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Will we ever close the distance? Advice please!

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    #1

    Will we ever close the distance? Advice please!

    Hi,
    So I'll start with a little background... My SO and I met at school when we were 16 and we hit it off instantly as best friends. Well over a year ago now we got together and I ended up moving in with him and his parents, but since we met he knew the plan was for me to go to University to study Biomed when I was 19 going on 20. So I moved in September and yes it was so hard going from being that close to suddenly being apart but that we can work though.

    My main worry is that my SO isn't willing to leave his rural village, or should I say hamlet, in which he has grown up. I am planning to specializes in Genetics while he is currently working in a cafe, unsure of his career path. Unfortunately for him the closest place large enough to do any research into genetics where he lives is an hour and a half drive away.

    Now as much as I love my SO and he loves me back and we both view our relationship to last so that we start our own family, he must appreciate that it will be another 3 years before I can even work at a place that close to his home and doing a 3 hour round trip just to get to work everyday isn't going to happen for me.

    I have tried to get him to encourage the move to live with me, and his parents are very supportive of the idea, but he is too happy with his home comforts to move even ten minutes down the road let alone make a 130 mile move.

    I can not and will not force him to move, however does anyone have any advise? My parents feel I should call it now if we wont actually ever be able to live together and that I shouldn't waste time. But I want to give it every shot we have.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this guys!
    Unigirl xx
    Last edited by Unigirl; December 17, 2014, 10:26 PM.
    Tags: confused on what to do, is it worth our time?, strong relationship, want to make this work, we both need to relocate
    #2
    It seems like he needs to do a bit of growing up. You already know your path, you've got your mind made up. He doesn't. Do you think he'll figure it out within a few years? Can you deal with him being indecisive about his future? He honestly seems kind of lazy in that, he doesn't want to move out of his parents' house, and he's content just working in a cafe. If he wants to start a family with you some day, he's got to get a move on and start his career.

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      #3
      You could possably find somewhere in the middle, as a loose plan. Then you both could have an hour and a half travel time, which would be doable.
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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        #4
        As a fellow Bristolian, I can agree that a commute down to Cornwall is not an option, the roads/Trains are a nightmare and you would be late more often than ontime.....

        It is however close enough for a weekly commute - bit of a pain, but doable, so I would not be ready to throw in the towel just yet.

        I would also say, he'll need a bit of time to get used to the idea of moving if he has never left home, for some people this is a *big* deal!

        Settle into your course, continue to study, and then see where things go, ask him why he can't move - even if it is only as a trail to see how he likes Bristol.

        He can't use work as a reason, and there are so many places he could pick up waiting or bar work in the city that employment can't be a factor.

        To me he just needs a bit of a kick so he can chose a direction to go in life - but be blunt with him, if you consider his decision to not leave his parent's house to be a deal breaker if after a certain time he is still living there, then tell him so - as part of a rational discussion. If faced with the idea of losing you, and he can do something very easy to sort it out, he might have a change of opinion on things - or it might tell you that he finds his way of life more important than you two as a couple and you know you answer that way.... But listen to his thoughts and concerns too when he tells them, don't railroad him, and be prepared to compromise...

        As ever - communication is key!

        good luck!

        Comment

          #5
          Originally posted by p_b82 View Post
          It is however close enough for a weekly commute - bit of a pain, but doable, so I would not be ready to throw in the towel just yet.
          I would love to be able to commute weekly but unfortunately my SO works weekends (it's tourist work so hes not able to take them off often) and that's my only time off, the bus (which is the cheapest method and the only affordable way to travel as a student) takes most of the day so I would be traveling the whole weekend to see him for 5 hours in an evening Plus the bus fair unfortunately comes to £25.80 which is more than a third of my weekly budget. SO can't afford that either

          It's also planning ahead looking at my career. He told my mum yesterday he doesn't think he will ever move out the hamlet. But he knows that I can't live there for my career in the long term, even if we do go long distance for the next 3 and a half years.

          Comment

            #6
            Is that the only type of work available where he lives?
            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
              Is that the only type of work available where he lives?
              In Cornwall? Pretty much....

              If he's willing you can get through this. He could go halves with you on the bus fare if he's working and still living at home with parents. You're both still young, take it day by day. Don't put too much pressure on yourselves.

              Cornwall is a beautiful place to live, it is truly magical. I'm not surprised he's reluctant to leave.

              Whilst I would never say that it's not important to have an education and a good job, these are not the be all and end of life. There have been times in my life when I was very well off, and they were the most miserable times of my life.

              Keep an open mind, about where you live and your relationship. Although you love each other, sometimes this isn't enough if your aims and goals in life are so very different.

              Good luck. I hope you get these issues sorted.

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by Unigirl View Post
                I would love to be able to commute weekly but unfortunately my SO works weekends (it's tourist work so hes not able to take them off often) and that's my only time off, the bus (which is the cheapest method and the only affordable way to travel as a student) takes most of the day so I would be traveling the whole weekend to see him for 5 hours in an evening Plus the bus fair unfortunately comes to £25.80 which is more than a third of my weekly budget. SO can't afford that either

                It's also planning ahead looking at my career. He told my mum yesterday he doesn't think he will ever move out the hamlet. But he knows that I can't live there for my career in the long term, even if we do go long distance for the next 3 and a half years.
                Well I will be honest here, if he has said he is not planning on ever leaving, and you know you are going to be away for your education and career, then you are either in the LDR indefinitely or you are going to have to break up.

                I know some people just can't stand the city life, but you have to at least try it to find out if that is the case for the individual, and he IMO should make an effort to at least try it at some point... there is so much bar/waiting/kitchen work in the city that he would not struggle to find an equivalent job here, and it would show you he is committed to at least try.

                Right now he doesn't seem he is even prepared to meet you in the middle on this one, to me that personally would be the issue here, as relationships are about compromise, he could easily at least try it, even if it is only a temp thing, but he is stuck in his comfort zone.. does he plan to live with his parents forever, as he will need to move out at some point otherwise, why not now......

                Comment

                  #9
                  Based on what you've said. He does seem to be a bit too comfortable. Relationships take patience and they also take initiative. You're two whole individuals attempting to work together to become one. I agree he should compromise a bit more for you. He has to be willing to make just as much of a conscience effort as you do. Keep discussing it with him. Perseverance and persuasion are natural gifts to us women. Sometimes, we all need a little guidance and an extra push in the right direction. I wish you all the best! Good Luck!

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