Oh, dear. What do you guys think of this?

[poursometeayo]

Welp, first of all, I'm new, so, hello! Secondly, I figured maybe this would be a reasonable place to ask about this. Background: Last relationship was LD, and he ended up moving me in with him. Current: To get out of my previous relationship, I ended up moving back in with my parents. There are some income issues and some transportation issues that only serve to further my income issues, so, I can't start saving to move to be with my S/O. We've been talking about it, and he keeps offering to get me down there. I want to say yes, oh god, I do. But the thing is that we'd jump right into living together, and it'd be in a way that I'd also feel under his thumb because of what he's given up financially for me. That seems a lot of stress to place on our relationship. I mentioned this in the hardships thread, as well. I feel like my constant refusal of his help might be negatively affecting "us". I mean, how would you feel if you offered up the help that you needed to get everything both of you have ever wanted and they just turned it down? I don't want him to think that this isn't what I want, because lord knows it is, I just don't want for him to have to be my white knight, at his expense (financially, and emotionally). So, what do you guys think I ought to do?

[Silviar]

Welcome to the forums!

I'm going to answer this in a roundabout way. Given your previous LD experience, I'm guessing it also adds into you feeling somewhat hesitant; and you know what, that's perfectly normal, and it's ok.

I noticed on your tab that you say you haven't met yet. I'm sure you want to meet in person first to see how it goes as well before committing to a move. I think if you're comfortable waiting, and that's what you want, then that's what you want. Just because you move doesn't guarantee you a job, and you want your relationship to be a blessing, not a curse. I think if my SO turned down my offer with a reasonable, adult explanation, I would understand, even if it wasn't easy. Explain to him that your independence in this venture is important. If he can't respect that, then you have a whole other issue going on.

Are you hesitant about him paying for you coming to visit? Because I think that would be an acceptable compromise - the chance to meet and spend time together to see if you work out. Or he can come up there so you can see how it goes.

[Karringtyn]

I dont think you being hesitant is being negative in your relationship..but rather wise...I agree...you should meet and be sure...moving and jumping right into living with someone is HUGE...and you need to think of yourself and be sure that is what you truly want.

Whatever you decide...I wish you much happiness...and be sure to keep us updated...this forum is great for support...we all understand.

[poursometeayo]

Thanks so much guys! I'll keep you all posted on what's up with the decision making, for sure. Honestly, I'm not quite sure why I'm so hesitant, my last live in relationship was great for two years, and we jumped right into it. Hmmm. We'll see!

[MTK]

have you tried explaining to him why you are turning down his offer to help? That way the two of you could come to a better understanding and work something out and it would also ease your worries about it affecting your relationship negatively if he knows your reason for not accepting.
But meeting before moving in together would mayhaps be the best way to go, so you can get a feel for how the everyday life might be and the likes.
Good luck with it.

[JoMarie]

I was on the other end. My last LDR moved in with me. I paid for a lawyer to get custody of his kids, moved them in with us. I mothered them for three years, I gave all three of them everything i had (savings, working two jobs, taking care of the kids) to keep them happy and he cheated on me. Ugh. We jumped right into things and Im glad I took my time with Kevin. My advice would be to take it slow.

[paulawriteslove]

First and foremost, welcome to the forums
I agree with everyone else by saying that you should definitely meet in person before even considering moving together.

[hellojamie]

My only live-in relationship went south really quickly. We weren't distant beforehand, but I think the main problem with it was that we weren't moving in because we were so in love and whatever, we moved in together because he was struggling financially and his moving in with me was the only way he could afford to get through school. Money put such a huge burden on our relationship, and while I can't say that we were meant to be together anyway, money was the catalyst that ended in a rather explosive breakup.

Not saying that that would happen to you, of course. But money is such a huge thing in relationships. If you can get a job where he is fairly quickly, even if it's waitressing or whatever, and you're okay with him supporting you until then, and he really wants to do it so you can be together and because you love each other, go for it. But if money is going to create an imbalance where you feel indebted to him or he resents supporting you, then wait until your financial situation gets better. Just make sure whatever you decide, you do it because you're absolutely ready to take that next step toward being together. If you're squared away on that, then everything else should work itself out.

[poursometeayo]

Again, thank you all for the advice! I was never expecting to see this many people weighing in!
Responses!
@ JoMarie; Holy Moses. You really did a lot for him. While I never had to help with kids, my last LDR was practically with a child. Almost as soon as I moved in, he quit his job (which was only 10 hours a week in the first place), we lived with his mom, I had to clean, I had to cook. I did EVERYTHING, so I know exactly where you're coming from.

@ paulawriteslove; Thank you!

@ hellojamie; Yeah, I mean, honestly, I'd be fine with him supporting me for a little while, as it would be pretty even because I'd be cooking and cleaning, and I help him with his podcast, and everything else, so it wouldn't be as though I'd laze about the house all day, and he knows that. The only thing he was worried about was his roommate, but he and I have since talked and he really likes me. I keep close contact with Ryan's roommate, and his girlfriend, too. They both keep saying things like "Come on, guy. Get her down here! BUY HER THE STUPID TICKET!". Also! I see you're moving to Orlando, FL? I'm (eventually, this situation pending) moving to Clermont, FL, about half an hour west. What a small world!

[Mio]

Try to get it all together, and then you can make more concrete plans for the future.