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    #1

    Needing/wanting a plan...

    My BF and I have been officially dating a little over a year long distance and friends for almost a year before that. Although I knew I pretty much already loved him, I allowed him completely in my heart when he said he was planning on moving back to CA. Fast forward to Dec from Aug 2012 when we became official. He changes his mind about moving here. I then decide I'll try to move there...needless to say the move away stuff with my ex and the courts was too much for us. We broke up for a few months. He started trying to talk to me again and I told him I couldn't be friends with him and would not get back with him unless he was planning on moving back here. He said he was and I went to see him after not seeing him for 6 months. He said 100% he was moving back here and we had a plan and a month in mind. Then his mentally ill ex moved back to CA and is wreaking havoc on her family. He then tells me he doesn't want to move back here until she gets help because he is afraid of what sh would do to him me and the kids. Restraining orders are honored in every state from other states and I told him that. He said it doesn't mean never but he says he can't give me an exact date. Just to add, he is really good to me and my kids and we are best friends. I love him more than any man I have ever been with...it's a love I've never felt and I know he feels the same way. I am having a difficult time not having a plan and sometimes feel he is making excuses and may never move here. Any thoughts or advice??










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    #2
    It sounds unfair to expect him to do something you can't do. You can't move to him because of the ex and courts. He is afraid to move to you because of the ex and courts. How old are the children involved? How long would it be before the situation resolved itself? Could you possibly stay in a LDR with him and try to work things out over time? Many here have spent years in a LDR waiting for the right one. If is the love you've never felt before, he should be worth waiting for CD and enjoy LDR in the meantime. If he said he NEVER wanted to move to you, it'd be different.

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      #3
      He has sole and primary custody of his kids...his ex relinquished all rights in divorce court. His primary concern is all of our safety if she finds out he's back here and living with someone else. She hasn't been officially diagnosed but IMO she sounds schizophrenic. He can transfer his job, he still owns a home here. My kids are 7 and 10...his are 6 and 4. We all are involved with each other. The kids talk to each other and send letters to each other. My kids love him and his kids love me. I have friends who tell me I need to tell him to make a date or I'll break up with him. I do get frustrated and feel like he's making excuses sometimes...but like you said he didn't say never, he just said he can't say when for sure. The original plan was August 2014. I feel I shouldn't get so frustrated, but I am. He is my soul mate and he says I am his. Oh, and his ex was in court the other day (finally) and they may take her to into custody. If that happens then maybe she can get the mental health treatment she needs to make him feel safer about coming back
      Last edited by JannaRN99; December 30, 2013, 08:35 PM.

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        #4
        Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like he's doing the best he can under the circumstances. Sometimes our friends that aren't in LDR's don't have a clue. I'm not much on an ultimatum, unless I was darn sure. Try to see it from his perspective. Of course, I don't know all the details, but my gut says to give it some time. My SO and I don't have a date for closing the distance, either, but I'll wait for him. I'm enjoying building a good foundation while we are LD. We are trying to make the best of the time apart. He is good to me, and we do all we can to keep connected.

        As long as you can tell he loves you and you love him, give him time. But, I sure would respectfully talk with him about how you miss him and need to know that you will definitely close the distance. Don't nag or get emotional.

        Sometimes the fastest road isn't the road we're meant to take.

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          #5
          He can't be afraid of his mentally ill ex-wife forever. Has she specifically threatened him and the children?


          When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

          True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words

          When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart.

          1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 194 countries, 50 states and 10 provinces...and I had the privilege to meet you.

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            #6
            Completely agree with everything you've said. I hate feeling/sounding needy. I really don't like the ultimatum idea either...my friends all have their BF's and DH's nearby. They don't know how it is. My marriage was a nightmare and this man is amazing to me and my children. He really is doing his best. I need to chill but I'm having a difficult time with it for some reason the last few months.

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              #7
              I do think he needs to figure out how to deal with the fear of her. He has restraining and protective orders against her. He does have reasons to fear her to a point. She is worse than she was a year ago so he does have valid fears.

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                #8
                I understand how you feel on wanting to have a date in mind. I am a huge planner and hate just having things be up in the air. It does sound like your SO is doing what he can and I think it is awesome that he has taken on the responsibility of solely raising two children on his own! I know many men would not want to do that. I am sure that he will do all in his power to move out there as soon as possible.
                Our love story:
                Attended the same high school 2004-2007
                Dated CD: June 2009-July 2010
                Reconnected: August 2012
                Began dating LD: November 2012
                Engaged! March 2014
                Closing the distance: December 2015

                Comment

                  #9
                  Half a year sounds too soon if he has all this to deal with. How about looking at stepping stones instead of the actual move? How soon can you get done a, B,c and d? And when the stones are layed out, you can move.
                  I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                  - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                  "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                    Half a year sounds too soon if he has all this to deal with. How about looking at stepping stones instead of the actual move? How soon can you get done a, B,c and d? And when the stones are layed out, you can move.
                    I love the idea of stepping stones! Wish I could apply that thought to all areas of my life!

                    Comment

                      #11
                      JannaRN99 - let me go back and say, I DO totally emphathize with this. I am a planner and though we've only been together 8 months, we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We have our own roadblocks to this and it did come to a head over the weekend. I think with New Year's and wanting to start fresh, wanting to make plans to be together, etc., all the negatives came out. We finally had to sit down and talk about our fears and I had to learn to let my control go. When I am fearful, I get controlling.

                      We are meant to be together and it will happen on its on time. I have to trust in the process, but also keep my eyes open to opportunities to make it happen sooner as opposed to forcing things to happen sooner. The same is true of you two.


                      When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

                      True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words

                      When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart.

                      1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 194 countries, 50 states and 10 provinces...and I had the privilege to meet you.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        I know we were made for each other...there is a reason we met when we did and that we were friends for 8 months before we said I love you. I just want him with me SO bad! We have been through so much and I worry that when I get scared and depressed it will push him away. I have to stop questioning him about moving here or he will pull away.
                        Thank you everyone for your encouraging words!!

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