When to talk about closing distance?

[jess_mp]

Hi there

I'd like you give me advice on this, I've been reading some posts in here, and you ladies seem to control this situation better than me... when I see some of you were far from your sweethearts for many years, before closing distance, I think wow... it must be just me who needs to learn about being patience.

I knew Marc last year in april, we've been chating since then, we had an inmediate connection, first we were friends, we like to spend time together on skype, talking about everything, we felt so attracted to each other, so we became eboyfriend and egirlfriend.
Then I met him in real in december last year, I went to the Netherlands, and it was magical, we spent christmas together and we were so happy.
Our love is growing every day, and I never felt this before for any guy, he's just so different, so kind and sweet, and he cares about me.
He says he'd like to call me wife, and he wants to have babies with me and grow old.

Now he wants me to visit him again in summer for two months, and then he plans to come in December. But I've been feeling down because I miss him so much, since I am back to Mexico, I feel so incomplete.
Happiness for me is waking up next to him everyday, cooking for him, going for a walk, doing things together....

We haven't really talked about closing the distance, he seems to get stressed when we start making plans...
There's nothing that ties me here in my country, I live alone in this city, don't have children, my family is split, my father lives in the US, my mom in another town, I am almost 27, I studied university, now I work... my job is the only thing I have here. I think I could just move and do the things I do here, do those things there, with him.
I am willing to move and look for a job there and make things work. But I think in order to move we'd have to get married... he told me before he'd like to get married (he's 40)... but I guess he's just not ready right now, or he wants to see how things go when we met again.
I just don't know how much time we'll be like this... traveling... at least for me it is not easy, I have to save so much money to visit him, I just work for that now.

I wish he told me he wants to close distance soon... do you think I am going so fast if I think we should close distance this year?
Should I talk to him about this?
Thanks in advance for your advices.

[Kiyama]

I think you should talk to him about it. It is pretty early to talk about marriage after you only met once not so long ago. While I understand that you want to be with him, marriage is a big commitment and to decide something like that in your situation might not be the best idea. I'm saying might because I'm not in your position and everybody is different. It could work out for you or it could not. Generally I think it's better to get to know each other better and maybe live together for a while before making a life changing decision. Maybe you could go to the US on a visitor visa or something so you can get to know each other a little better?
Also, closing the distance and moving to the US by marriage isn't as easy as it seems. It is a long visa journey till then and I dare say it will not happen by the end of the year. My SO and I have applied for a K1 visa but as things look at the moment, it will take a looooong time.

[Dezface]

I think LDR's are tricky. On the one hand, they're just like a normal relationship in that if you push someone too hard, you may end up with undesirable results. On the other hand, you're apart and sometimes the only way to see if the relationship will work is to dive in and live together or get married.

Have an honest conversation with him. I've found in a LDR you just have to be blunt. I bluntly told my SO I wanted babies now and wanted to consider getting married. All way way before we closed the distance. I had to or else I risked moving here and having us not be on the same page. So yeah, just talk and see where you both stand and go from there.

Kiyama: He's in The Netherlands, not the US

[Kiyama]

Kiyama: He's in The Netherlands, not the US

ups, thanks for pointing that out Things are way easier then.
In that case it should be possible for you to try and get some kind of visa to visit?

[Moon]

I think you're jumping the gun a little bit here, slow down. In an LDR we all feel the same way you do, we all daydream about what we'd be doing if we were together, we have awful moments of loneliness, we try coming up with crazy plots to be together sooner that's totally normal, and an unfortunate part of life in an LDR. What you don't want to do is go off any marry someone you've known less than a year and visited once. Those first visits are more like vacations than real life, the mood is relaxed and loving, there's no day-to-day stress, you'd be marrying someone you don't really know. He's stressed when you talk about it because he knows it's too soon. The best advice I can give you is try for a couple of long visits first, see how you are to each other in real life situations. Of course you'll miss him, and of course it hurts, but try to be patient and let your relationship grow and develop before you start talking marriage.

[Tanja]

I agree with Moon. Getting married after one visit isn't necessarily the best idea. You should at least live together for a couple of months in order to get to know what the real everyday life is. Once you're married and see each other everyday the rainbows and sunshine can fade rather quickly.

Talk to him about it and tell him you don't need to hurry but it would be nice to talk about the future and make more plans. In the meanwhile keep working and visiting whenever you can. Things will go from there.

[jess_mp]

Thanks a lot for your advices, I'm really going to do what you suggest, and I'll talk to my bf about future, (not marriage) and I'll try to slow down. I just purchased the LDR workbook, I hope that helps me too. Gracias!!!

[MattDavies86]

As everyone said, take your time and enjoy getting to know each other, get excited about your next visit and keep the passion alive! I'm the same as you and as many here, we are all REALLY looking forward to that end result, that "Happy ever after" the time where you can both look back and think, well, that journey wasn't so bad, look at us now, happy and together! but it does take time, it's good you have no ties in Mexico, makes it so much easier for you! Same as my SO, she has family but doesn't live with them, so she will still see them the same amount of times a year when she's living here, only her daughter (nearly 2) but we plan to bring her here after we marry and she is living here.

Anyway, I want to get there already and be together, but I only want to marry once in my life, as I'm sure are you, best to take time and make sure it's right

[AshleyC]

Hola Jess! My situation is a bit similar to you, my GF lives in Tokyo and I live in London! We became friends first, we talked all the time, e mail, Skype, google chat, whats app and all that communication made us very close. She was like you, at first the distance really made her sad (while for me it was ok) but the constant communication has really helped her feel at ease so just keep talking everyday!! Its amazing how close you can become via constant chatting online!! And check out the things here on this forum that other members do to keep in touch (something I am doing too!)

She came to meet me in July 2012 and because we has built up a wonderful friendship beforehand it just worked! (Something that hasn't happened for me in close distant relationships as bang..suddenly I am in one and then its only then that I start to find out about the other person) I saved money and travelled to Tokyo Jan 2013 and woo what an amazing experience!! Japan AND the lovely Yoko!! So I say keep chatting, save some money and then fly to Holland for ANOTHER great holiday/time! Summer its pretty close!!!!

I am very new to this forum but its great to suddenly realise we are not alone! Ay Caramba!

El Senor Ashley!

p.s Mi espanol es no bueno! LOL!

[jess_mp]

Hola Jess! My situation is a bit similar to you, my GF lives in Tokyo and I live in London! We became friends first, we talked all the time, e mail, Skype, google chat, whats app and all that communication made us very close. She was like you, at first the distance really made her sad (while for me it was ok) but the constant communication has really helped her feel at ease so just keep talking everyday!! Its amazing how close you can become via constant chatting online!! And check out the things here on this forum that other members do to keep in touch (something I am doing too!)

She came to meet me in July 2012 and because we has built up a wonderful friendship beforehand it just worked! (Something that hasn't happened for me in close distant relationships as bang..suddenly I am in one and then its only then that I start to find out about the other person) I saved money and travelled to Tokyo Jan 2013 and woo what an amazing experience!! Japan AND the lovely Yoko!! So I say keep chatting, save some money and then fly to Holland for ANOTHER great holiday/time! Summer its pretty close!!!!

I am very new to this forum but its great to suddenly realise we are not alone! Ay Caramba!

El Senor Ashley!

p.s Mi espanol es no bueno! LOL!

Hola muchas gracias por tu consejo!!!

Hell yes! I'm ready to spend the whole summer of 2013 with my sweetheart, Summer come to me!
You are very right, summer is close, getting closer every time :O

Thanks a lot for the inspiration!!! My best wishes for you and your partner

P.S Tu español está bien, es gracioso jaja

[hans]

Hello Jess, I do recognize your situation myself. My SO is from the northern part of Mexico and I live in Sweden. We have been together a bit more then 2 years now. I am amazed how well you can learn to know each other by skyping and chatting. But as other have said, I think you need to spend time together irl as well - to get a feeling for how we interact in real day to day life. On the other hand I suppose when you have got to learn each other well in advance I don't think you need years of living close or together. I don't know any time limit though. My SO will visit soon and stay around 3 months, and that will be fun, exiting and also a good base for how we go from here.
Nice with another Mexican connection.

[Amberlynn]

I would talk about it when you feel ready. Almost from the start we decided what we wanted. I am planning to move to Oklahoma in about a year (hopefully) once he for sure has a stable job and a place for me to stay. It's something to look forward to. We are planning our first visit this summer. We has mentioned kids and what a future would be like together. This all happened really quickly. I think it's not a bad idea to put things in the open.

[jess_mp]

On the other hand I suppose when you have got to learn each other well in advance I don't think you need years of living close or together. I don't know any time limit though. My SO will visit soon and stay around 3 months, and that will be fun, exiting and also a good base for how we go from here.

I agree with you, when you have already got to know each other in advance, you don't necessary need years of living close or together.

Best wishes for you and your mexicana.

[jess_mp]

I am just happy because my bf and I have the same thoughts about the future... he has already told me he wants children and get married.

We don't know when this will happen, and I am not pressuring him about it anymore, but it's good to know at least he wants the same things I want and he looks at me like a steady gf and he realizes we are in a comitted relationship. He says we might close distance next year, we still have to figure out legal documents, visa and stuff we need to have in order so I can move.

We'll meet in 3 months (for a second time) and I'll spend 2 months with him, that will be so good for us to see how we interact while living together.
Thanks for your replies again.