Feeling guilty about taking so away from family.

[80anthea]

I'm in the UK and my SO is in the USA. We've spoken a lot about closing the distance and the plan is once I'm divorced officially for him to come over here, we haven't decided the official visa route to go just yet but that's the overall plan. He has always said he would come here, mainly as I have a good job, I have a daughter who I'd like to keep near her Dad and he really dislikes where he lives anyway. He's in red Bible belt America but is a liberal atheist so he really feels out of place there. However, he is really close to his mom, his dad died when he was a teenager so he just has his mom, I feel really bad for taking him away from her. It's really hit home today as she is ill in hospital and he's stayed with her the whole time, all I keep thinking is he couldn't do that when he lives here and I know that would really upset him.


Does anyone else feel like this about bringing (or potentially bringing) their SO to their country? I want to be with him so much but don't want him to be unhappy in doing so.

[Hollandia]

I am the one that has to leave my country. It is going to be immensely hard but somebody has to sacrifice in these LDR mostly and for me, it is me. He has contracts with work and school for years to come. If I want to be with him I have to leave family and friends and a few beloved pets that would be miserable in his apartment versus giving them to the ex that wants them.

I don't blame him, but I do feel that I really hope he appreciates that I am doing this for love and not because I hate my country or need an escape. That is really all I can say on the matter. These damn LDR's are so complicated.


I will never hold it against him if I decide to do it, I do it with open eyes. That would be my only suggestion for you SO, make sure they have their eyes fully open and not full of the fantasy happy dream world he might think it would be. Culture shock happens and homesickness even if you are miserable in your home, it was still your home to many.

On the lighter side, if you have a good job then you two will be able to go back and visit his mom and make sure it lessens the pain and makes the transition easier.

[80anthea]

Thanks Hollandia, it's good to hear the other side too. The thing is I would leave where I live for him IF I didn't have my daughter to think about. If I ever had to decide between the two of them it would be the most difficult decision I would ever have to make as I love them both. He wants to come here, he has never been to the country yet but he's said if it were up to him and there were no visa regulations he'd come and just stay here tomorrow. We're a way off closing the distance yet, we've still only been together 8-months and even though we both know it's something we do want to do one day, I know we'll get through whatever wait. The only thing I would like is to have any more kids before the age of 35 which gives us 3 years really to get settled.

I guess the bottom line is I don't want him to be homesick and ever resent me dragging him away from home

[mllebamako]

I guess the bottom line is I don't want him to be homesick and ever resent me dragging him away from home

I understand where you are coming from but don't forget that he is an adult, who is making a decision fully knowing the consequences of that (potential homesickness, not being close to his mom, etc). This is just one of those crappy realities that people in LDRs (especially international ones) have to go through: someone is going to have to move away from their home/family.

I live in my SO's country and, while I miss my family and wish I could live closer to them, I have never once resented my SO for it!

[80anthea]

Thanks, you're right, it has always been and always will be his decision to make any move. I'm just a worrier!

[abna1]

Don't be worried ! He's willing to leave his family and friends behind for YOU. And even if he does get a bit homesick from time to time, he could visit home or Skype or do all the things you're doing now to keep in touch.
I'll be the one moving in my case, too. I made that decision because I know it's for the best and I could never hold that against him. I know I'll miss home occasionally, but the thought of finally being together in a country that I know and love, makes it all better. And my family and friends all can't wait to visit me.

[Hollandia]

Yes, I am just trying to tell you what the other side does have to go through for this. I have no judgement for him and just speaking of my own experiences from only just spending every 3 months away for 88 days for the last few years. I go through the culture shock , I miss my family and friends and my pets, but I love him more.

I won't have a regret but I have had a long time to get to this point and like I said, my eyes are open. I just think he needs to make sure his are too.

[Zephii]

I hear you, I get major international guilt, especially now Isis is here, even though in a few years we will move back. Their time will come

But, you know what helps? Having emergency flight money ready. Obi has three surviving grandparents as well as his own parents (it boggles my mind, all my people are long dead) and we know at least one of those grandparents isn't getting another decade after this one. So we have money we can call on at the drop of a hat if he needs to get over there fast. No one knows this of course, otherwise his sister would be like "you have the money" when she springs her surprise wedding on us that we're sure is coming But yes, that's my rambily advice - know that if he needs to be there for her he can be. Be prepared.

I can't honestly say he'll never resent you, because I did live in my SO's country and I hated it and eventually I did start to resent him and his family for it. But you know what? It wasn't the end of the world or our relationship. We talked it out, found solutions that worked for us, and got past it. There's no reason that if things don't go to plan you can't work out some kind of compromise, and there's no good worrying about it in the meantime.

Worry is like a rocking horse, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere

[Dezface]

My SO has said a few times he feels guilty for "taking me away." I remind him that he didn't take me away, I chose to go. I think just being mindful of the fact that he'll need to go home frequently will help. I've been honest with my SO and told him that while I know money will be tight at points, me getting to see my family has to be a priority. Maybe that sounds selfish, but it's the only way I can do this. I have to know that I'm not "cut off" from everyone else I know and love.

You shouldn't feel guilty, he's ultimately making the decision. But do be aware how difficult it may be for him.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with everyone else here. Be mindful that it might not be easy for him but also keep in mind that he made the decision to go on his own. In my case,I was the one who made the move and though I hated where I was and had to get myself out of my situation I still miss my mom and brothers. I even told my fiance that I'm doing this because I love him and I want us to have our future together,but I also need him to be there for me if I start getting homesick or the transition gets harder for me then expected and he did. I also keep in touch over FB with my mom and my brother which seems to help so maybe your SO can do the same with whatever means he wants to use. As a matter of fact,my fiance encourages me having contact with my mom and brothers,you doing the same might help him too.

[leonsfangirl]

Im in the same situation. My SO only has his mother, and i feel terrible about him having to leave her. He feels terrible about leaving her too, when he was at his lowest she was one of only 2 people who stuck by him through it all (The other being me). I love her dearly and feel crap for taking her son away. But we're putting things in place so she can visit us here whenever she wants to and we plan on going back alot. I'm also setting up an emergency fund so if (god forbid) anything happens to her i can atleast get him to her straight away.
His mother wants him to be happy. she'll miss him like crazy but she's happy that he's found someone who loves him as much as she does and will stand by him and take care of him.

[80anthea]

Thank you for your replies. The idea of setting up an emergency fund is an excellent one, I've spoken to his mom a few times and she is really lovely, when he first mentioned me to her I think she was very worried and against it and she wasn't keen on him coming to nyc to meet me. I think she now realises he does want to come eventually and according to him she likes me. You're right it's just another crap part of a international relationship. Once his mom is settled health wise I'll talk to him properly about it. But like I say, we're a way of this point anyway so in some ways I'm getting ahead of myself!

[vcntrygrlv]

I have the same worry, and I wouldn't even be making him leave the country. So I know what you mean. If I didn't have kids that I had to share with my ex I would have already packed up and moved to where he is, I am not that close with my family like he is. My thoughts are maybe once my kids are grown, he and I and any kids we have might be able to move up there for his family to have us in their lives for awhile.

I sometimes get angry at him for not being in more of a hurry to move down here with me, like I would be, but I forget some people actually have friends and family in their location that they care a great deal about. I only need him and my children to be happy, I can make friends anywhere and visit my family or talk to them on the phone.

[delightful]

Yeah, this can be quite hard to deal with sometimes... but if they're moving, they must want to because it's something they generally want to, otherwise they wouldn't. Just gotta trust!