Moving to Him: Too Soon?

[madregor]

Hey, so I'm a little anxious. My SO and I have been together for three months, known each other for five. I feel so wonderfully in love with him though, and so far all that I know I like. I've visited his place in Oklahoma (I'm in MD) and liked it and his cats. I'm in college right now and the plan was that I'd finish out this school year and then move in with him this June because I want to take a year off and NOT be in school for a while and I want to be with him - two birds with one stone. However, my situation in MD is kinda sucky. I've always lived with my parents (I'm 19) and I'm used to small-ish houses with a lot going on. However, now I'm living in a townhouse apartment that my dad is renting. He's here sometimes, but most of the time he's at his girlfriend's house (it's a whole saga, boil it down to he decided to move out, but not completely). Anyway, most college kids would be thrilled by this and it is nice to have independence, but I'm getting depressed and stuff because I'm so very alone here.

Anyway, sob story over. The point of that is, we were tentatively poking at the idea of moving up the move in date to January. I have a friend who's perfectly willing and happy to help me move my things from here to there and is, in fact, encouraging me to go. I'm just not sure though! We've been together for three months and I'm pretty young for this stuff, you know? I love him a lot, but I've always lived with my parents and the thought of not doing so...well, it's terrifying. This would be a huge change and a huge leap of faith. I know very few people there outside of him and the few I do are bare acquaintances....

I guess what I'm not really asking is, what do you guys think? Would I be making a huge mistake?
HELP!

[lucybelle]

If it is a huge mistake, you're young enough to make one. If it all blows up in your face you'll have your family to support you when you go back.

So I say do it.

Though let me add-- if you think you're lonely now, think how lonely you'll be in a state where you don't know anyone, don't have a job or school or anything except your SO. Just sayin...

[rubydissolution]

I honestly think its too soon. 3 months is nothing in the long run. You guys have so much to learn about each other still and living together is a huge change. Ur crazy and blissfully in love right now BC that's how those first 3 months are. Its called the honeymoon stage for that reason. You probably haven't even had your first fight yet. So you can't even determine how those will go down between u two.

I'd stick with ur original plan and wait til after school. This way ull be closer to a year together and better be able to make this kind of huge decision.

[madregor]

To lucybelle: I will be getting a job at least, but yes I see your point.
Ruby: That's what I've been thinking as well...

[Zephii]

You're so close to finishing school, I'd say stick it out! Those six months will be an investment. (Usually I'd also be like "you're so young! go make mistakes! " it's only because you're so close to being done that I'm erring on the side of waiting.)

Though let me add-- if you think you're lonely now, think how lonely you'll be in a state where you don't know anyone, don't have a job or school or anything except your SO. Just sayin...

This is also so true. There are also quite a few threads here about how unhappy people are once they close the distance. I know for me, closing the distance was not half as enjoyable as I thought it would be. So, not to scare you away from the idea, but it might be worthwhile to go and have a look at those threads so you can be a bit better prepared. Generally if you rush closing the distance, you don't manage to keep it closed (seems to be the trend here).

[Moon]

Although I think you should finish school first, I agree with lucybelle. I usually am the queen of telling people to slow down, but you're only 19 and no kids are involved, so why not? I don't think the chances are great that it'll work in the long run, to be honest, but you'll gain some good life experience and have an adventure at the very least. Just make sure you have a secret stash of cash that's enough to get you home, in case you need it. (I don't mean to sound totally cynical, just realistic ). Good luck!

[madregor]

I should add that I'm not really done with school after this, just a break before starting on my bachelor's (I'm at community college right now).
Moon, what makes the chances not good? I promise I'm not being snarky, I'm just curious. This is literally my first love and I'm kinda perplexed by it all. Truthfully, I'd like it to last for a very long time, but I don't know how and don't how to tell if it won't, you know?

[Moon]

I should add that I'm not really done with school after this, just a break before starting on my bachelor's (I'm at community college right now).
Moon, what makes the chances not good? I promise I'm not being snarky, I'm just curious. This is literally my first love and I'm kinda perplexed by it all. Truthfully, I'd like it to last for a very long time, but I don't know how and don't how to tell if it won't, you know?

It's not impossible, of course, but you're putting yourself in a tough situation by moving with a guy you've hardly spent any time with, plus only being 19 leaves you with very little experience in dealing with the whole thing. It takes much, much more than just love to make a relationship work, and you simply haven't become equipped with the tools yet. I totally understand that it feels like you know him completely, and that you're perfect together, but I promise that it's so different when you live together, it's nothing like a visit. You just need to be realistic about this, and know that it won't be all sunshine and butterflies, especially because you'll still have so much to learn about each other. You might beat the odds, people do it a lot, just go in with your eyes open and a ton of patience!

[madregor]

Believe me, I know. I also know I don't know him completely, or even mostly, we're still just discovering each other. I guess it's just cause he's my first that I'm so desperately wanting it to be a last as well, you know? As a pessimist, I also view sunshine and butterflies with a suspicious eye. I'm pretty sure those things are out to get me! (Kidding) Is there anything in particular that might help me prepare for this thing? I mean, besides the tons of patience and open eyes?

[kiara_silver]

19 with your first love, similar to me in a way. My SO is my first and only but we met 3 years ago online.
Realistically 3 months isn't that long. You still have so much to learn about each other, I personally would wait but that's just me. Use the honeymoon stage to ask all the questions, make memories, enjoy this time, before moving onto the next step. Theres so much to learn about eachother, me and my SO have been together about 3 and a half years and were still learning new things about one another. So no rush because if he's the one your meant to be with, then you have plenty of time. Plus living together is a whole new experience, I recently was living with my SO for the past 5 and a half months and yes it ws great and I want to go back as soon as I can. ( wish I could fly back now) But there was a lot of things we went through, such as we had more arguments then we ever had in the beginning of our relationship (the honeymoon stage) We got to see our habits and when your with each other all the time they get to see everything, so before your moved in be sure your ready, because its a big step.
If your having any doubts take a moment to really think it through.

[madregor]

Yeah, that's what I'm doing now. I just don't want to screw up, you know?

[annieszabo]

Where should i start. I would say its fast but id be a hipocrite. Seeing as i asked my SO, the first time, to marry me a few days under a month of me asking her to be my girlfriend. Which amazingly she said yes. But besides the point at the moment. (Think my SO just fell asleep on me again, god shes so adorible. Sorry mini off topic mumbling over.) I found that we grew, with that expirence. We fought. I warn you right now you will. and maybe a lot. But if you guys are willing to make it work. Maybe this will help you both grow togeter. but ultimately maybe waiting till this school year is over might be best. i know how much you might want to be with him 24/7. believe me. 2 years, 3 months and 6 days. your going insane with the need to feel that person you love with you.

[SquishyLove]

I'd say if it's feasable to do it on a "trial basis," like you have a cash stash enough to get you home should it not work out the way you guys want it to, and you know you're welcome to come back home should it not work out, go for it. If it is a mistake, at least you're very young now and your life isn't complicated enough to go back to the way things were should it not work out. I'm not trying to be negative, either, but I was in an LDR with a guy when I was 20, and I allowed him to move from another state to come live with me after we'd only been together for 2 months. It was definitely a mistake. I became codependent and wanted to save him from his addiction to alcohol (and his laundry list of other issues), although it was impossible. I didn't really understand that he was an alcoholic until he moved in. There were a lot of parts of his personality that didn't come out until he moved in. By then, he had no money (used all his remaining savings to move to me), and didn't have a job lined up before he moved here, so he had no way of getting back home even if I wanted to send him back. I remember kind of brainwashing myself into trying to "get through it," figuring it was just an adjustment to his moving here. Turns out, it was decidedly NOT.

He leeched from me because I was stable and responsible and he knew I wouldn't kick him out on the street. It was a terribly unhealthy relationship. He had enough of a way with words and knew how to be very charming in the beginning, but once he had his hooks in me, he wasn't a loving partner (unless he felt it was to his advantage). It was on-again, off-again for 7 years (first break up was after 2 years, then a year of singledom with him coming around and being a "friend with benefits" and then back together after that), but that was my fault for continuing to give 2nd, 3rd, and 12th chances and believing his insincere apologies after every episode of him being horrible to me. If I'd gotten to know him better before allowing him to move in, I really believe I wouldn't have stayed in that relationship as long as I did. In fact, I'd probably not have allowed him to move in with me had I been able to spend more than one 1-week visit with him prior to his move. Anyone can fake good behavior for a week, lol! Yes, I still feel stupid for this whole thing to this day. :P

That being said, I met my husband at just the right time in life, not terribly long after the FINAL breakup of me and the ex in summer of 2010. It made me free to meet the love of my life just at the right time for both of us. Had I become single sooner, I might've ended up with someone else who wouldn't have been my Soul-Twin (what me and my hubby call each other), my lifelong other half. I might've dated others, but I might've also missed the opportunity to meet my true love. So for me, the heartache ultimately led to a happy ending. I got damn lucky. But at the same time, I always like to caution people to have a back-up plan in case things don't work out if they're planning on moving in with an SO so soon into the relationship.

My ex had no money or means to get himself anywhere else, so he was stuck (and I was stuck with him, argh). Essentially he had nowhere to go. And in my younger years, I was more naive, and didn't want to be "responsible" for my ex's homelessness should we break up, so it led to us staying together when in reality it would've been better to end things before the first year anniversary rolled around. Now I know of course that if we broke up and my ex became homeless, it would only be his fault for not having saved up enough for a place of his own or at least for a ticket back to where he came from. But at the time, I really felt guilty and responsible for him, messed up as that sounds.

I'm not saying it always turns out that way in these situations, but I think if you plan to move with him, you should have a little money in the bank you can use to get home just in case. If all goes well and you guys get along great and have a healthy relationship, great! If after over a year you're still over the moon in love with each other, that's even better! If not, at least you won't be stuck there and therefore compelled to stick around just because you have nowhere to go.

[elizabethjp2010]

I would say no, you two barely know each other, go for a long visit (like 2 weeks) see how you interact see if you like being around each other that long, i am just shy of 21 and my so is just shy of 22, we're not that much older than yall, barely older. we are just now talking about moving in together in another year, after 3 years of dating. take some time to figure out who you are, and then move in, there is nothing wrong with securing a future finishing school then taking that plunge. Or if you really want to move there look into OU get your own apartment, you can be CD without moving in.

[madregor]

Ouch! I get your pain Squishy, don't even get me started on my ex...but thank you for the advice. I do definitely have backup plans, people I can call, and will have enough funds to get out of there if things turn bad or just don't work.

Thank you all for your advice!