really do not know what to?

[LHNGLONDON]

So I'm pretty new to this, but lately I've been finding the whole long distance relationship very hard.
I mean there are days where I'm obviously more positive about the situation, and then there are days like today, where I really don't know what to do or who to talk to.

Me and my boyfriend have been together almost a year, half of that year we've been apart. I know compared to a lot of other long distance relationships 4 hours away isn't a great deal. But it's enough to pull us away from one another, I need a little advice.

Lately, in the last month things have become more difficult, we see each other most weekends and speak when we can in the evenings but he is an incredibly busy person because of his work. We've discussed many times me moving up towards him, so we wouldn't have to be apart anymore and in the past we've even began looking at places to rent together. I'm willing to leave my life down here, my friends and family to move up and be with him, but last time he told me he wasn't ready and he was worried about issues to do with money.

We spoke about it again recently, and he told me that there's things he wants to do before he moves in with me, like going travelling. I know this is something he's always wanted to do, he's always told me that he's wanted to go travelling since leaving school.

But now I'm wondering, where will that leave us? I know he's planning on going sometime next year, and he wants to travel for at least a year.

I never want to stand in the way of something he has always dreamed of doing, but at the same time, I really don't think I could handle being away from him for that long.

[Hollandia]

He does not want you to travel with him at all? I think if you choose to be apart from a loved one for a year because you "want to travel" that is selfish and you really don't want to settle down yet. Sorry, but speaking as someone who loves to travel and does quite a bit, if I had to choose travel or my SO, it would be him every single time. I think you two are young and so he wants to slow things down a bit. You are ready to one thing and he is not ready for that, you need to decide if you can wait for him to maybe reach that point or not, and it could be several years before he is.

I also don't understand him wanting to travel "for at least a year", is he rich? Travel is expensive. If he has that kind of cash then money is not the real issue. Also, travelling for a year sounds great, but why not travel for 6 months now with you and 6 month later without? I know you don't want to stand in the way of his dreams, but what about yours? Are you okay to forgo yours for him to have his? Are you willing to put your life on hold for years for him? If you are, then you have your answer, if not , you need to talk to him about how this will indeed affect your relationship. For me the hardest part is the pain of the distance for that long and being done as a choice. I see no good reason someone in a relationship would want to travel alone for at least a year unless they are not truly committed to that relationship.

[Unconditional]

I agree with Hollandia. You should not have to put your relationship on hold because he wants to go traveling. If he loves you, shouldn't he like the idea of you going with him?
I just don't understand what his reasonings are, to me it kinda seems like he doesn't want to "settle down" like he is afraid of commitment or something along those lines. He may not be on the same page with you as far as moving in right at the moment. Have you been to visit him?
He seems to be doing the while issue of you moving up there, which to me is like a yellow flag.. but that's my opinion, I don't entirely know you're whole situation, only what you've told me.
Best wishes on this whole situation.

[kittyo9]

Like Hollandia mentioned, has he not thought about traveling with you? Traveling together is an awesome way to bond and grow your relationship. I understand if you don't want to, though-- a full year of traveling is very expensive (even if you're just backpacking) and can potentially leave you feeling lost when you return. You definitely sound like you're supportive of him fulfilling his desires in that respect, but it might come at the cost of taking a break in your relationship while he's gone. What does he want for your relationship? What does he think will happen if he goes traveling for a year?

[Moon]

I kind of disagree with you good ladies. I think if he's always planned on taking a year to travel, he should. You only usually get a very limited time in life where you're free to do that, and if it's his dream, he should do it. Yes, he could ask her, but maybe it's something he's always wanted to do solo? Or, maybe she can't take a year to travel?

Maybe even he's simply not ready for how serious the relationship is becoming, and this is his chance to cool it off for a little while, without losing her? Purely speculating here, of course. Anyway, I don't think it's selfish to live out your dreams, especially in your youth, as long as you aren't neglecting actual responsibilities, like a wife, kids, mortgage, job, etc. Finally being an adult, while still having your freedom has a frighteningly short life-span, and really being LDR for a year isn't that bad.

[80anthea]

I agree with Moon, you're both still young, if this is something he has always wanted to do then he may regret not doing so. Maybe you could talk about it and reach a compromise: travel with him for parts of it or arrange to go and visit him a few times during the year?

[Hollandia]

Travelling is one thing, but doing it alone for at least a year is more than that. It means you have nothing really keeping you from not wanting to do it. If you profess to love someone enough to move in together, you should not want to be apart from them for over a year. I also agree they are young, but it seems they are in two different places in the relationship and just as much as he might resent her for cutting back on his dream, she can resent him for putting her life on hold for him. Relationships are about sacrifice but why does she have to be the one to be doing all the sacrificing? I think if he truly loves her, a compromise can be made and also travelling for a year sounds exotic and cool, but really long term travel is rough at times. I have spent the better part of the last two years travelling and it is exhausting and the novelty wears off after a while. It is much more special to travel with your loved one sometimes than to do it alone for a year plus. We all had dreams but sometimes you need to add some realism into them and for the OP and her SO I think that means to meet somewhere in the middle.

[LHNGLONDON]

Thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate it.

We have discussed me travelling with him, and because of his professional he is very well off. But for me, I would want to pay my own way and I just don't have the funds to do so right now, with my current job it would take me at least half of the year to save up. I could certainly do 5-6 months without seeing him at all, if I had to. But a year or more, as much as I love him.. and believe me do, I just couldn't put my life on hold for that long.

[Unconditional]

Why is your life being put on hold? I mean, your life will still go on though he travels. The only difference is your love life will change a little. You could still talk every few days or so, and think of all the stories he'll have to share with you.
One thing that comes up is, didn't you JUST say that huge was complaining about not having the funds for you to move up there? Yet because of his profession he is "well off" enough to travel?! That's odd..

[Hollandia]

Why is your life being put on hold? I mean, your life will still go on though he travels. The only difference is your love life will change a little. You could still talk every few days or so, and think of all the stories he'll have to share with you.
One thing that comes up is, didn't you JUST say that huge was complaining about not having the funds for you to move up there? Yet because of his profession he is "well off" enough to travel?! That's odd..

I was thinking the same thing. He must have an amazing job so young to make so much to travel for a year, but yet he was worried about moving in together for financial reasons. It sounds more he said that because he is not ready to make that move.

She really is putting her life on hold to some extent if her life path included living together for a few years, getting married with the kids and all that in a faster pace than he wants. I don't really think getting married at 20 is for everyone, but she might be a person that does not want to sit and wait to see when and if he is ready. Are they looking at a year, 2, or 10?

I would also say that the OP's pride of having to pay her own way is something that changes the big picture. He is not telling her he wants to leave her for a year, he offered to pay her way and she is choosing not to take his help. It is her choice, but it does take part of the decision to be apart back onto her. I fronted my SO some money in the beginning to be able to see each other, and later he fronted me some. I would suggest she reconsider and let him pay for her to go half the time and she can pay him back when she comes back and he is away for the other half.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I would also say that the OP's pride of having to pay her own way is something that changes the big picture. He is not telling her he wants to leave her for a year, he offered to pay her way and she is choosing not to take his help. It is her choice, but it does take part of the decision to be apart back onto her.

I agree with this.
If he is willing to pay for her to go along, and she says no, then expecting him to not go at all is a bit unreasonable.

[Unconditional]

I agree with this.
If he is willing to pay for her to go along, and she says no, then expecting him to not go at all is a bit unreasonable.

Agreed, definetly unreasonable.
I see no reason that he has to be gone for an entire year though.. he could take breaks between tepid and come back home though.

[LHNGLONDON]

He hasn't offered to pay for me, he has expressed how he would like it if I was able to join him, but he is intent on going next year and no later. When we spoke, he said he felt like he needed to get out and see the world before he committed to me and settled down, I don't really know what to make of that to be honest.

[Hollandia]

He hasn't offered to pay for me, he has expressed how he would like it if I was able to join him, but he is intent on going next year and no later. When we spoke, he said he felt like he needed to get out and see the world before he committed to me and settled down, I don't really know what to make of that to be honest.

If was was willing to pay your way, since he is well off, then would you let him and pay him back afterwards? Is that something you might bring up to him to create the compromise type of situation.

One other thing, are there rules for this time away? Is this time for him to sow wild oats and sleep with others, or is this just a self journey to see the world before he is ready to honker down in one place with you? There's a huge difference between the two, because after awhile the dirt all starts to look the same and it's more about cultures of other nations and this is something that would be really special for the two of you to experience together for part of it. There are special romantic places like Paris, or Venice and I would think he would want to see of them with the woman he loves the first time. So, I guess, my question is what exactly does he feel this time travelling would be about before he settles down?

[silvermoonfairy3]

He hasn't offered to pay for me, he has expressed how he would like it if I was able to join him, but he is intent on going next year and no later. When we spoke, he said he felt like he needed to get out and see the world before he committed to me and settled down, I don't really know what to make of that to be honest.

Okay, that's yet again more information that changes things. :P

Now knowing the part I bolded, I would guess that he's saying he'd enjoy it if you came on the trip, but if you don't, it's not gonna stop him from going.

I don't know your SO, so I don't know how much to read into it. The extremely negative reading is that he expects you to not go, and that'll leave him free to ask for a break, if not a breakup. The more positive reading is that he's just getting some travel done now while he's young and unhindered, and it may not mean wanting a break.

You say you don't know what to make of it, I would flat out ask him. What it means/where you guys stand, etc.