out once I had to come back to NC to finish my schooling is all those little things that you thought you missed isn't worth missing. We do the surprise thing again, we have online dates, we do the skype, sleeping on the phone yadda yadda yadda but it's painful being away from him. Absolutely torture. I know I haven't closed the distance and that was a short 3 month trip but think about how hard it is being away from him. Even though the relationship seems like its "thinning out" its still a strong, beautiful bond between you two. I think spending a little less time together might fix the balance. I truly think you two can make it after going through the heart ache of a LDR. Just try learn him over again. The way he walks, the way he leaves his drinks places, the way he can't decide the perfect place to put his dirty clothes, the way he reaches for your hand when his driving.. and then picture it with out it. It's hard! I still have his coffee drinks in the back seat of my car that he left a couple weeks ago. Keep us updated. Maybe you will be the one giving advice for me in the future.

[Zephii]

Seeing each other every day doesn't mean those sweet things should stop. Not at all. The point of doing them isn't because you are apart - the point of doing them is because you want to nurture the connection between each other and put a smile on the others face.
To me, it sounds like you are just bored. There's not enough fun and surprises and then the boredom creeps in. One of the best things, not only for relationships, but in life in general is having fun.

Sometimes I say to Obi "we need to do something different or go somewhere this weekend, just us, so we can remember why we like each other" and it tends to work.
Maybe, because you're together all the time, you've started to take it for granted?

I think it's great yous have talked about this and have a plan of attack Just give it some more time.

I had the same kind of doubts as you did after Obi and I went CD, but now I realize that the stress we were both under was the cause of it more than incompatibility.

[Kristin91]

I had the same kind of doubts as you did after Obi and I went CD, but now I realize that the stress we were both under was the cause of it more than incompatibility.

Thank you, at least I know I'm not alone! And it gives me hope that we can work through this

[Kristin91]

The way he walks, the way he leaves his drinks places, the way he can't decide the perfect place to put his dirty clothes, the way he reaches for your hand when his driving.. and then picture it with out it.

Thank you for saying this, it puts some perspective on things for sure!

[purplesunscreen]

I feel the same exact way- I also closed a two year ldr about two months ago and sometimes I feel cramped. I feel like there is no more excitement. I also have no interest in sex. I love him, I truly do- and I know we can work this out I just don't know how to go about it. I was so relieved to find that I am not the only person feelin this way- it has been super helpful looking at this post but do you have any ideas about how I can initiate the conversation that we need to have? Please help!

[Zephii]

Go for a walk together, or do the dishes together. I reckon these are the best times to launch into awkward conversations. Either that, or in bed. But if it has to do with sex on any level, I always reckon you should talk about it away from the place you should be doing it

I guess, before you start, you should define exactly what the problems are, and if you can think up examples, do so - because people respond well to examples. Then, define, in an ideal world, what would be done to fix these things. Come to the discussion table with a few ideas up your sleeve already. - This way, you're not just complaining, it shows your SO that it's an issue you've put thought into and that you're not only willing to work on it but you have already started. It might help to have this actually written down.

Then just... start talking. Try "Are you bored? I'm bored! I think we're getting old or something. We need to make a plan to keep the fun in this relationship."
Or, "I think I'd be more of an enjoyable person to be around if I were more interesting, so I'd like to propose the idea of "me night" once a week where we go out and do something separately to enrich our lives together. I'm thinking I might like to learn pole dancing..."

Or whatever.

[D.4C]

i think you need to start doing the little things again...the spending general time away from each other a little more is a good idea...alot of times it's not quantity...but quality....

[Kristin91]

Go for a walk together, or do the dishes together. I reckon these are the best times to launch into awkward conversations. Either that, or in bed. But if it has to do with sex on any level, I always reckon you should talk about it away from the place you should be doing it

I guess, before you start, you should define exactly what the problems are, and if you can think up examples, do so - because people respond well to examples. Then, define, in an ideal world, what would be done to fix these things. Come to the discussion table with a few ideas up your sleeve already. - This way, you're not just complaining, it shows your SO that it's an issue you've put thought into and that you're not only willing to work on it but you have already started. It might help to have this actually written down.

Then just... start talking. Try "Are you bored? I'm bored! I think we're getting old or something. We need to make a plan to keep the fun in this relationship."
Or, "I think I'd be more of an enjoyable person to be around if I were more interesting, so I'd like to propose the idea of "me night" once a week where we go out and do something separately to enrich our lives together. I'm thinking I might like to learn pole dancing..."

Or whatever.

Besides the wonderful advice you gave me, you make me laugh!