Living together - Trial?

[Cristiana]

I'm talking to those couples that have closed the distance or are closing, or thinking/planning to do it*

*just reply what you think it's gonna be, or have planned


Have you had a "trial" before go living together? If yes, how much time? Where (his/her place, yours, etc)? Was it planned or was it just a longer visit, and after that, you decided to live together? How was it? And last, how long passed before you went living officialy together?

End of questions

[lyonsgirl]

No, we didn't.

We were in a long distance relationship for roughly 2 yrs & 4 months, and have now been living together for just over 7 months.

[Moon]

I don't understand this trial thing, I mean you either live together, or you don't. Visiting, even frequently, isn't the same as living together, and is a different dynamic altogether. Moving in together, especially internationally, isn't something you do on a trial basis.

[snow_girl]

Isn't living together like a trial before marriage?

[SaraHonRara]

We´ve been seeing each other for a year almost. The longest period we´ve been together is 12 days. But we see each other every third week. He is moving in with me in August.

We have decided it is make or break. A LDR to me is something you commit to for the long run. It would be to much "work" if you didn´t believe it to be forever.

[CanadianGirl]

We're planning on closing the distance and it would be sort of impossible for us to do a "trial", since we'd need to secure a visa (which means closing the distance) or we'd have to live in the other country for a few months without working.

The longest we've been together was 1 month and it did feel different than a usual 2 week visit, since we had to settle into a routine. While it was a good learning experience, it was nothing like sharing lives since I was on vacation and he was working. We learned about each other's not so great habits.. and also how to work with them. I think an extended visit is a good idea before closing the distance, but if there's a visa involved, you might as well just move together and see how it goes.

[Cristiana]

I don't understand this trial thing, I mean you either live together, or you don't. Visiting, even frequently, isn't the same as living together, and is a different dynamic altogether. Moving in together, especially internationally, isn't something you do on a trial basis.

In fact I didn't mean visiting frequently, but a longer visit that seemed like living together, as a "trial" before move in officially.
With this topic I didn't mean to think about something like "Hey let's do a trial if we want to live together: if it goes right we will, otherwise we break up." It'd be silly.
I thought about a situation similar to live together but not officially, calling "trial" to make it simple

[Cristiana]

I think an extended visit is a good idea before closing the distance, but if there's a visa involved, you might as well just move together and see how it goes.

I meant exactly this, but yes I wasn't thinking about the visa issue.

[snow]

We have been together once for 2 months and once for 3 months before we are going to close the distance when we get our visa. I didn't do it as a trial, I did it because my schedule allowed us to be together for a longer period of time

[Zapookie]

We lived together for a year when my SO came to Australia on a working holiday visa. Prior to that, we had a 3 month visit. We've been lucky in the sense that we have been able to spend such a large amount of time together. We are long distance now again though, and are only able to manage a visit every 7 months.

[differentcountries]

Well, we are on sort of a trial now, with me living with him one week a month . We rent a flat together close to his work. My summer holiday of three weeks with him in June will be the longest we have lived together, including one week where we live together all three of us. Later, when he has off season in winter, we will try to have him here for a month. After military he might come to my country to study for 6 months or longer. That way we will gradually increase the ammount of time we spend together. If we are ever to close the distance internationally, we need trials.

[Malaga]

We've had one month-long visit two summers ago and we're going to have another one this summer again. Sadly, this is the most time we can get together in one go before we actually close the distance.

[jana89]

The longest we have spent together was 3 months, but usually we go 10 - 14 days every 4 - 6 months. We are getting close to closing the distance and we in fact decided to have one year long "trial", so we see how we are doing in longer terms and if I can find a job in DK etc. But in our heads we see it as being forever.

[nottheprincesspeach]

My SO was CD first, so we basically lived together before he had to move. I guess that makes it easier to be confident in closing the distance.

[Zephii]

In fact I didn't mean visiting frequently, but a longer visit that seemed like living together, as a "trial" before move in officially.
With this topic I didn't mean to think about something like "Hey let's do a trial if we want to live together: if it goes right we will, otherwise we break up." It'd be silly.
I thought about a situation similar to live together but not officially, calling "trial" to make it simple

Like Moon said, a long visit isn't the same as living together. Not even close.

See living together has different stressors - work being the biggest one imo. Unless during this trial both people are working, contributing to bills, going out with their own mates etc (people can add more to this list if they think of something) then you can't recreate the experience to test it.

We did have what you might call a trial. He came to Oz for four months and lived with me for that time. If it had been a real trial, like we were using it as a test, we wouldn't be where we are today. I tried to send him home half way through, the visit frankly was a nightmare.
Why:
He'd never lived out of home before and never traveled without his family for more than a week. He'd also never been poor, never had to manage bills or buy groceries especially not somewhere as expensive as Sydney (everything here costs roughly double what it would in Canada but we earn double too... except I was unemployed.) He resisted helping with chores, struggled to deal with housemates and simply could not adapt to the lifestyle we found ourselves living. He complained constantly and it was a nightmare. I nearly didn't go back to Canada with him, and though I did I resented the shit out of him for a long time.

You could call living together in Canada a trial too. It was temporary and we knew that from the start. We hadn't started a permanent visa and weren't yet engaged, I could leave at any time. (in theory. in practice I was stuck there because I had no money to buy a plane ticket, but if I had to go, I could have asked my family to bail me.) But we both worked, had a joint lease, shared finances (though not combined), shared home duties etc. In a way it was a test. I do struggle to live with other people. And I suffer horribly from depression - I had to know that he could help me/ cope with my shit. And we passed. Our love survived it, even though I was miserable being there.
In a way it wasn't just a test of the relationship but a trial for his homeland, to see if I really could give up everything and go. We learnt the answer is no

I think the point of this ramble was that if you're going to do a test run, do it for real with an option of backing out rather than just having a long visit. Long visits prove nothing.