Wanting to close the distance

[Fabiana10c]

Hi, my name is Fabiana and I currently live in New York. My SO, Giuseppe, lives in Italy and we have been together for five and half years. I am currently finishing my last year of college and plan on continuing my education to receive my Master's in speech therapy. Giuseppe and I have been wanting to close the distance for about a year. One of our biggest obstacles is my mom. My mom hopes I will meet someone else and does not want Giuseppe to move here. He has been nothing but kind to her, however, she is embarrassed that he does not have a great job and speaks little English. It's hard for me to deal with this because I love Giuseppe and I honestly do not see a future without him. It's hard to go forth with a decision no one supports you on. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that I deserve to be happy. As I'm sure most of you understand, its extremely difficult living apart from your significant other. I get angry when I see couples together when I go out because I long to be with him.

Giuseppe came here in March for five weeks and I went there in August for a month. The next time he comes, we want to start the process of having him stay here. I know you can apply for a visa before, however, I have already spoken to my uncle (who is an immigration lawyer), and he told me if Giuseppe and I are ready we can get married in a civil court and then file for his green card. My mom says I'm young to marry and she doesn't believe we would be doing it for the right reasons. Honestly this upsets me because I have suffered for so long that I just want to be happy. Giuseppe is the love of my life and I wish my mom could see past her embarrassment.

I graduate college in May 2014, and this is when Giuseppe is planning on coming for his next visit. We have discussed it plenty of times and we decided that after I graduate we will get married in a civil court. I know the process is expensive and we are ready to make some sacrifices. However, I believe as a couple we have to start somewhere.

I was wondering if anyone has had any similar experiences?

Thanks,
Fabiana

[Yaaamiii]

No similar experiences here, I'm afraid. Are you sure the only reason your mom doesn't want him to be with you is because she's embarrased? I'm assumng you've sat down and talked to her in the past about this. Parents want what's best for their kids, and I'm assuming this is what she believes is best. However, if you are old enough, if you feel like you're ready for the commitment that marriage is, and if you are financially able to do so, I can understand seeing this as your only way out. Your mom can only stop you so much before you make your own choices, ya know?

[differentcountries]

You are both old enough to agree to disagree Hope you have others supporting your relationship. I see her point about the language, though, but I guess once he relocates he will take language classes?

[Zephii]

You deserve to be happy

[Riyko]

If you want to go the marriage route next year, apply for a fiance visa before he comes, get married and then apply for the spousal visa Good luck and i agree with talk to your mom to find out exactly why she doesn't like him, there might be more to the story then she's saying

[Fabiana10c]

No similar experiences here, I'm afraid. Are you sure the only reason your mom doesn't want him to be with you is because she's embarrased? I'm assumng you've sat down and talked to her in the past about this. Parents want what's best for their kids, and I'm assuming this is what she believes is best. However, if you are old enough, if you feel like you're ready for the commitment that marriage is, and if you are financially able to do so, I can understand seeing this as your only way out. Your mom can only stop you so much before you make your own choices, ya know?

Thanks for the advice! I have spoken to my mom in the past and I even asked her to give me a legitimate reason as to why she disapproves of our relationship. Her answer: "He is not tall enough" I mean come on! That is not a valid reason for not liking someone! I honestly believe she is just plain embarrassed by him. My mom was raised with a very old Italian mentality where money and status means more than happiness. So this is why I believe she is so embarrassed because I will have a college degree and he will be considered an "immigrant". I honestly deserve to be happy but it sometimes is hard when my mom doesn't support it. Thanks again for the advice

[Fabiana10c]

You deserve to be happy

Thank you I believe I do as well

[Fabiana10c]

You are both old enough to agree to disagree Hope you have others supporting your relationship. I see her point about the language, though, but I guess once he relocates he will take language classes?

Yes, everyone supports our relationship but my mom. This is what makes it so difficult for me because we may disagree but she is still my mom and I just want her to be happy for me. I also agree about the language. Once he moves here the first thing we want to do is sign him up for English courses. I'm aware it will be frustrating and difficult at times, but this is what life is made of. A goal never comes easy without obstacles.

[Fabiana10c]

If you want to go the marriage route next year, apply for a fiance visa before he comes, get married and then apply for the spousal visa Good luck and i agree with talk to your mom to find out exactly why she doesn't like him, there might be more to the story then she's saying

Thanks for the advice! Like I mentioned to another user, I have spoken to my mom in the past and have asked her what exactly is the real reason she does not like my boyfriend and she has answered "He's too short". Seriously, I think she doesn't even know why she dislikes him, and that is why she comes up with these crazy comments. She has been concerned the majority of her life with what people think and say about her and our family so I'm positive that this is the reason.

[emsimes]

Hey Fabiana!
I'm sorry to hear that your mom still isn't accepting of your relationship
I can't remember if you've said this before, but has she met your SO before? If not, maybe that would change her mind once she sees how happy you guys are together
You definitely deserve to be happy though! It's so hard when our parents don't approve of certain aspects in our lives, but I think in the end, we have to do what makes us happy, too! Maybe your mom might not be happy about it at first, but I think if you guys show her how happy and committed you guys are, she'll come around

[Ocelotbren]

Giuseppe came here in March for five weeks and I went there in August for a month. The next time he comes, we want to start the process of having him stay here. I know you can apply for a visa before, however, I have already spoken to my uncle (who is an immigration lawyer), and he told me if Giuseppe and I are ready we can get married in a civil court and then file for his green card. My mom says I'm young to marry and she doesn't believe we would be doing it for the right reasons. Honestly this upsets me because I have suffered for so long that I just want to be happy. Giuseppe is the love of my life and I wish my mom could see past her embarrassment.

Hi Fabiana. That's great that your uncle is an immigration lawyer. I moved to the US from Canada on a fiancé visa in January so I know the difficulty of immigrating and also what's involved. The one thing that worried me about what you said is that you are potentially planning to have Giuseppe come to the US, marry during his visit and apply for a green card from there. Given that your uncle is an immigration lawyer, I'm sure he knows a lot more than me about it, but doing things the way you described can be considered visa fraud, from the many things I have read on the topic. In other words, he enters the country on a tourist visa (intended to be temporary), with the intention of marrying you and staying there permanently. Therefore falsely representing his intentions.

If this were not an issue, I would have been able to come to the US on a visit and marry my husband and apply for a green card without using the fiancé visa at all. Once we realized that this is visa fraud and can cause you to be deported from the US, we researched other options instead (namely the fiancé visa or the spousal visa).

Basically, the only way that I know of that you can do what you mentioned, is if you can prove that he visited the US with every intention of returning home (ex. just a vacation), but met you while there and you guys suddenly decided to get married.

If this is not the case (again, I trust the immigration lawyer knows a thing or two ), then I wish you guys all the best. I just felt the need to mention visa fraud to you in case it does end up preventing an ugly immigration situation for you guys. Hope everything works out.

-Bren

[Yaaamiii]

Thanks for the advice! I have spoken to my mom in the past and I even asked her to give me a legitimate reason as to why she disapproves of our relationship. Her answer: "He is not tall enough" I mean come on! That is not a valid reason for not liking someone! I honestly believe she is just plain embarrassed by him. My mom was raised with a very old Italian mentality where money and status means more than happiness. So this is why I believe she is so embarrassed because I will have a college degree and he will be considered an "immigrant". I honestly deserve to be happy but it sometimes is hard when my mom doesn't support it. Thanks again for the advice

I can understand that. To be honest I don't think my mom was super thrilled that my SO was short (5'4") but I think that has to do with our society strongly preferring taller men over shorter ones. I love my SO very deeply though, I wouldn't change his height even if I could. I can also see wanting your moms support. I know you probably want her to support you cuz like you said, she's your mom and you want her to back you up. Maybe some day she'll come to terms with it and support you, but till then (if it happens), if you truly feel this is right, then go for it .

[Thendsnotnear]

I kind of am in the same situation and I understand how hard it is not to get support from your family. However, despite what they say I just keep following my heart and that's what you should just do. It's our choises, not theirs. My SO and I are also thinking about getting married and then hopefully I can move there (he's in the US, I'm in Italy). Good luck!

[paulam]

Fabiana, my parents are also Italian, and my mother was so much like yours! You are much younger than I am, and I know how you feel. You love your mother and want peace, but you don't want to let go of your love. I would never turn love away, and your mother will have to come around on her own. You are permitted to live your life and make mistakes. She will come around. In the meantime, I would lovingly and quietly pursue my dreams of school and love. He will undoubtedly learn the American ways and language. There are so many immigrants in our country! If you can be strong and stand your ground without her approval, she will have to come around.