Furious with My Love...

[FtWorth2Denver]

I haven't logged in for quite some time, but I need to vent. Every time my man and I make plans to "close the distance" as it were, something comes up... it's either his son, etc... I've been pretty upset about it lately, so we've decided to do it in the coming weeks. However, one of his friends calls on Monday and says his adult daughter left Denver with a much older man, and now he's abusing her. He wants my boyfriend to drive to Ohio with him to pick her up and bring her back. I told him that I wasn't feeling that, particularly since he hasn't even been to Texas to see me IN OVER 2 YEARS. He said Monday that he wasn't going.

Today he tells me more of the story, I guess to illicit some sort of sympathy, and yep you guessed it -- he's heading to Ohio. He said he hopes I'm not upset. Of course he knows I am. I just told him to be careful, and I hung up.

Why can't he see that him rushing off to do this, hurts me? I just spent my 2nd birthday, 2nd Thanksgiving, 2nd Christmas, and 2nd New Year alone, but I'm supposed to be ok with him driving 600 miles further than Texas to go rescue someone else. Shouldn't he be coming to my rescue? It just shows no consideration for me at all.

[digitalfever]

It would seem that closing the distance is not a priority to him and I'd really have a serious conversation with him about what he wants, where he wants to be and then see what you want once you have your answers.

I do however believe that abide is serious and that being there for a friend who needs you is a big deal. Especially in this kind of situation.

[Verojoon]

If this had been the only occasion where he had chosen to help rescue someone over seeing you, I would think maybe you were being selfish... but if he has made no effort in the past 2 years, and yet he can make that effort for his friend... it seems in the past 2 years that same effort could have been extended to you...

Have you let him know explicitly how you feel? How about things on your end? Can you see him? Could he feel you are not making the effort?

I'm always the one who has to go to Texas (I just came home from DFW today) but I understand his reasons and it makes sense... once these obstacles are no longer in place, I could feel a lot less likely to make the effort to see him if he makes no effort on his side....

[Kiyama]

Have you gone to visit him?
In this particular situation I would let him off. Sounds like an emergency but in general it doesn't seem like he makes a lot of an effort for you. Does he have second thoughts about closing the distance or your relationship in general? If you haven't talked about it yet, then you should sit down with him and have a serious conversation about where he sees the relationship going.

[FtWorth2Denver]

Thanks for your input, Everyone.

Let me answer some of your questions. This is NOT the first occasion he has asked me to "be patient" in the two years we've been together. Everytime we make plans to get together, FINALLY, something happens and we have to wait a little longer. When that has not played out, I've offered to head to Denver to visit him. I've gone so far as calling him as I was ready to book my flight and asking him which date he'd like for me to come out; he's said well, let me check my son's schedule to see when a good time would be, or I'll have to see when I can take off work. That's great...totally understandable, however he has yet to find an acceptable date in 2 years.

I have talked until I'm blue in the face. I've told him that I feel secondary to everyone and everything in his life. I told him yesterday that there were airfare sales from DFW to Denver and vice versa, to which he says "babe, just be patient"... "we will be together very soon."

I guess that in the grand scheme of things it was an emergency and we talked that out, but the way he dropped everything to go with his best friend is something he has NEVER done for me. That's what I take issue with. He does it for his son's mother, as well. He claims he's moving here and he wants to get married, but I don't know. He's waivered so much on just making a weekend visit, my faith is shaken.

I'm simply tired. When I bring my feelings up to him, he feels injured... like i'm attacking him, and I don't do that. I tell him how "I feel". He doesn't call back when he says he will... he'll send a text instead. If it were an occassional thing, I wouldn't mind that so much, but it's on a regular basis. I don't feel important to him, and I used to. I asked if he wants out, he says no, that he can't live without me... But I'm in a relationship and I'm still lonely. What does he not get about that?

[ThePiedPiper]

Have you two Skyped at all? I hate to sound like I've been watching too much Catfish, but not much good usually comes from someone backing out last minute or not even allowing you to come in the first place. :/ Could it be possible he's hiding something from you, whether it's he gave you photos that might not actually be who he says he is or he's still more involved with someone (such as his ex-wife) than he's led you to believe? It's interesting to me that in two years, he's simultaneously said he can't live without you and kept you at a suitable distance, not allowing you to visit him and not coming to visit you either; furthermore, he ends up getting defensive when you call him out on it, regardless of how gently. There are a lot of red flags on this one. My guess would be he's keeping something from you. Whether it's innocent or not, I'm not sure, but at this point I'd consider delivering an ultimatum. I don't usually agree with the "either we meet or I'm gone" ultimatum, but either way, the relationship seems to be on its last legs. What's a relationship if he won't even allow you two to meet? I would say the ultimatum will either cement in place that he's not prepared to meet you or it will force him to come clean and you'll at least get a sense of closure, if not a happy ending.

[Carenza LaRue]

something tells me, that if you have to put so much effort in closing the distance..... you're heading for a lot of disappointment once you closed the distance.

seems like he is not that eager to REALLY close the distance.....so I can imagine how upset and angry you must be.

sorry.... wish I could say something to make you feel better.

[Moon]

Wait...are you talking about actually closing the distance, or just a visit? I'm confused.

If you are closing it, it could be nerves on his part, or maybe he's not quite ready yet. Those are understandable.

If it's just a visit, and he doesn't want you to come, that's a whole other story. If that's the case, I'm sorry, but something is really wrong here, and I'm not to hopeful for the outcome, but I think people could help you better (or, am I the only one confused ) if we knew if you're moving, or visiting?

[Fltricia]

I'm concerned that he may not be who he says he is. Can you skype with him? I'm a little worried like other poster above that there might be a Catfish issue going on here. I'm sorry you are going through this. That is too much time to be away from someone you love unless they are in the millitary or incarcerated. I think something could be fishy. It doesn't mean he is a bad person. He may be afraid to show you the real him (he isn't in shape, doesn't look like he says he does).

[Black_Halloween]

I agree with ThePiedPiper, it sounds like he's hiding something from you and this might be a Catfish case. Have you skyped with him? do you know he is who he says he is? If you havn't skyped then I really don't think he is who he says he is. Tell him to tell you the truth or you're done! Don't wait around for somebody like that.

[Lucky]

I hate to be negative but while I was reading half way through your post I thought "he is married"
Now do keep in mind I might be biased since that actually happened to me a few years ago, so maybe I am being paranoid, but it does sound a lot like it by not letting you visit, does he by any chance always calls you at the same time every day? is there certain days he never calls you? how does he react if you call him out of the blue? what if you instead of replying with a text you just call him? even if a friend was around he shouldn't have a problem with a quick hello.

In my experience when someone gets defensive while you are trying to explain your feelings it is usually bad news, they feel guilty I guess.

I understand this is frustrating especially when it feels you are so close to being together, but if he has already string you along like this for a couple of years, regardless if he has been lying to you or telling the truth, maybe it was never as close as you thought, so don't hang in there thinking to yourself "just a few more months" because they might become years, wait for him only if you are sure he is the right person for you and has shared as much of his life as you have shared with him, it is only fair.

[FtWorth2Denver]

Yes everyone, we've skype'd. I'm sorry to confuse you all -- I was talking about visiting and closing the distance. We're working it out. I've expressed to him everything I've posted here, and somehow, he was clueless. He's doing a lot better -- we're going to spend Valentine's Day together. Also, he's applying for jobs down here and I'm applying for jobs in Denver. Whoever gets a job first, is moving. We've been working hard on this and we both want to be together ... build a life together, start a family, etc...