Too bold of a decision? (closing the distance)

[cynnalynn]

So to start, I very much want to close the distance between myself and my SO. We've been together for over a year, an ldr since the beginning, and haven't seen each other in 5 months. The lack of visits has been hurting my SO terribly. But I just don't have the money to afford a round trip from here (Massachusetts) to Florida. I do, however, have just enough to afford a one-way ticket. He still lives with his parents (He's 20) but his mom has agreed it's okay for me to live with them. The issue though is my own parents, specifically my mother. Even though I'm technically old enough to be on my own (I'm 19), she refuses to let me leave. She doesn't know I'm in an ldr, I tried bringing it up but she wouldn't listen. So I'm not sure what to do. I've made a plan to just leave without her knowing. I'd basically be sneaking away but I don't know if this is a very bold decision or not. :/ Seeing my SO depressed because he misses me hurts, it also causes fights between us. And I honestly just want to be there for him.

[lyonsgirl]

If I were you, I wouldn't do that.

She is your mom, and sorry, but family trumps boyfriends/girlfriends, IMO. Why doesn't she want you to leave? Are you attending classes/working where you are now? Have you started looking for a job/university in FL?

What if - worst case scenario here - you did sneak out, and moved in with your SO's family, but then you two broke up? Do you really think your mom would be happy to let you move back in after you basically ran away from home? To be with a boy, no less. A boy she has no idea you're dating. You need to have a talk with your mom and tell her about him.

Side note, if you can't afford a round trip ticket, I'm guessing you can't afford to live on your own. Which I highly recommend being able to do before you even consider moving out of your parents' house.

[TwoThree]

So you've been together for a year, and you haven't seen him in five months, so... How many times did you see him in the flesh? Once? Twice? Either way, I don't think your relationship is old enough to sustain the pressure of a move if you are going to live with his parents. Do you go to school? Do you have plans to go to school? Doesn't sound like you have a job right now, since you can't afford a visit, so what if you can't find a job down in Florida? Will you depend financially on him? That can seriously damage a relationship.

It's just too big a risk.

[jana89]

I would absolutely not recommend you to leave without your mum knowing. I´m quite positive you would regret that sooner or later. It could pretty much damage the relationship between two of you and I´m sure you want your mum in your life in future, so, please, don´t do this for your own sake. Also, let me say that missing someone is not good enough reason for moving, especially to another state. I agree with others saying you should be first financially independent (at least), before you do that. Sorry to sound bit harsh maybe ... we all want our happily ever after, but to rush into things without thinking it over and thinking about consequences might be just silly.

[cynnalynn]

Aye, think you two are right. I have been accepted to a college down in Florida but it doesn't offer housing so would have to stay with someone anyways if I were to go. For jobs, I've been doing miscellaneous part-time jobs but currently don't have any, which is why I lack money. To Iyonsgirl, I wish it was easy to talk to her. Me and her never seen eye to eye (and not just out of teenage spite). Every time I try to bring up any conversation, not just about a relationship, she gives an excuse as to why she can't listen right now. And trust me, I've tried different times where it'd seem okay to talk. But I do agree, it probably is risky. I just don't know what to do for my SO. Yes, we've only been in person a few times but was a few weeks at a time. Probably still not enough to justify, but it seems to affect my SO significantly.

[OperaDiva]

I would absolutely not recommend you to leave without your mum knowing. I´m quite positive you would regret that sooner or later. It could pretty much damage the relationship between two of you and I´m sure you want your mum in your life in future, so, please, don´t do this for your own sake. Also, let me say that missing someone is not good enough reason for moving, especially to another state. I agree with others saying you should be first financially independent (at least), before you do that. Sorry to sound bit harsh maybe ... we all want our happily ever after, but to rush into things without thinking it over and thinking about consequences might be just silly.

I am absolutely with Jana on this one. If you find it hard to talk to your mum about stuff (as I find sometimes with my dad), just take a deep breath, look her in the eye and say "Mom, I have a boyfriend. His name is ... and he lives in Florida.". I know it doesnt cover everything, but it's a start. Then you can talk about your plans to go there for college, etc.

[cynnalynn]

Sigh, wish things were easier but thank you all for insight. A slap with reality was what I was looking for. And thank you Operadiva, I'll keep trying.

[differentcountries]

Can your bf visit more often?

[Zephii]

For what it's worth, I ran away from home to be with a guy at 15 and it didn't destroy my relationship with my mother. Well, after the first six months anyway It would have panned out for the best if he hadn't been a violent manipulative pedophile. Honestly, it doesn't sound much like you have a relationship with your mum anyway. But you have to try, so that at least you know you put your all into it and the blame isn't on you. Write her a letter. Say to her "I know you're always too busy to talk, but I hope you can find a chance to read this some time." Write to her everything, about being accepted into the school, about dating this guy, about feeling like it might be time to move out. And then give her the chance to come to you.

Then work on your savings. Make sure you have a secret (ie don't tell your boyfriend.) stash of money so you can get out of there if his mum makes your life hell or if he turns out to be a psychopath. Yes yes, I know you trust him and you feel you know him and that he isn't one. That's great. But when you take a risk like this you need to be smart and have the money to bail yourself out if it is all a big mistake.

If you still can't have a conversation with your mum by the time you have the money (and hopefully a job lined up in Florida) then go. But don't run away when you could be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.