Need some advice..

[Sylenig]

Hi there!

I need advice on the following..

I am in a long distance relation now for about 2,5 years. We even have a child of 4 months. He lives in the uk because of his work i live in the netherlands as i have shared custody for my first child of 9 years old i can not leave to live with him at this stage in my life. My partner and i see eachother almost every weekend and we have holidays etc. Together so we are very fortunate in the amount of time we can spend.

I told my partner when my son is older and able to live with his father most of the time while going to high school i would come to live with my partner in the uk ( and still go back every week to see my son in Holand) this seemed a solution, but i am sad i need to separate the two brothers then from living with eachother. I also feel guilty about this, but there seems no other solution. My partner looked for work here but id didn't work out.

Now i told him i am willing to do this construction, but i am sometimes worried it might not work out or be very difficult. I have a 10 percent doubt. When i tell him this, he says i either go for it 100 percent or he will split up. I feel very forced by this and it feels there is no space for my fears. Some friends told me to just tell him a go for it 100 percent to ease his mind cause i am always free to do what i want in the end, but that doesnt seem honest to me..

I have no clue what to do or say now. I dont want to lose him, but i dont want to deny my insecurities and fears of closing the distance as well

Can anyone give me some good advice?

Thanks a lot!

[Zephii]

Alright so, take everything I say with a big fat grain of salt because I no joke have spent a good portion of my day crying because I couldn't get my children to stop crying, and thus I've run out of nice, but you're putting this here on a public platform so you're opening up to the crazies like me. And hey, sometimes I come out with a real gem, so bear with me.

See, here's how I see it: He's telling you not to worry/not to express your doubts because he's giving up big-fat-NOTHING in this closing the distance scenario, and is quite probably an arsehole. Kids? Kids > everything else. Yet he wants you to leave one of yours behind and not worry if that will be worth it? I'm pretty certain kids are greater than careers too - that your proximity to your son is more important than how your partner puts food on the table. Teenagers need their parents, it's a hard time.

I don't know much about your school structure over there but it seems to me high school is at least a year away for your son, if not more, yet your SO can't keep looking for work closer to you in that time? That doesn't seem right to me.

I think at the very least you need to talk to your SO about how to emotionally support you better and make a plan B in case your main plan isn't viable when the time comes. Understand that it's not his place to tell you how to feel or to threaten you with breaking up if he can't handle that you have very logical doubts. That's not what love and relationships are about, so don't be taking that kind of crap from him. You shouldn't have to lie to your partner.

Best of luck xx

[Sylenig]

Sorry you spent your day crying, but many thanks for straight forward reply!
That is exactly what i need.

Its so difficult sometimes to see what is reasonable and not when you are in a situation.

The plan is to travel for another 5 years and then i will come permanently to the uk. He thinks he is actually the one suffering because he is not living with his child for those years he would only see him in weekends and holidays.. But this was decided like this before i became pregnant.

Well we will see what the result will be, but you are right i should not have to lie!

Thanx xx

Well

[Riyko]

I agree with Zephii, Kids come before relationships, you shouldn't separate your kids because of him. If he really wants to see his child and close the distance he needs to come to you and it's very selfish of him to ask you to separate the kids so you can be closer to him.

[80anthea]

I agree with the others too, you have to put your kids before any relationship. He should be looking for work closer to you and his child.

[Zephii]

Its so difficult sometimes to see what is reasonable and not when you are in a situation.

True story there
Great to see you posting, btw, I see you're a long-time lurker.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

It seems like some sort of a compromise needs to be made so all of the children involved, yours and his, will have what they need. But, keep in mind that children do grow up, eventually, so it is important to keep your own relationship intact, too. LOVE will find a way.

It sounds like you are in for a very long, Long-term LDR. But at least you can visit each other fairly often.

[Hollandia]

I know the job market is rough in NL right now, but there is no way in Hades I would split up my kids so that he can stay in London. He needs to understand that being a parent is about sacrificing for your child sometimes. It is really just sad to think that he would be willing to take a child's sibling away from his son. He needs to start looking for work in NL asap and put his child first. You should really just tell him it would unfair to not just his child but yours too. Does he feel so little for your other son? I think if he loves the kids enough, this is a no brainer.

[Sylenig]

Thanks for all the replies.
I realise in the end i would choose the hapiness and safety of my children above all. So, indeed there must be a plan B in case things dont work out.

I told my partner if he wants a 100 percent safety he is free to go, cause i cant give it to him. Well it seems thats not what he will do.

But it is very difficult. He has a big career and a great job. That wont be the same in Holland. He also doesnt want to leave his elderly parents.

What i have learned so far in a long distance relationship is, that sometimes things that seem undoable are doable. You really have to think beyond boundaries. The things i though would become problematic are not such a big problem in the end, but then unexpected other stuff suddenly creates new challenges.

[Hollandia]

Thanks for all the replies.
I realise in the end i would choose the hapiness and safety of my children above all. So, indeed there must be a plan B in case things dont work out.

I told my partner if he wants a 100 percent safety he is free to go, cause i cant give it to him. Well it seems thats not what he will do.

But it is very difficult. He has a big career and a great job. That wont be the same in Holland. He also doesnt want to leave his elderly parents.

What i have learned so far in a long distance relationship is, that sometimes things that seem undoable are doable. You really have to think beyond boundaries. The things i though would become problematic are not such a big problem in the end, but then unexpected other stuff suddenly creates new challenges.

I hate to say this but it sounds like you are making a bit of excuses for him. Holland is a couple of hours plane, train or ferry ride away from London. Are his parents ill? Elderly parents a few hours away does not sound that awful. My mom is elderly but not ill and fine with me moving to NL or anywhere else and she is in USA. Even a healthy 90 year can ride a plane. I think if he would have to choose to either travel back and forth to see his parents, or travel back and forth to see his wife and child, he should pick his wife and child.


The job thing sucks for sure, but can just stay in London until he finds another job in NL right? As long as he is actually looking for work in NL, then you are working to close the distance and it is a positive thing. Does he speak Dutch? There are many recruiters that are looking for people who can speak fluent Dutch and English. My BF has been working with several of them, a great career in London means they would love to talk to him about opportunities in Holland. Rotterdam and Amsterdam are not cheap for sure but the cost of living is still much lower than in London. What I mean is he does not have to make as much money for you to live as well in Holland. Perhaps you could even look for a home outside of Amsterdam that is a bit cheaper. The cost of an apartment in Rotterdam is almost double what my SO pays for his place 15 min away from it in Zwijndrecht. I hope it works out well for you and I agree, we spend half of our time brainstorming ways to mount unreachable goals too. Sometimes you just have to choose the lesser of the two evils, and in this case anything that does not tear your family apart would be the lesser.