afraid we might resent eachother if one of us moves

[songbird84]

I don't want to leave the city where I live (Nashville). I purposely moved here to experience something beyond the town where I grew up. The city is full of culture and career opportunities that I didn't have before.

He doesn't want to leave the town where he lives (in New Jersey). He has a great union job, makes good money, and just bought a house there.

But eventually SOMEONE has to give, right? Eventually, we will have to come together and close the distance. So who will move for the other?

Scenario 1:
I move back home to him. He's happy because he didn't have to change his life at all. I'm happy that I'm with him and closer to my family and old friends, but very resentful that I had to leave my career and dreams and my sister for him. This could kill our relationship and i might become depressed.

Scenario 2:
He moves here with me. Again, we are both happy to be together, but he is resentful that he had to leave his secure job to be with me. He would feel depressed to have lost a job that he enjoys and worked hard at. And he would miss all his family and friends.
(by the way, this one has zero chance of happening, because technically, his job is stationed in NJ, and mine is more flexible, so scenario 1 is more likely to happen, which worries me greatly).

So who gives? Who wins?

Or better yet, How can he and I work as a PARTNERSHIP and achieve a happy medium? I know we need to have a COMMON GOAL and make our future plans TOGETHER. But I don't know where to start. Neither of us wants to compromise. Please help!

[snow_girl]

It isn't a game, it's not about winning and losing. Relationships are ALL about compromises, especially in LDRs. If neither of you are willing to work together to make things happen you're kinda SOL

[Hollandia]

It isn't a game, it's not about winning and losing. Relationships are ALL about compromises, especially in LDRs. If neither of you are willing to work together to make things happen you're kinda SOL

SG is right.

One or both of you will have to make a change. If you don't love him enough to get over the move, don't do it. If he does not love you enough to find another job in TN, then he should not do it. I would suggest you both look for other jobs in each other's cities and see what you can find out. Maybe a new opportunity will come up in TN, NJ or even a totally different state that might work out well for you both. Also, you don't have to leave TN forever and there is no law that says you can not end up NJ either, it is just where you two choose to close the distance at for now. Me and my SO don't even know what country it will be, but we agreed that once we close the distance for good we will go wherever life takes us after that, whether it is USA or NL or UK or somewhere completely different. This means both of us are willing to make that sacrifice and I think that is where you need to be before you close the distance.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I don't want this to come across as harsh, but it sounds like you're going into this thinking that one of you is going to be resentful and depressed, which doesn't bode well. If you really think that's the case, then it's probably not going to work. If you're just thinking that's the case because you're both kind of sulking a little at the prospect of having to give something up, then you guys kinda need to grow up a little and accept that while it may not be your ideal situation, it's not a bad situation, and there are positives that come from it.

I think you guys need to figure out what your priority is. If being together is the most important thing, then you'll have to work together to figure out how to be happy with it. If living in TN is most important for you and NJ is most important for him, then things messing that up will likely cause resentment, and moving probably isn't going to go well in the long run.

The big issue here is, as you say, neither of you want to compromise. If one or both of you can't compromise without being resentful, it's not gonna work. Frankly, I think you both need to take some time to think about what compromising entails and what it means in a stable long-term relationship. You guys won't get very far if every big compromise comes with sulking or resentment.

Another option could be that you both move to a third location, so you're starting somewhere new together. But that doesn't solve any of the issues with you both leaving jobs, and him having just bought a house.

How do the conversations go when you guys have talked about this? Are you both as threaten-y as this sounds? ('If I move to TN, I'll resent leaving my job/family/etc.' and 'If i move to NJ I might get depressed.')

I know you're looking to have a common goal, but from this post, I'm not necessarily seeing one. There may be details that aren't listed that would change that, but you want to keep your career and dreams and life in TN and he wants to keep his in NJ.. it sounds like those are more important goals to both of you than possibly living together.

You could also try to agree living at one place or the other for a set period of time, and then regrouping and moving, or whatever. But yeah. I think there needs to be a lot of thought on both sides for what compromising entails and discussion on how it'll happen, if this is going to work.

Good luck.

[differentcountries]

OK, firstly, you have not been together a long time according to your listing. Why are you already thinking about closing the distance?

The way I see it, first and foremost I want to be with my man. I belive he feels the same way about it, though he has more restrictions than I do. I have already shifted part of my job around to see him as much as I do. I already save up all my money to visit him and live with him part time. He too has more expenses in part due to me. None of these things are sacrifices, they are just things we do to stay together.

There will be no "winners" if we close the distance, no matter how we choose to do it. The way I see it, each time we see each other, we get to know each other a little more. This is information to put in our "relationship bank", where we can go to see how we will do things later on. When we first got together, we had no idea on how to be able to visit, now we do. Then we wanted to spend more time together, but were unsure of how to do it, then we found a way. I am sure oppertunities will present themselves on how we can spend even more time together, and possable even close the distance. I trust in us to find out more about this as we go along.

Regardless of which country we choose to stay in the most, we are going to spend some time in both countries to make sure the other network does not fall back. Regardless on how we choose to do it, there is going to be more money spent and time spent on travel than in some other relationships. He is already used to living far from most his family, actually if he was to move to Norway he would probably get to see them more often because we have better holiday regulations. It would be a very new environment for him though, just at his country already is for me (exiting too. but learning a new language is hard at times).

I think as a general rule, if you suspect forhand that a choice is going to make you resentful, then don't do it. If you think you might work with the feeling of resentment, how about visiting him more, see if you can get new friends in his town and viceversa. That is going to make it easier for you to see the situation of the other, too.

Also, though sometimes compromise can be the right solution, I like to think of it more as being CREATIVE together. If I had thought about visiting SO in terms of compromise, or even looked to what others did, I would have never thought of the idea I had with my job.

[Moon]

You're looking at this all wrong, it's not a competition, and it's not a race. You're forgetting to look at where it makes the most sense to move, and letting your emotions, instead of logic, make the rules.

Now, you haven't been together very long, so if you wait awhile, things may sort themselves, but you should be looking at who has the greater earning potential, and where. Which is a better place to lay roots in, and if you want kids, which has better schools, neighborhoods, family access, etc. Which place is more satisfying long-term culturally, etc. Decide what things are important to you both, make lists and compare. Do what makes sense.

Also, Why would either of you resent the other? You're both choosing to be in this relationship, right? If you think you'll resent each other, you might as well break up, because it's not worth living with resentment.

[snow]

OK, firstly, you have not been together a long time according to your listing. Why are you already thinking about closing the distance

We thought about closing the distance from day one, there is no "too early" to think about the future when it comes to LDRs, especially international ones

The thing is, one of you or both will have to relocate if you want to live together and there is just no other possibility than these two. Either one of you two leaves the place you live in right now or both of you move to a whole new state to be with each other. I think you should weigh out the possibilities and see what makes the most sense for your relationship. The main goal is to close the distance and none of you should feel like they are giving up their life to be with another.

In my case, I am going to move. Mostly because I am young, I don't even have a job yet and I am fluent in English and German. For me, moving is easy. Yes, I will leave my family, but all my siblings spend a lot of time on their computers, so I will be connected to them anyways. I never felt like home in Austria and have been discriminated against for being Polish. He has been working at his job for over 14 years, has a good place to live and is very close to his family and friends, who all live very, very close (like seriously, right around the corner :P) I am actually looking forward to moving in with him! We have applied for a visa and if everything works out, we should be married by the end of the year.
BUT: We still have plan B. If it doesn't work out, he will move to Austria to be with me. Since I am a European citizen, it will be easier for me to move around Europe and settle somewhere where English is the main language, to make it easier on him. Of course we'd prefer situation A, but we are fine with plan B as well.

You will have to discuss what you want to do. Not what you would do now, but what your plans are for the future. Maybe, you want to pursuit your career for 5-10 years and then move in with him. I don't know. It is your relationship and this is the main question to figure out.

[lilspitfire]

Is this post for real? I'm blown away by the childishness of this whole post. We'll be depressed and resentful. Then why are you even talking about or thinking about closing the distance? Why don't you find someone local so this isn't an issue? If you're not able to make compromises and neither is he, how will this even turn out worth it? Furthermore, if you're asking complete strangers this; well you're already in trouble. None of us can tell you what to do. Seems to me you're already thinking these things and you haven't even discussed closing the distance nor have you even really talked about a future if he is going out and buying a house. Seems to me that you're both leading very separate lives without working together as a couple. My bf would love to leave MD. I would love to leave TX. We're waiting to decide when we get to that point, but that is far away and we're making choices together, not apart.

[whatruckus]

First of all, I agree with everyone else wholeheartedly. Second of all, why the hell are you thinking that one of you is flat out going to be resentful of the other/depressed? Have you talked about it with him?

If you don't think that you'll be happy moving back to Jersey for him, then chances are...you probably shouldn't do it. If you think that he's not going to be happy moving to TN for you...don't do it. With this, it seems like it wouldn't work out either way for either of you, if you're so set that you guys won't be 100% happy.

Relationships, CD and LDR, require compromise. I'm willing to move to where my boyfriend is because of many reasons:

1. We'll be together, and we'll be happy.
2. I love the area, there's more to do.
3. I have friends there now.
4. Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy less expensive than Jersey. Especially where I live, where 90% of the people in this area live in $1 million+ homes.
5. My career, both now and when I finish school, I can have anywhere. (Dental Assistant now, after school: Dental Hygienist)
6. He would strongly not want to live anywhere other than Philly, though he's open to it, and I'm totally okay with that. He has tons of pride for his city, he loves living there and he loves working there.
7. I can still see my family whenever I want because it's only an hour and a half to 2 hour drive.

Do you see that I'm willing to compromise, if it means we'll both be together and be happy? I know my boyfriend loves his city. I love his city. We've never even thought that we would resent each other for closing the distance.

If you doom it fail, it's going to fail. That's the way I see it.

[TwoThree]

OK, firstly, you have not been together a long time according to your listing. Why are you already thinking about closing the distance?

Ehh? What kind of a question is this? She's been with him barely less than a month that you're been with your guy. Are you telling me you never considered closing the distance? Cause that would be a lie, there's proof all over the forum from months ago.

[whatruckus]

Ehh? What kind of a question is this? She's been with him barely less than a month that you're been with your guy. Are you telling me you never considered closing the distance? Cause that would be a lie, there's proof all over the forum from months ago.

I kind of agree. My SO and I started talking about the possibility of moving in together (in a few years) after a couple months of us dating.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

The bottom line here is somebody has to make a move, or you won't get together at all. Do a pro and con list, for both places/both situations, and decide which you like better, and which is most logical and possible. Don't decide ahead of time that you won't like it, or will resent each other. That isn't LOVE. Isn't the bottom line that you love each other and want to be together?

[lucybelle]

Or you just stay in a permanent LDR. If both of you refuse to compromise and see having to move as "losing", then stay an LD couple. Maybe that will work best for you two.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I don't want to leave the city where I live (Nashville). I purposely moved here to experience something beyond the town where I grew up. The city is full of culture and career opportunities that I didn't have before.

He doesn't want to leave the town where he lives (in New Jersey). He has a great union job, makes good money, and just bought a house there.

But eventually SOMEONE has to give, right? Eventually, we will have to come together and close the distance. So who will move for the other?


So who gives? Who wins?

Or better yet, How can he and I work as a PARTNERSHIP and achieve a happy medium? I know we need to have a COMMON GOAL and make our future plans TOGETHER. But I don't know where to start. Neither of us wants to compromise. Please help!

Forgive me for being so bold as to BOLD that one line. It seems logical, taking into account that he has a good union job, and is buying a house, that you would suck up your fears and ego, and move to him. But of course, that's only my opinion, and you have to do what is best for both of you. And if you can't compromise, then what chance do you have? Like I said before, the bottom line is that you love each other and want to be together, isn't it. IF that isn't the bottom line, then why are you together?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Or you just stay in a permanent LDR. If both of you refuse to compromise and see having to move as "losing", then stay an LD couple. Maybe that will work best for you two.

Yes, there is that, too. I wonder how that would work out, in the long run. Seems like it could get complicated, with one or the other wanting to see other people, and maybe marrying someone else.