How Do You Make a Plan to Close the Distance?

[TriniCherryPrincess]

We have a while to go before we can CD but I'm not sure how to plan for that.
How does setting an actual date happen?
Do you have a conversation about splitting chores and/or bills beforehand?
How do you have a conversation about goals?

Thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions.

[kacie]

With us it's a case of we know when we're going to apply for the visa for me to move over and roughly how long it will take, so we have an idea of when we are able to close the distance

[lyonsgirl]

Setting a date is what works for you, as a couple. For us, it's hopefully going to be before we get married in October. As far as "divvying up chores and bills", that's something you don't really need to talk about until you're actually living together. The details of living together (the nit-picky things, like those) can be talked about before, like, who likes to do dishes/laundry/etc. But honestly, those things will fall into place without the discussion. Who's paying for what (as far as rent/utilities) can be discussed once you know for sure where you'll be living and how much you're each going to be making.

If you've got a while (6+months) before you're going to close the distance, I wouldn't worry about those things. As far as the "goals" conversation goes... I don't mean to sound rude, but you've been together since 2008. Haven't you talked about your goals by now?

[MattDavies86]

For us it would have to be marriage, but we're talking at least 2 years before that. visas and all

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Setting a date is what works for you, as a couple. For us, it's hopefully going to be before we get married in October. As far as "divvying up chores and bills", that's something you don't really need to talk about until you're actually living together. The details of living together (the nit-picky things, like those) can be talked about before, like, who likes to do dishes/laundry/etc. But honestly, those things will fall into place without the discussion. Who's paying for what (as far as rent/utilities) can be discussed once you know for sure where you'll be living and how much you're each going to be making.

If you've got a while (6+months) before you're going to close the distance, I wouldn't worry about those things. As far as the "goals" conversation goes... I don't mean to sound rude, but you've been together since 2008. Haven't you talked about your goals by now?

No offense taken, thanks for the advice. No, we haven't talked about goals seriously because he's in a place in his life where he's figuring out what he wants to do and I'm finally in a place in my life where I have to think about where I want to find a job after I finish my masters program and such. The only "goal" we have is that we'd like to live together. Next year is when I plan to make moves so starting to plan this stuff is important, which is why I need help!

As for the actual living situation and agreements, I'm just nervous because all throughout college I've had horrible roommate after horrible roommate. Even where I'm living now, there is no teamwork when it comes to cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. It makes me anxious.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

With us it's a case of we know when we're going to apply for the visa for me to move over and roughly how long it will take, so we have an idea of when we are able to close the distance

For us it would have to be marriage, but we're talking at least 2 years before that. visas and all

Ok, so since I don't have to worry about visas, I guess the comparison could be my graduation- as in nothing can happen until you get your visas and I graduate. Right, so that leaves me at mid to late 2014.

[lyonsgirl]

Ok, so since I don't have to worry about visas, I guess the comparison could be my graduation- as in nothing can happen until you get your visas and I graduate. Right, so that leaves me at mid to late 2014.

If you essentially have a year and a half to two years before you can consider closing the distance, and you don't have to worry about visas.... why are you worrying about this now? You and your SO can start discussing it, and, I highly recommend you do. You're getting married, right? I guess I'm still stuck on the "you haven't talked about your goals" thing. I get that you and your SO are younger, but that's still something that you need to talk about before you get married.

Since it seems to me as though you haven't discussed some important topics, I also strongly recommend you look into pre-marital counseling. The church my SO & I are getting married in sent me a workbook for us to go through before the wedding. It's brought up a lot of questions about ourselves and what we're expecting out of marriage - and we've only just finished the first chapter. If you're not religious, there are other options than going through a church. I know it's not for everyone, but everyone that I've talked to that has gone through it has said it's helped them.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Exactly. We've never had an actual serious discussion about all of this and since I have no idea how to go about it I was interested in how other people started verbalizing a plan.

I'm interested in premarital counseling, although not necessarily Christian. I wouldn't get married without it. The move would most likely happen before marriage, or maybe not. I don't know because it hasn't been talked over.

Yes, its been a long time we've been together but I was more interested in finishing school before giving living together extra thought. Now that I'm almost done and we're still willing to spend the rest of our lives together I think it's the right time.

[iHeartt]

Communicate communicate communicate!! Take it by steps. Step one, finish school. As another poster said, you can begin talking about it now. But try not to stress over it until you get out of school! For us, we knew we wanted to be together, just a matter of finding a date. That was easy, when my apartment lease was up. Then, finding a job, etc. But, once you have steps in place, just stick to the plan. Goals, you need to begin discussing them now. What do you want to do after school? What does he want to do after school? Where do yall want to live? Can you both find good jobs in your selected area? Lots of things to think about. But the first thing you need to do, if you're both serious about living and being together, just talk about it. Understand that you both might have differences about the situation, (where to live, etc...) but with good communication and compromise, you can do it!!

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Communicate communicate communicate!! Take it by steps. Step one, finish school. As another poster said, you can begin talking about it now. But try not to stress over it until you get out of school! For us, we knew we wanted to be together, just a matter of finding a date. That was easy, when my apartment lease was up. Then, finding a job, etc. But, once you have steps in place, just stick to the plan. Goals, you need to begin discussing them now. What do you want to do after school? What does he want to do after school? Where do yall want to live? Can you both find good jobs in your selected area? Lots of things to think about. But the first thing you need to do, if you're both serious about living and being together, just talk about it. Understand that you both might have differences about the situation, (where to live, etc...) but with good communication and compromise, you can do it!!

Thanks for the advice! Those are good questions to ask. As for school, with the way the economy is I'll have to know where I want to look for a job and live before I graduate because ideally I want to start working as soon after my graduation as possible. But I will work on it

[lucybelle]

Setting a date is what works for you, as a couple. For us, it's hopefully going to be before we get married in October. As far as "divvying up chores and bills", that's something you don't really need to talk about until you're actually living together. The details of living together (the nit-picky things, like those) can be talked about before, like, who likes to do dishes/laundry/etc. But honestly, those things will fall into place without the discussion.

I actually think this conversation is very important. But not so much like "you always mop the floor, I always do the laundry" It should be more about general house expectations. If one of you is working and the other isn't, do you expect the house to be cleaned and dinner to be cooked by the time you get home? Are you a very messy person or a very neat person? Do you mind dirty laundry on the floor or does it HAVE to be in the hamper? Those are lots of things couples can fight about.

Since it seems to me as though you haven't discussed some important topics, I also strongly recommend you look into pre-marital counseling. The church my SO & I are getting married in sent me a workbook for us to go through before the wedding. It's brought up a lot of questions about ourselves and what we're expecting out of marriage - and we've only just finished the first chapter. If you're not religious, there are other options than going through a church. I know it's not for everyone, but everyone that I've talked to that has gone through it has said it's helped them.

I think premarital counseling is a little premature for a couple just moving in with each other. For those who opt to live with each other before marriage, it basically brings out all the same things that counseling would. My SO and I never had counseling since we lived together for almost 2 years before getting hitched. I think counseling is a really good idea for those who chose not to live together first, but for those who do live together that's when all the trials begin. To see if you have compatible life goals and styles.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Thank you for your advice! No one is perfect, so some expectations may be too much but living in a nice and clean place is important to me. I can say that it is a conversation that I've already had.