So we've closed the distance...

[katmar1007]

My man and I have known each other for 4 years and change. We made the decision to close the 9k mile gap via a K1. He hasnt toldhis family about me either. He arrived here in April and everything is falling apart. He misses home, thinks he has nothing to show in life, he is legitimately depressed. He left 1 week after we got married to visit family in another part of the country for a month. It's been 2.5 weeks and I am just at my end. We talked in depth about all of this for years. Literally. We even waited a month before tying the knot. I am giving him the emotional space he is asking for, but just today he revealed that he doesn't like where we live. He doesn't want the responsibility of being married. He is talking about wanting to take a job in a state 700 miles from where we are now and 2 times that if I have to relocate. Anyone else have someone totally melt down on them?

[snow]

Oh wow, I can't believe you have to deal with this! I have applied for the K-1 visa and we are currently waiting for the NOA2, but I have been with him twice for a longer period, once for 2 and once 3 months, so I know that living with him is going to be okay and in fact is what I prefer to my life here (though I will miss my family).

I am not sure I have advice for you It seems like he was expecting something else than he is getting now. Do you think you can find a compromise in maybe moving somewhere else in time? The US is big and not every state is the same, so maybe he would feel better in a different state.
I wouldn't do it right away since obviously he can't work right now and so the whole responsibility of earning money is on you, but maybe in the future you can find a different state to live at.

What are his reasons of not liking where you live? Is it anything specific he doesn't like? I feel like there is something going on, something he doesn't show. You wouldn't want to go through a K-1 visa, with a waiting period of 5-X months, proving to an officer that your relationship is legit and then decide that marriage is not what you want, so I think you have to find out what is going on.

[katmar1007]

He just keeps saying that he misses home and his family. He suddenly feels like he is moving too fast. I think he likes the area he is in because it is a faster paced and more diverse community. I am completely open to moving, I like the adventure. He says that he wouldn't still be here if he didn't want to be with me. I think he is projecting his past experience with marriage onto us. I have started journaling my "I want s" and my "I don't want s" and my "I don't cares". Hopefully that will help me keep perspective. For some reason he thinks running will solve his issues.

[Petals]

oh my! I'm sorry this is happening to you right now ! ((hugs))

I am not sure what to advise except, be good to yourself and give him the time to work out his issues. It must be incredibly hard not to feel responsible for what's happening but know that he has CHOSEN to deal with the issues this way and you have no control over that.

Do you know why he has yet to tell his family about you?

[squeeker]

Oh no! I'm sorry you are going through this! I'm guessing maybe you guys did move a bit fast for him, and at the time it was okay but now things are catching up with him and he's missing home.. and possibly not feeling like a good man because he can't work and provide for you, or even try to because of visa restrictions. Maybe you could try and look up things that he used to do or eat or drink from his home, and talk with him on what else would help him adjust. But also have patience with him, as I think it could very well just be that he has to get used to life in the US with you. Just try and be there for him, and be patient as he adjusts and hopefully he will be able to open up about what's really the issue. I'm not sure.. but I think just try and be patient right now as he adjusts to the US culture??

[katmar1007]

He married outside his community the first time (ended extremely badly), and he just didn't feel that he could upset his parents like that again. I do have a relationship with his brother and sister in law. They love me, I love them. I support his plan to get on his feet before informing his parents.

I'm not sure how much more slowly than 4 years and 4 international trips we could have taken it He comes home on the 10th, so I guess I will see what happens then. You guys are right. I can't control how he is choosing to deal with this. I can only continue to love him in spite of it and just let things unfold. Thanks.

[Miasmata]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening I really hope you can work it out. When he comes back, talk to him, tell him you are willing to help him adjust, and find out what exactly is bothering him. I don't think it's unheard of that he's getting cold feet after such a big step. Whether or not that means he wants out permanently is not something we can guess, but I definitely think there are chances things will work out after all. Being overwhelmed by such big changes is pretty understandable, even if it's something you really wanted. As said, talk to him, show him that you care, and help him adjust and cope. You can see if the issues persist then.

I sincerely wish you the best for this. I really hope you can make this work!

[rhabdoviridae]

Sometimes it takes time to adjust, even if he had visited before. It's a big, scary step. Maybe develop a bit of a routine if you haven't already to help him settle in. Best of luck

[Moon]

Wait...you're married, and his parents don't even know about you??? Where do they think he is? Regardless of the reasons, marriage is a big deal, and him not even telling them about you is a huge red flag, I mean, what was he gonna do, introduce you at your 20th anniversary? I'm sorry to sound so cynical, but I think you need to have a very big discussion, and see if it's what you both really want, then plan accordingly. I realize he's feeling homesick, but the one who moves will always feel homesick, and moving state to state to state probably won't help ease it much. I hope you can figure out a way to make it work, good luck.

[differentcountries]

It seems hard to make up for it if he misses his family and his old life so much. If you are happy to relocate with him to find a better place/job for him, you can try that, but he still needs to do some adjusting work with and without you. Some of the stuff, you simply can't imagine before you are actually there. 4 visits in 4 years means he has gotten used to being with you while mostly not being with you in the flesh. Now reality kicks in, and it is all a bit too much. Ask him what he will do to ease the depression and to find a workable mental space for himself. Ask him to come home. A newly wed man should be with his wife, not his relatives withouot even inviting you there. I also agree with Moon it is a red flag he has not told his parents he has married you, at least telling them within the year (he could be doing well in work by then, or not. But should they not know anyway?).

[snow]

Wait...you're married, and his parents don't even know about you??? Where do they think he is? Regardless of the reasons, marriage is a big deal, and him not even telling them about you is a huge red flag, I mean, what was he gonna do, introduce you at your 20th anniversary? I'm sorry to sound so cynical, but I think you need to have a very big discussion, and see if it's what you both really want, then plan accordingly. I realize he's feeling homesick, but the one who moves will always feel homesick, and moving state to state to state probably won't help ease it much. I hope you can figure out a way to make it work, good luck.

Good point! He hasn't even told his family yet? Wow, how did I skip that part? This is bad and this is probably also the reason why he feels so bad. Whatever he told his family that he is going to do is probably not permanent, so if he told them he is on a business trip, they will expect him back at some point, no wonder he is unhappy about this and gets stressed.

Definitely talk to him and find out what that is about. Yes, you're in your 30s and you can do what you want, but you still ought to tell your parents that there is a person in your life that you not only want to marry, but that you promised to marry on this visa that you two filed for! This is a huge red flag!!