We're closing the distance, but we're fighting...

[radargal]

Mike and I will be together for 5 years next week! We're both well into our 40s and have been married before. We lived in the same city for 16-months and have been in an LDR for 3 years and 8 months. He was in the military and was transferred to Tucson. I had two teenagers and I didn't want to force them to change their lives for my personal happiness. Now they're both in college and I'm finally in a position to meet my own needs.

Mike is now retired and has chosen to live in Tucson for the rest of his life. If we're going to live together, I need to go to Tucson. I work in Washington, DC and have a great job that I love. Finding a well-paying job in Tucson has proven to be impossible, but I've been able to work it out so I can work in DC two weeks a month and work the other two weeks in Tucson. I'll have to pay for the travel costs myself, but I'm willing to do that for us to be together.

After all this time, and against all odds, we're finally able to close the distance in less than a month - even if it is only part-time! One would think we'd be thrilled - excited and counting the days. Unfortunately, this is not the case. For the last few weeks, all we do is argue. These discussions are mostly over the little details that come along with making this change, but I've become concerned that it's more than that since we can't seem to agree on ANYTHING.

For those that have closed - or are about to close - the distance, have you experienced this lack of harmony just prior to making the move?

[digitalfever]

I'd dare to say that it's normal to start fighting and creating drama where drama need not be in a situation like this.

You both are experiencing a monumental change which means not only will your everyday routine change but your expectations of yourself become intertwined with another person.

I'd say it's more to do with anxiety, nerves and coming to terms with the unknown that's ahead. Every time a argument starts I'd try to take a step back and see if it really is worth all the effort and if in the grand scheme of things if
one of you is just using the argument as a way to lash out while stressed.

[Carenza LaRue]

excuse me for asking..... but why isn't he coming to your place?

outsider as I am.... it seems unfair to me that you have to travel back and forth, have all the expenses and all the anxiety.

maybe there the tension comes from?

[garnet]

My ex SO and I fought more than we ever had before prior to closing the distance. It was awful and neither of us knew if we should even go through with it. It got better… but we didn't face the same issues that you are. That schedule seems pretty rough. :/

My current SO lives in Tucson as well, and won't leave. I think there is something in the water.

[radargal]

Thanks for the response.

I'm sure you're right; we're both Type-A personalities and despite the fact we've been together 5 years, we've never lived under the same roof. It's a little stressful for both of us; me because I'm the one that's moving and him because he'll be sharing his home for the first time in years. Perhaps it will be best if we table any discussions of "what will we do if..." until I actually make the move and see what happens.

[radargal]

excuse me for asking..... but why isn't he coming to your place?

outsider as I am.... it seems unfair to me that you have to travel back and forth, have all the expenses and all the anxiety.

maybe there the tension comes from?

He owns a home there and is an on-call pilot. He has to be available to fly within 4 hours, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Him coming to DC is not an option. I've come to terms with the fact that I have to accept him - and the situation we're in - exactly as it is, so I don't think that's the real issue.

[radargal]

My ex SO and I fought more than we ever had before prior to closing the distance. It was awful and neither of us knew if we should even go through with it. It got better… but we didn't face the same issues that you are. That schedule seems pretty rough. :/

My current SO lives in Tucson as well, and won't leave. I think there is something in the water.

That's so funny that your current SO lives in Tucson! Frankly, I disn't see the attraction initially, but each time I visit it grows on me a little more. I'm glad to hear it got better.

I expect the back and forth schedule is going to be very rough on me, but seeing him once a month is better than what we have right now. Of course, all that could change as he's considering a job that will take him out of the country 6 months out of 12. We'll just roll with the punches like we always do. And hope for the day we can be under the same roof full time.

Do you have plans to make the move to Tucson any time soon?