My SO wants me to move to Chicago when I'm done with school.

[bribri2729]

Me and my SO have been having on and off conversations about our future together and closing the distance. I've talked about him moving here since he'll be done with school in a few months and all he will be doing is working. However he got annoyed with me because I assumed he would move there. But at the same time he never spoke up about not wanting to move where I am until yesterday. He does not want to move to where I am because he doesn't want to leave his family, friends, or his job. I understand why he doesn't want to, but I told him I would move to where he is when I'm done with school, and can find a job even though I'm leaving my family and friends as well. We are both really family oriented. I want to move there because I've been living in my hometown since I was born and I'm ready to start a new journey and be with him in person. I feel like he's not being very fair, or am I wrong?

[Kitten_mittens]

IMO he should move to you till you finish and then you both move to his hometown. Seems like the most reasonable/fair option. But I can imagine it might be really hard for him to do that.. this is probably the WORST part of a LDR and honestly one thing I'm glad I don't have to deal with since mine came to a burning crash.. Maybe just talk to him about it more and see how he feels and express how you feel. All you can do is just talk to him about it and express your concerns and feelings. Sorry I don't have any better advice.

[bribri2729]

That's the thing we talked about it and he doesn't want to leave his friends because he hangs out with them 4-5 times a week, I have friends and love hanging out with them too but I'm more of a homebody. I don't get it my sister is in a ldr as well and her so is moving here even though he has to leave everything behind and he is a family man too. So why won't my so move here for me?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Me and my SO have been having on and off conversations about our future together and closing the distance. I've talked about him moving here since he'll be done with school in a few months and all he will be doing is working. However he got annoyed with me because I assumed he would move there. But at the same time he never spoke up about not wanting to move where I am until yesterday. He does not want to move to where I am because he doesn't want to leave his family, friends, or his job. I understand why he doesn't want to, but I told him I would move to where he is when I'm done with school, and can find a job even though I'm leaving my family and friends as well. We are both really family oriented. I want to move there because I've been living in my hometown since I was born and I'm ready to start a new journey and be with him in person. I feel like he's not being very fair, or am I wrong?

Really, I don't understand your feeling that he's being unfair. You said you want to move where he is after school, which is what he wants, right? So why did you assume that he would move where you are, just because he will be finished with school in a few months, and just working? Has he said he would be happy dropping everything, quitting his job, and moving? Or would it be better to stay as you are, in your LDR, until you are finished with school, and can move where he is, while he continues to work for your future together?

One or the other of you will have to move to be together. That is the point of closing the distance. Families will adjust, either way. And you are not so far away that visits can't happen once in a while.

You know, you are really pretty lucky. You have very doable choices and options, all leading to a good future with him, with a minimum of upheaval. Many of us, who have been in the LDR longer than you, have more difficult, and more expensive options, and it might be even longer to closing the distance. You don't have the expense and hassle of passports, visas, and long, expensive International flights, to say nothing of the red tape and moving expenses involved in closing the distance between International borders, and the heartbreak of leaving families behind, not knowing when you will ever see them again.

Don't misunderstand me, I understand you are having a hard time, and I'm not trying to jump all over you. But, keep it in perspective, and work with your SO in finding a good solution, or an acceptable compromise. If it means you have to stay LD a while longer, while you finish your education, look at it as you, together, are working toward a happy and successful future together in the same location.

I wish you both much happiness.

[bribri2729]

He didn't tell me he would drop everything and move here. He said he doesn't want to move here because of his family and friends and he likes it in Chicago better than Portland. You are right there are people in LDR's in much more difficult situations than me. I am pretty lucky. Thanks I needed to hear this.

[nottheprincesspeach]

He didn't tell me he would drop everything and move here. He said he doesn't want to move here because of his family and friends and he likes it in Chicago better than Portland. You are right there are people in LDR's in much more difficult situations than me. I am pretty lucky. Thanks I needed to hear this.

Someone always has to move and sacrifice things to close the distance. I will be the one having to move due to his work situation. I will be leaving my family and friends, and he will be gaining his, but that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I don't feel cheated and would never ask him to move here. Don't compare to your sister or anyone else, look at your situation and see what you need to do to make it work. If you don't feel it is worth it then maybe you should give it up. Don't do something if you'll resent him for it later. You did say you want to move from your hometown and have a new journey. If that's the case then do it. Don't hold it against him though if you decide that that is what you want.

[MissButterfly]

You know, you are really pretty lucky. You have very doable choices and options, all leading to a good future with him, with a minimum of upheaval. Many of us, who have been in the LDR longer than you, have more difficult, and more expensive options, and it might be even longer to closing the distance. You don't have the expense and hassle of passports, visas, and long, expensive International flights, to say nothing of the red tape and moving expenses involved in closing the distance between International borders, and the heartbreak of leaving families behind, not knowing when you will ever see them again.

How was this in any way helpful or necessary? It really annoys me so much when people do that, it's very rude.

To bribri: Like nottheprincesspeach already said, one of the two will always have to make more sacrifices, unless you both move away from your family and live in the middle, but that's usually silly. I understand that you may feel like he's not being fair because he just expects you to come there, but since it seems like you haven't really both sat down before and talked about the options, you might have taken things for granted that weren't actually said. The only thing you can do now, is really think to yourself what YOU want for you and your SO, get all the options straight, and go through them with him. Even if you're already set on you moving to him when you're done, what you are feeling needs to be discussed. I hope you can figure out a plan that works for both of you, and that you feel like it's both of your decision, not just you putting in the effort. Good luck!

[differentcountries]

Life in itself is not fair. Bridging two family-oriented people is not easy. Forget what you talked about before, consentrate on your current situation. You live quite some miles apart. You both want to have lots of contact with your families. You both want to make sure you can take care of work/school.

EVERYBODY gets annoys when someone assumes things.

If you leave school in just a few months, why bother changing things until then? It will be uprooting him just to have him put right back soon after. I see no point in this. If you truely feel you are ok moving to his place, do so. If you are not, you can move somewhere else.

And those people coming with same old "You are so lucky..." :

YES; we are all lucy to have food, shelter, internet.

NO; None of us are lucky because we want most of all to be near our dear ones and that is not always so easy. Don't compare distance or hardships, that is not a nice road to go down.

[bribri2729]

We can't sit down face to face and talk about it yet because of our financial situations.

[iamj]

My partner and I have been having the same conversation for months now when I finish school. You could have it over video chat?

Instead of focusing on the fairness, I'd try to keep in mind why you're having the conversation -- because you want to share each other's company again!

[Heavenly_Love12]

I'm a bit confused; did you and your SO previously agree that you would move to him once you were finished with school? I think that if that is the case, that you shouldn't be upset that he does not want to move even though he'll be done with school soon. He had a set plan in his mind and it would all change if he were to decide to move now. You also have to keep happiness in mind; you said that he does not like where you live and loves where he lives and that you enjoy that city too so I believe that it would be a bigger sacrifice for him to move since it wasn't a set plan and he does not like where you live. I understand that the distance is difficult and you want to end it as soon as you can but it is worth it to endure it for a longer period of time in order to have long term happiness.