Closing the Distance at a Stand-still

[mandee]

Hi, I am new here and I am desperately seeking advice.
My bf and I have been LD for almost 4 years now. Our relationship was great and we talked all the time and I eventually sought out moving to NV where he is. However, that plan went sour bc the economy was so horrible there and no way I would find decent work. I have a good job here (WA) and he wasn't really making money there either. So it would've been a bad move. Last spring I made the decision to start looking into buying my first home (I wanted to make an investment in something), I didn't expect him to move here or even want to, but all of the sudden he made it clear to me that he was going to be involved and will eventually move here into OUR home. This made our relationship even better! He helped me with a down payment and everything. Finally, end of Dec 2012 I closed on our house, i moved in, and his plan was to be here by February. Feb came and he was still on a job that he needed to finish. Once the job ended, then he needed to find a better vehicle which took us into April. He is in the fitness equipment industry and started his own company to bring here with him. In April he got wind of a possible contract that could really set us up money-wise here.. however, there is still no word on whether this place wants to do business with him. So he tells me he is just waiting on their answer.Also, for another kicker- his brother (was living with him) and has now moved here, with me so he could find work here... strange, I know.. My bf has recently been entered into a Jiu Jitz tournament that he has been severely training for for a few weeks. He has seemed very distant with me since he started training. He has a military background and I can see he is a very focused individual when it comes to certain things. So I am hoping that his distance is coming from only bc he is so focused on this tournament. And our conversations have turned into " I have to drink my protein shake" "I went for a 2 mile run" "I am going to go out there and crush people".. its all about him. I tried bringing up moving and what not and he just gets irritated with it. So when that happens, then I start to question things.. which makes me insane..

I went down to see him a few weeks ago, the plan was to help him clean his place and get some things organized so he isn't so overwhelmed with moving when its time. When I got there, it looked as though he wasn't even trying to make an effort with packing. He is a bachelor and not a clean one, but I just thought that things would have been a little better than they were. I eventually voiced my concerns about everything, and the waiting and waiting.... he got on his knees in front of me while I was crying and promised me that he was going to move here. But I feel like I am going completely insane and over-reacting to every little thing. The waiting is making me depressed! I hate feeling like this. Is anyone gone or going through this? What advice do you have. I just need to get out of this constant wondering state of emotion that I am in. Any help is appreciated.

Thanks

[Zephii]

I have not been in this situation, but I wanted to offer support anyway. Waiting is always maddening, I must admit I'm no good at it either!

I find it a bit odd that he keeps starting new things rather than just doing it... sometimes you have to just GO... you know? But it might take him a little while to get to the point where he can see that too. Good luck, I'm sure it will work out in the end.

[Kiyama]

I can imagine this wait is really hard.
It sounds to me as if he's a little scared to finally take the big step after all these years and talking. The thought of starting over can be intimitating so that might be the reason why he is extending his stay by delaying and starting new stuff a little bit.
Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to me that the best thing to do right now is to give him a bif of time and not poke around in the whole moving issue for a while. He's going to come around eventually I think

[squeeker]

I know how you feel in a way. Though I'd like to say our situation is even more difficult because we have immigration laws in the way.. and money issues but money issues are there even in the same country and it's difficult no matter what. My boyfriend and I are looking at another 5-6 years or MORE in a long distance relationship, and we've known each other almost 4 years, been in a relationship for almost 3. All of which has been long distance. And we're going to university to help us with our closing the distance but still. I think it's harder for you because you are in a place and even his brother is living with you but he's not ready yet?? I hope he decides to make the move soon.

[Isla]

He may be feeling anxious about giving up what he has to move to another place. It's a pretty scary thing to pack up all your belongings, pull out of your commitments and just do it. Perhaps he's just procrastinating, because he doesn't feel ready?

It seems to me as though you're handling it very maturely though, and I'm glad you have spoken to him.

[AppleDog22]

Against better judgment, I'm usually an avoider. But in this situation, maybe giving him some space on the issue for a few weeks/months would be a good thing. I can only imagine the stresses of uprooting one's life. He's already made a big commitment in going in on the house $$ with you, so maybe the actual move will just take some time.

I'd let him know how you're feeling first, let him know you empathize with his situation and want him to feel comfortable and ready, let him know you're going to set the issue aside for a while (without making him feel like you're setting a timer on him), and step back a little. Hopefully something with his work and other commitments will straighten out in the meantime or he'll feel less pressure from the move and even more mindfully put himself into figuring that stuff out!

[vcntrygrlv]

I am kind of going through a similar issue. I am dying to meet him and have been since the moment we started talking. But it always seems like one excuse or another and I start to wonder if they are real or made up, how is one to know? I know I have trust issues...and I don't know whether I am just being paranoid or if I am reading the situation entirely right and he really is never going to come here.

He has obviously made more of an attempt then my guy, putting money down with you for the house and having his brother move out there, so I would have to say things should work themselves out for you! :-)