Am I selfish?

[MorticianBarbie]

We've been together for a year and a half, but have been friends for over 4 years. Our deal was always that I'd move to him when I finished school. I'm in CA, he's in Iowa. So the time came, I packed up and hit the road. My family drove with me to see where I was going to live and to meet his family and all that. We got there and three days later when my family was driving home, I was in the car with them. My anxiety and fear got the best of me and as much as I love him, I love my family too and I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my life, family, and friends behind for something new. New scares me. I'm still in CA, and don't really regret my decision, just regret all the pain and humiliation that came with it. I've never been in a LDR before and nobody I know has been in one either, so I desperately need help from people who understand, which is why I'm here now. He was going to move here before but we had only been together for a few months and I told him that's too big of a move for something that was so new to us. Now he says his life is established and he's comfortable where he's at. I'm terrified of the thought of moving there and right now it's just not an option. So my question is, what do I do now? Is it selfish of me to say "I'm too scared to make this move right now, you have to"...cuz that makes me feel like a hypocrite. His friends and family tell him that I must not love him enough if I couldn't stay. So that makes me feel like crap and insecure. Anyone else ever been put in the position where they felt like they had to choose between their SO and their family? Do I just end things between us? Any other ideas? I need help...this is destroying me

[lyonsgirl]

How can you expect him to give up his life for you if you aren't willing to do the same?

Take a chance. Live there for 6 months, then see how you feel. Were you going to move in with him/his family, or live on your own? What were you planning to do to support yourself?

[MorticianBarbie]

That's my whole problem. I can't ask him to do something I couldn't do for him, and I haven't asked him to move here.
He has his own place and me and my dog were going to move in. I hadn't found a job there yet. I just graduated from school to be a funeral director/embalmer so I was going to do my internship. If I did to my internship there and wanted to come back, I'd have to stay there for 5 years for experience, or else if I moved back to CA, I'd have to re-do my internship all over again. So the 6 month try isn't possible without totally screwing up my own financial/career future. My family isn't made of money so I know I'd only see them once or twice a year, and I'm really close with them so I couldn't stand that thought.

[kattermole]

I think you need to get away from thinking of it as choosing between them, you aren't leaving your family behind never to see them again, you're widening your horizons and trying out something new. You won't be trapped there, and if you know you can always go back home should you really struggle, that should make things a bit easier. The two of you could even move nearer your family in years to come. Even if you do just put a limit on it like lyonsgirl says, give yourself six months and if you miss home too much, then you can come home. It's natural to be anxious, but sometimes in life you need to take that jump, do something a bit scary, because the reward can be amazing. That said, it is a big decision to make and you need to feel comfortable in making it and not pressured in to it because you feel if you don't make it now, your relationship will be over.

ETA: Cross posted with you, I see you're in a trickier situation with your studies/career. I'll be honest, it sounds a little like your mind is made up NOT to move and the focus is now more about how your relationship deals with that, would that be fair to say?

[lyonsgirl]

If you want this, or any relationship, for that matter, to work out, you need to learn to compromise. Do you have to start your internship right now, or can you wait until say, January? Would your family be paying for you to visit? Consider finding a part time job in the meantime.

[conejita_hada]

Moving away from home and change are scary but always give yourself a hope and a back-up plan. Moving there for 6 months and finding out it didn't work out, then having to do your internship over again would suck but it's possible and it may not need to happen if you find out you like your new life in Iowa. A beautiful thing about being so close to family is that they're always there to talk, telephones and the internet (especially Skype) are wonderful things. A second internship in CA might mean living with your parents and getting a part-time job to support yourself. That can be your back up plan. Don't let fear of the unknown get in the way of wonderful opportunities.

[Zephii]

I'm sorry, but I think being scared isn't a good enough reason. I understand it, I know how debilitating it can be (I have an anxiety disorder it can take me a week to muster the courage to make a simple phone call ) but it's simply not reason enough to tip the scale in favour of him moving to you. You know once you do it, it won't be scary any more right? After a couple weeks it won't be new. It's kind of one of those things that yo have to do if you want your life to go any where. You have to walk through the door to see what's on the other side.

And you're not choosing between your SO and your family, you are making a natural progression all kids make when they become adults. They go and make their own lives. You don't stop loving your family and being part of their lives when you move away, it's not like you're never going to see them again. You're still on the same land-mass and everything! That's a very positive thing.

Like Kattermole said, I feel like you've already made up your mind on the issue, really I just want to remind you not to live in fear.

[MorticianBarbie]

It would be fair to say that my mind is made up (for right now). This is all still new to me being that it all just happened a couple weeks ago, all the pain and everything is still new and the pain is still fresh. Like I said, my fears got the best of me (sorry Zephii, haha) There's not enough xanax in this world to help me out right now I was just wondering if anyone has ever been in the same situation and how they handled it

[LadyDaemon]

Well,I will tell you that I had issues in the beginning and just before I moved. As a matter of fact,I got cold feet just before I moved and almost didn't do it. I had this huge fear of moving 1400 miles away from my mom because she had been depending on me for so long that the thought of me leaving,something happening and me not being there when it happened to help my mom freaked me out. It also freaked me out because I knew she was the only one who has been able to handle me on my worst days with my depression,and to know I couldn't just walk down the hallway anymore and get a hug from her or cry on her on those days kinda felt like a fate worse then death to me. There was also a huge fear that I would do this and fall straight on my ass. But,I pushed myself through it and did the damn thing lol. It's taken me a couple of weeks to get adjusted but I don't regret doing this at all and I'm happy that I pushed myself the way I did because if I hadn't I wouldn't be here living my life with the love of my life and I would be in MS still continuing to miss everything. I still keep in contact with my mom via Facebook so she's not gone forever lol.

The only advice I can really give at the end of the day is to just do it. Push yourself even if you think you can't do it because in the end it really is worth it. Your family isn't going away forever or anything,you can still talk to them via Skype,text,phone calls,FB,IMs etc. and you can still make trips back to see them when possible. Everyone has to "leave the nest" so to speak at some point,it's just the natural progression of things. Just remember it's normal to be scared but don't let that stop you from being with your SO if that's what you really want.

[MorticianBarbie]

That's exactly how I feel with my mom. She is literally my best friend. We work 5 mins down the street from each other so we meet for lunch every single day. My anxiety takes my brain to horrible places...like, there will come a day when my parents die and I don't wanna have that "I wish I lived closer and could've spent more time with them" feeling. I know it's ridiculous (I KNOW!) but my anxiety is literally crippling. My SO tells me he'll move here, that he's lived far from his family before, it's not a problem, and that he's better at it than me. I just feel bad cuz I couldn't hold up my end of the bargain. I want to spread my wings and leave the nest, I just don't wanna be so far from them. Three days of driving really put the miles into perspective. Even something in the middle or at least a day's drive away, I could tolerate, but three full days of driving...that freaked me out.

[Dziubka]

There are two things I'd like to say:

1.
I've probably said it a hundred times before and I'm going to say it a hundred times more if I have to.
I don't think it's fair to say "how can you expect him to move, if you're not willing to do the same". I guess most of us know this image and I think it applies for the moving and leaving your family as well. It's different for different people. I've been wanting to live abroad (at least for some time) since I was 14-ish. I love my mum and my brother (and our dog!) but I don't miss them terribly, when I'm away from them. We love each other, but we're all aware that we have our own lives.
I like discovering new places and new people. I also speak a few languages (beside my own), which makes it easier for me to move abroad and make friend there.
My boyfriend has lived in the same city all his life. His English isn't very good (and neither was his German when we met), he had never even felt the need to leave his city and he's very close to his mum. He's also an only child. My mum still has my brother who (like my boyfriend before he met me) can't imagine ever moving away.
I would have accepted it without hesistation if my boyfriend had told me he doesn't ever want to move to my country. I'm very grateful that he wants to and I'm happy we're going to move, but I would have understood it perfectly if he hadn't wanted to. It's just infinitly more difficult for him than it is for me.
There are other things that are easier for him and difficult for me. (Like... getting up a bit earlier in the morning to get us breakfast rolls, for example! He does that!)

If your boyfriend is ok with moving to you and it makes sense for him career/life-development wise, then that's not such a bad plan.

2.
I think your anxiety issues are something you need to work on seperately. I don't know and maybe I'm horrible and weird, but I don't think it's healthy to be too close to your parents. At a certain age (imho!) it's necessary to become independent and lead your own life. There's a quote/saying that parents need to give their children roots to know where their home is and wings to fly away and practise what they've been taught. I have a feeling that somehow more and more parents forget about the second part. It's good to have a good relationship with your parents. My mum is the second person (after my boyfriend, unless I'm with him, then my mum is 1st) I want to call when something important happens. But it's a fact that our parents won't be around forever. Most of the time it's (again imho!) hard to be your own person, when you're too close to your parents. You yourself said that your anxiety was "literally crippling", which is not a good thing at all.
Unrelated to your LDR and a possible move, I think it would be a good idea to work on that.
Good luck.

[Tooki]

How established are you with your career in California? How established is your SO with his career in Iowa?

Is it possible for you to have an extended visit to Iowa to live with him and see how you cope with it?

[Moon]

I understand your fear, but c'mon, you're 25, not a kid anymore. In order for your relationship to continue, and flourish, somebody's gotta move, either that or be LD forever and I don't recommend that route for someone your age. I realize your closeness to your mom, but your parents shouldn't be your primary relationship at this point, you need to try cutting those apron strings and move into your adult life. Is your SO OK with such a long-term LDR? It will not be easy on either of you. If you wait until your 5 year internship is over, that puts you at 30. If you wanted to marry and have children eventually, you're starting to cut it close, your fertility starts dropping rapidly at that point.

You need to think about how important this relationship is to you, and if you think it has the potential to go all the way, then you're going to have to decide who's moving. It's OK to wait awhile before deciding, if you're not sure, and it's OK to not be sure, but that 5 year internship can really throw a wrench into it if you are. Good luck.

[MorticianBarbie]

Dziubka- I agree with both parts of your answer. In terms of my anxiety, I am working on that. It has been a struggle of mine all my life, and while it has limited me more than once, I still keep going. Around the second, third, or fourth try I usually break through. Like I said, right now me moving isn't an option, I think that's mostly because this is still so new to me. The pain, the fear, and already being defeated by it. I'm still licking my wounds.

Tooki - I'm not very established, but CA is very time sensitive in terms of my internship and the always changing laws of my field. To be out of CA and come back would take a lot of jumping through hoops and steps backwards. Going from CA to Iowa has virtually no limitations, I can take my experience and training with me without having to backtrack. An extended visit is going to happen in a few weeks.

Moon- I'm very independent (believe it or not, lol) While all the other women in my family married young and started having kids, I went the other route and went to college and graduated. After 4 years of school, I since put off 6 months that I could have been spending on my internship to plan on moving to him. He didn't go to college and doesn't work in a career that limits him the way mine does, so it would be a lot easier for him to move and find work without having to jump through all the hoops that I would have to do (transferring all of my licenses and renewing them in another state is gonna be very expensive) I'm not saying I want to be my mom's neighbor or anything, but I don't wanna be half way across the country from her.