What does he even mean???

[ncm5026]

Hello all!

So I have been with my SO for a little less than 2 years now. He finishes college at the end of June. We've talked vaguely about the future but we just had a discussion recently that has me wondering. He says that he wants to move in eventually and have a future but can't make any promises. He says he wants to get his life together, get a job, and stuff before anything happens. He says that he needs to do a 'set list of things' before he thinks about getting married. I'm not sure what to make of this? I'm 24, he's 21. I guess I just wish he could give me less 'wishy-washy' answers. HELP!

[TwoThree]

I think he means exactly what he told you. Why do you think his answers are "wishy-washy"? They sound perfectly reasonable to me. He is 21, about to graduate college, so of course he'll want to get a job, getting established in his career, maybe get his own place. What else do you want him to do?

If you mean that you would want him to do all those things in your hometown, then this is a conversation you definitely have to have with him. Otherwise... no confusion here.

[ncm5026]

Thanks for the response. I think I had different expectations but it's not all about me either. As long as he can say he sees a future and wants a future for us in the long term - I should be happy with that.

[rhabdoviridae]

As long as he can say he sees a future and wants a future for us in the long term - I should be happy with that.

Well, yes and no.

Moving forward, it's important that he sees/wants a future with you and if he's having second thoughts that he let you know immediately. On the other hand, it's not unreasonable for you to have at least a vague timeline in mind. It's extremely important that you communicate your own needs, wants and expectations, especially since not being on the same page has now burned you once. If he continues to evade you with talk about "can't make any promises"...you need to have a more in-depth discussion about your expectations moving forward.

Being that he's only 21 and just graduating, I don't think it's unreasonable at all for him to want to establish his new life. What I find puzzling is that presumably once gradated, he'll be looking for work and it would seem to me that a search at least in your general area would be on his list. Not wanting to move in together right away seems fair enough, but if he isn't at least considering moving to your area (or to an area where you could also find work/friends)...that's a bit of a red flag to me. As for the "set list of things", what are those things? Why can't he undertake some/any of them with you?

[snow]

Thanks for the response. I think I had different expectations but it's not all about me either. As long as he can say he sees a future and wants a future for us in the long term - I should be happy with that.

He wants to get his life together, get a job and do a "set list of things", you had other expectations - now you have to talk and get on one page. Maybe he didn't even think about doing all these things in your home-town, maybe he is even open to do these there, but you gotta talk about it and find out.

[differentcountries]

It is very responsable to get a job before moving in together and getting married. Even if you have been together now, he is only just 21, and he needs to figure out some stuff about himself before settling down in a family life - if that is what he wants, he does not know, but he is not negative towards the idea so far. After he has graduated from college, you can talk together on where/in what trade he thinks about getting a job. If he is going to move, he will need money - and a job. I don't think this is vague, but there is some more talk needed, and it seems you - being the older and more established of the two - are a bit impatient to close the distance. Try to think about what life was like at his age, what did you want for yourself? Together you should try to find a balance between freedom and hopefully a future together. If he is a list-guy you can work through his list together. Take an interest in what he wants, and is more likely to lend a sympathetic ear to what you want (you might want to write your own list!).