Bad experiences with closing the distance.

[TexastoFinland]

I am writing to see if anybody out there moved to another country for an SO and then it turned out badly. I think there is a lot of feel good things but nobody hears of the shit that some people have to go through shortly after closing the distance.

SO imagine you get the fiance visa, sell your house, car, and belongings, move for your SO, and then you have culture shock. Not only is it difficult living in a foreign country, then to be dumped shortly after. My ex-SO dumped me two months after me moving there. He told me to get out of his place and go back to where I came from!! What a gas!! I couldn't believe it!! I am lucky I had a job and I stayed at a colleagues place and my boos found me a teacher flat. The American Embassy didn't even help me!!

I spent MANY nights crying in Finland when I moved there because I felt alone. My ex never felt one iota of sympathy for me. My mother told me when I moved to Finland for the guy I originally moved there for, "he won't move because he thinks you aren't special enough to move for but seems like you see him in a different way." Turns out, she was right. After 2 months of me moving there, giving up everything, he kicked me out of his place. Imagine what you would do. You gave it ALL up for love and then shortly after he throws you to the curb?

I'm really careful now in deciding what I want to do with my current SO whom I left in Finland to pursue my dreams, the ones I left here in the US for the ex, It is hard to trust again. I guess I am saying this because I want all of you to be aware than even if the guy is older, even if you ate for two years (we dated LD 2 years) and even if everyone seems immature from afar it isnt always a happy ending, this closing the distance.

[Ejoriah]

The reason I moved to the United States in the first place was for a man (a boy really) I met online. We closed the distance without seeing each other first. It lasted about a year and a half, but it just wasn't working out. Too many issues, including maturity levels and changing a lot as individuals during this time. I don't regret any of it, but I am lucky this ended as well as it did for me.

[squeeker]

Ahh I can't imagine, that would have sucked! Your ex was such an awful person for doing that to you. I'm glad you have found someone better now. And now can take it more easy and careful.. that you have found someone who cares and loves you as much as you care for and love them. I hope you will be able to trust again with your current SO, and I hope he is worth your trust and love!! I'm sure he is since you have learned from your past experience what to look out for probably.

I don't think my SO would do that. We've been together for 3+ years and known each other for 4+ years and we talk all the time and have visited a few times and it would be totally out of character for him to throw me out of the house if we lived together..

But then again, for anybody, these things can happen randomly and I won't talk like I'm immune. I think it's just a good idea to have maybe extra money, a backup plan, at least for the first few months of living together, and that could vary depending on how long you are together and how much time you have lived together in the past/on visits maybe? It's good you had a job at least, though I don't envy your situation.

[differentcountries]

Yes, that is a thought ; what if one closes the distance and does not get along close distance? It is a lot of responsability for the one having someone move there, too. I suppose a back up plan is good for everyone involved, with money for return ticket and all.

[OperaDiva]

First of all (and I hope I am saying this gently enough) I think part of the problem for you is projecting what happened in your last relationship onto your current one. Believe me I understand how horrible it must have been for you, but if you are going to close the distance it has to be about your current SO and you. It is not about anybody "proving" anything, it is about two people wanting to be together in the best way for both of them. Second, (and I might be a bit biased because I live in Finland right now) there are a lot of pros about this place that I think you should consider. Yes, it is cold here, but Finland's social security system is one of the best, so if you are thinking of starting a family it might be easier to do it here in terms of maternity leave, etc. Ultimately the decision is yours of course, but I think you should make it with mindfulness to the present and future

[Dezface]

There is *always* the possibility a relationship won't work out. Of course there are more risks when long distance is involved. This is why most of us on this forum try to tell people to take it slow, be realistic, etc.. But even if you follow all the conventional wisdom, break-ups can happen.

I'm sorry this happened to you, it must have been awful. I hope you'll find the ability to trust again.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience with closing the distance previously! I know there have been others on this forum who have ended things with their SO after closing the distance.

I think that any relationship has a chance of ending, LD or CD. There is only so much you can do to prepare and take precautions prior to closing the distance and it is always good to have a back-up plan in case things do not work out. I am glad that you were able to find a place to stay and keep your job there after things ended. I think that in an LDR, we have to think things through more thoroughly than in CD relationships and this is why you should really know someone before trying to close the distance, not saying that you didn't. Taking things slow and being realistic is the best approach but you have to go with your gut and what your heart tells you. Yes, be cautious but not so cautious that you miss out on life.

[piratemama]

I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience with closing the distance previously! I know there have been others on this forum who have ended things with their SO after closing the distance.

I think that any relationship has a chance of ending, LD or CD. There is only so much you can do to prepare and take precautions prior to closing the distance and it is always good to have a back-up plan in case things do not work out. I am glad that you were able to find a place to stay and keep your job there after things ended. I think that in an LDR, we have to think things through more thoroughly than in CD relationships and this is why you should really know someone before trying to close the distance, not saying that you didn't. Taking things slow and being realistic is the best approach but you have to go with your gut and what your heart tells you. Yes, be cautious but not so cautious that you miss out on life.

I definitely agree with this, esp. the part about having a back-up plan. You can't let a bad, nasty experience keep you from loving someone else, but you would need to plan for the what-ifs. To me, that is wise in any relationship. I'm suffering now from not having such a plan in my first marriage. I'd give anything if I'd had some money saved back. I always thought my friends would be there, but I've discovered that doesn't always work. Many folks are only good at saying they are sorry, not doing anything about it.

[Hollandia]

I definitely agree with this, esp. the part about having a back-up plan. You can't let a bad, nasty experience keep you from loving someone else, but you would need to plan for the what-ifs. To me, that is wise in any relationship. I'm suffering now from not having such a plan in my first marriage. I'd give anything if I'd had some money saved back. I always thought my friends would be there, but I've discovered that doesn't always work. Many folks are only good at saying they are sorry, not doing anything about it.

I learned this the hard way. After years of helping out any family member or friend that needed help I was left to twist in the wind when my time for need came. I totally agree.

[BagOfPenguins]

Actually, I have been thinking about that the other day. In my case it's different because we started out as CD and are LD only temporarily, but I do know a lot of people who moved somewhere for their SO, be it a different country or "just" a different city and are no longer together with that person. I think someone already said it before already, all relationships have a potential to fail at some point or another (or many more). But the difference between LD and CD is the risk you take, and you should never do that without considering what would happen if it won't work out.

[differentcountries]

In my case, my so cant get her nu marriage, which also means he must have something going for himself, hopefully education and job. That way he could stay or go regardless of me and my husband.

[TexastoFinland]

First of all (and I hope I am saying this gently enough) I think part of the problem for you is projecting what happened in your last relationship onto your current one. Believe me I understand how horrible it must have been for you, but if you are going to close the distance it has to be about your current SO and you. It is not about anybody "proving" anything, it is about two people wanting to be together in the best way for both of them. Second, (and I might be a bit biased because I live in Finland right now) there are a lot of pros about this place that I think you should consider. Yes, it is cold here, but Finland's social security system is one of the best, so if you are thinking of starting a family it might be easier to do it here in terms of maternity leave, etc. Ultimately the decision is yours of course, but I think you should make it with mindfulness to the present and future

Hello diva,

Thank you for your advice. I actually like Texas and I think it is a good place to raise a family. I have a good job, stable with benefits including free healthcare and daycare. I want the chance to do it here this time, I dont think there is anything wrong with that. Anybody woe experience like that is wise to be careful when doing anything like that again, it's only human nature and naive to think it wont happen again just because you are in love. Texas is one of the great places tor children and we have the best state for education (Im a teachers so I know). I can go on and on. The bottom line is its the weather there I cannot live in. I know FInns can relate to hating the cold and darkness and wanting to live in the sun!!

[TexastoFinland]

I definitely agree with this, esp. the part about having a back-up plan. You can't let a bad, nasty experience keep you from loving someone else, but you would need to plan for the what-ifs. To me, that is wise in any relationship. I'm suffering now from not having such a plan in my first marriage. I'd give anything if I'd had some money saved back. I always thought my friends would be there, but I've discovered that doesn't always work. Many folks are only good at saying they are sorry, not doing anything about it.

I am lucky I had money but no matter how many plans you have:B,C,D etc. It is still going to sting. No matter what all of you say, I am sure all of you would feel the same way even if you had the backup. I didnt need the Finnish social security system, I just needed a place to say (which I shouldn't have because he took me there and he had a duty to help me find a new place but he didn't). I wanted to find a place to gather my thought as to what I was going to do since something so unexpected happened! I am a level headed woman. I never make choices that aren't sound or without a backup plan. I just want all of you who are thinking about moving to plan the alternative and have a ticket back home if needed.

But really, when I came back here this time, I realized it sucks to start over..but imagine if you had to start over twice within two months? I had to get a car, a job, insurance. Im a teacher so schools arent hiring so much mid year. Really love wasnt blind but I wanted so hard for it to work out and have faith in someone.

[TwoThree]

That's a horrible thing to happen to someone. Unfortunately it's not as uncommon as one might think. Pretty sure it's happened to a couple of members of this forum, in the past.

Anyway, it's important to have a plan B. As far as I'm concerned, of course I can't even imagine it happening. But I trust my SO to be decent enough, in case things don't work out, to let me stay with him until I can find something. If I didn't trust him to do that I doubt I would ever move. And anyway, since we're married and it would be a divorce I'm entitled to some of his money

Mostly I'll make sure not to cut all kinds of ties back home so that if I have to go back I won't be homeless and broke.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I was in a relationship with a French guy that I met on my study abroad program between my junior and senior years of college when I joined this forum. To make a very, very long story short, he was deeply emotionally abusive, even from the beginning, and most likely has a personality disorder. I naively thought things would get better once we were together in Paris, after a year and a half together. They didn't.

He sexually assaulted me after an argument, and I packed up all of my belongings and left while he was at work the next day because I was afraid of what would happen if he saw me leave. I was so lucky I had a friend with an empty couch for the week and a half I was functionally homeless. I ended up with a scam artist landlord because of my desperate situation, and had my entire security deposit stolen. My life was an utter mess for a while. This is why I am ETERNALLY grateful that I did not just move to Paris for my SO.

Obviously, things don't usually turn out as dire as they did for me, and I'm not trying for scare tactics here, but I am a big, big proponent of always having a back-up plan, and doing a lot of cold, hard, objective thinking before moving in with/marrying/entering into some sort of legal commitment with someone.