Moving to her country: Advice needed please!!...

[riddle]

I have been in LDR with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. She lives in Germany and after 9 months or so of being together, I made the first step and told her I was willing to move to her country, because I want to be with her and nothing beats love. We have been looking up ways for me to go there as soon as possible, and we didn't find much, since my German level is not enough to get a job or apprenticeship and I don't have any diplomas since I started working straight after I finished high school and did no studies. After doing more research, I found that doing the au pair thing could be a good temporary solution. While doing this, I thought I would continue learning the language more easily and eventually get a decent level to do something else. I suggested the idea and my girlfriend said this was the way to go.

The problem is: I have got the feeling that I am the one doing most of the sacrifices. One of us have to do it, you'll tell me. But when I think more about it, I have got the impression that there are limits to her love. See, I am the type of person who can love unconditionally and is going to do anything, ANYTHING out of love. Not that I expect the same things back now..but i suffered from this before, because I did all those things for someone who wasn't even going to do the half of what I was doing. I think there needs to be a balance somehow, and right now, I feel like the balance is weighing way more on my side...and I feel like it is going to be like this in the future as well. I am doing sacrifices, and putting effort in going to German classes(even if i am not fond of learning languages in general), doing homework, settling all my debts before I move to her and being broke from this, doing all the visa/papers stuff...I will quit my job, leave my country and family,move to Germany and start living with strangers, earn less monthly, have to learn German again as well as many other things, go through this completely new life without having the woman I love by my side all the time, and without knowing the outcome of all this...will I reach the required language level in time? will I find a university course that suits me in time? will I find an apprenticeship in time? will I have to go back to my country and stay there for a long time before I go back to Germany?

While I will be doing and thinking about all this, she, is just going to carry on with her happy little life, pursuing her career, staying in her beloved city, having her friends around, going on holidays, soon having her girlfriend around as well, spending xmases with her little family...And I will be there, in that totally foreign place, only seeing her from time to time. She said things like she wants to marry me one day, that she would have done the same things I am doing if she was me, that it's good that I am coming to Germany since I expressed the will to change lifestyle...But so far, she never showed me the will to make big sacrifices and she is always expecting me to do most of it. I talked about it once, and she asked: Why did you look for a woman from a foreign country then? I get the impression she just tries to make me believe she has got no limits...and it hurts me thinking she will not sacrifice much to be with me...

I personally know, that if I was her, I would have done things differently..

Do you think I am just thinking too much and imagining things? Is this situation normal and fair? Is it how it's supposed to be when you decide to close the distance? How would you have dealt with it?


Please help! I am desperate...

[p_b82]

I was in a very similar boat about being the one to relocate and move (I am not anymore as we just broke up), but I will tell you this right now this second - If you are harbouring feelings of resentment right now about this already, you should think long and hard about the future, and open dialogue with your GF to get this resolved. It will not go away unless you are able to accept that you are willing to do all this and there is no comeback to her, if it works or doesn't work.

What do you want her to do differently in all this? She can't help it that you are the one to move to her, there is very little that she can do in that respect but continue to live her life.... When different countries are involved this is always going to be the case, and one person *has* to sacrifice their current existence in order for the other party to move to them.

One possible compromise, might be for the two of you to marry - it changes the nature of the visa process (I presume you are outside of the EU?) and could be a compromise situation that you are happy with - EG you know she is as commited as you are...
Another might be you both pick a different country and move there - if there are no other complicating factors....

There are lots of possible options open if you really are uncomfortable with moving yourself.

It sounds to me like you should really investigate these feelings you have, and discuss them open and honestly with your GF, if you still feel that she is not putting the same in as you are, and you are not happy with that then, I would say it is time to move on, as otherwise this situation would just bring you more pain in the longer term.

[differentcountries]

What exactly is it that you want her to change? Consider moving to your country? Learn your language? Travel to your country more? Show more interest in your family and friends? Do language studies with you? Be grateful for ever and ever? If things work out for you you will be fine. I have friends who learned language through au pair work, then moved on to studies and work, it might work out like that for you too. It is an uppertunity for you to be with the one you love, plus get an education. If you hold some resentment about SOs attitude to things, you have to talk this out before considering to follow through with your plan. Your SO may not move, but may have to or want to change in other ways to create a more equal standing.

I am the one doing the travels and the language learning so far. Still the serious discussions we had about closing the distance has been him relocating. He will have to learn a new language and culture. I have shown him I can make an effort with language and all. I have met his -big - family.We eat mostly his food. I spend lots of money to arrange for my study weeks/ alone time with him. I have told him that I am comfortable with spending almost all our vacation time visiting his family and friends. We make it very concretely... I am also changing for him.

[lucybelle]

Until you decide that you're moving to better YOUR life, then you should not move. You are already resentful of the situation and you haven't even moved yet!

When I moved to my SO, I did it for me. I knew I would become a more rounded person by living in a different country. Not to mention the plus of adding "international experience" to my resume. I learned so much about myself, my relationship and different parts of the world. Living abroad is an invaluable experience, if you let it be. If you're pissed off whole time because you "left" your friends/family, or because you "don't like learning languages", or because you "sacrificed more", you're going to be miserable.

So make the decision to have a positive outlook and you'll be fine.

[Petals]

I was in a very similar boat about being the one to relocate and move (I am not anymore as we just broke up), but I will tell you this right now this second - If you are harbouring feelings of resentment right now about this already, you should think long and hard about the future, and open dialogue with your GF to get this resolved. It will not go away unless you are able to accept that you are willing to do all this and there is no comeback to her, if it works or doesn't work.

What do you want her to do differently in all this? She can't help it that you are the one to move to her, there is very little that she can do in that respect but continue to live her life.... When different countries are involved this is always going to be the case, and one person *has* to sacrifice their current existence in order for the other party to move to them.

One possible compromise, might be for the two of you to marry - it changes the nature of the visa process (I presume you are outside of the EU?) and could be a compromise situation that you are happy with - EG you know she is as commited as you are...
Another might be you both pick a different country and move there - if there are no other complicating factors....

There are lots of possible options open if you really are uncomfortable with moving yourself.

It sounds to me like you should really investigate these feelings you have, and discuss them open and honestly with your GF, if you still feel that she is not putting the same in as you are, and you are not happy with that then, I would say it is time to move on, as otherwise this situation would just bring you more pain in the longer term.

I agree with this post!

What exactly would you want her to do differently?

It is natural to have some anxiety about moving to a new country but resentment is not a good sign and is likely to lead to an unsuccessful move.

Don't make this move until you have resolved these issues and is comfortable moving. Talk to her and do some soul searching...ask tough questions and be prepared to see the answers for what they are.

I'm moving within the next week or 2 and if I were feeling the way you are feeling right now...I would not make this move. I have no questions about my fiance's commitment to me and I know he would do anything for us to be together based on his speech and actions.


All the best

[Dziubka]

Until you decide that you're moving to better YOUR life, then you should not move. You are already resentful of the situation and you haven't even moved yet!

When I moved to my SO, I did it for me. I knew I would become a more rounded person by living in a different country. Not to mention the plus of adding "international experience" to my resume. I learned so much about myself, my relationship and different parts of the world. Living abroad is an invaluable experience, if you let it be. If you're pissed off whole time because you "left" your friends/family, or because you "don't like learning languages", or because you "sacrificed more", you're going to be miserable.

So make the decision to have a positive outlook and you'll be fine.

This. So much.

If you can't turn it around to be more positive for you and if you keep thinking about it in terms of sacrifice rather than gain, then


DON'T MOVE.

[differentcountries]

I am the type of person who can love unconditionally and is going to do anything, ANYTHING out of love.... I feel like the balance is weighing way more on my side...and I feel like it is going to be like this in the future as well.

I will be there, in that totally foreign place, only seeing her from time to time.

You speak a lot of big words, like love unconditionally. There is really no such thing, exept from God towards his flock and perhaps parents towards their children. Stop thinking in these urealistic terms and cut the crap about what this is about. Maybe you are a people pleaser in general, or in love at least? And you secretly hope that someone will notice your big effort and reward in in some vague way. You really need to examine this side of your personality. Remember that people show love and commit in different ways and you really should start now making yourself and your partner aware of how you prefer to be loved... Or even if you don't know, that in itself can be useful information.

The second thing I noticed, is your fear of becoming lonely. That might be worth examining, too. Are you afraid you will not fit into the family, or not get along with the other au pairs, or that your free time will be so limited you will hardly see her anyway? Look up the options you might have to make a wish for a specific city, or perhaps even place an ad in her city's local newspaper to make sure you will actually get to spend time together. Share your concerns with your SO instead of being suspiciuos about her motives. If you feel it might be an equally good uppertunity for her to move to you, bring that on the table. Talk to her

[merlinkitty]

I was going to say what DC said, but she beat me to it. The way you speak almost sounds like the institution of love has been idealized. She is right. Love does not conquer all. Funny thing is you mention you've run into issues in the past with this, where you've done all the sacrifice and not been met halfway. Why do this to yourself again?

The thing is, you don't have to. Since you've already noticed resentment forming, try to write out a list of things you wish were different in your relationship. What are some things that you wish were different in your life? And be realistic. While au pair might be a solution, what qualifications does it take to become one? Do you need prior experience working with children, etc? Is this the kind of work you even want to do?

While it might sound romantic to just drop everything and move to Germany, realistically how feasible is this anyway? What are the Visa requirements there? What do you need to meet them? Have you two met yet? Have ever been to Germany before? These are are kinds of questions I'd be asking myself.

I'll tell you a little secret. I joined this site for much the same reason as you. I wanted a fast track to close the distance. The thing is, if this is going to work, you're going to need a realistic, long term plan that the two of you make together that work within the structure the laws allow and further your furture goals.

So go back, work on this little life improving project, and talk to her about it. Relationships involve compromise, yes. They involve sacrifice, but that sacrifice should be as evenly balanced as possible. If your sacrifice is causing you resentment, perhaps a different approach is in order.

Best wishes and welcome to LFAD

[Miasmata]

My SO will be moving to Germany soon too, and I make a point out of making sure that he's not just doing it for me. It's not a fun question, but I asked him: Would you enjoy living in Germany even without the relationship, or if it was over somewhere down the line? You should be critical and ask yourself the same thing.

Relocating to a new country, especially one wih a hard language to learn isn't something you should do as a favor for someone else, or based entirely on your relationship with someone else. My SO loves his family, but most of his friends and close loved ones have moved away from Utah, and he's rather sick of living there. Plus, he's about to finish his education, and the job market in his field is better here than in the US. It's going to be tough to adapt to a new country, but he wants it, with or without me. It's okay if your partner is your #1 motivation, but that should never be your ONLY motivation.

Be very honest and critical with yourself about this. If this is what you want for yourself, definitely do it! But consider all possible scenarios and make sure this is what you REALLY want.

[Hollandia]

I would never have left my country unless it was for a life partner. For me that meant a ring but for some just a commitment, but never just for someone you are dating unless you would be willing to be there without them and still be happy. I still miss my USA and he misses his NL, but we are here for each other and we are life partners. In a mansion in one country or a paper box in another we are in this till we die. Neither would have left until we were at that point. If you have feelings of doing this "for her" and you are not equally committed life partners, then DO NOT move. You will most likely regret it if you do.

[Moon]

I'm confused, I can't figure out what you're really asking here. It definitely sounds like you're in no way ready to move at this time.

People love differently, you seem like the type that takes it maybe too far, you give way more than anyone should, then you're left hurt and angry because your partner isn't doing it at your level. Good relationships just don't work that way. There is give and take, and it isn't always equal, but you should never throw yourself away in the process. Love isn't everything, love doesn't conquer all, love isn't the be all and end all of everything. The sooner you figure that out and can temper your emotions with giving equal consideration to your own well-being, you aren't going to find the kind of successful relationship you're looking for. The most important part of any healthy relationship is mutual respect.

The fact is, to close the distance, someone does have to make the sacrifice, and it is NEVER equal. Someone will be leaving their family and friends, someone will have to start a new life, and that's that. One thing I've found is that most young people on this forum decide where to moved based on emotional, rather than logical, reasons. They base it on missing family and friends and culture rather than which place makes the most sense for both people. You don't speak German, you don't have a degree in a country full of educated people, you'll live in a place where your earning capability is quite reduced, are you sure going CD in Germany is even the right decision? Did you even look into the advantages for both of you in your own country?

I think you need to step back and really consider what you're doing, you're already resentful toward her, and determined that you won't fit in in Germany. With those feelings you are never going to be happy, and this is not going to work. An international move isn't for everybody, and sometimes all the love in the world can't change that.

[merlinkitty]

I'm confused, I can't figure out what you're really asking here. It definitely sounds like you're in no way ready to move at this time.

People love differently, you seem like the type that takes it maybe too far, you give way more than anyone should, then you're left hurt and angry because your partner isn't doing it at your level. Good relationships just don't work that way. There is give and take, and it isn't always equal, but you should never throw yourself away in the process. Love isn't everything, love doesn't conquer all, love isn't the be all and end all of everything. The sooner you figure that out and can temper your emotions with giving equal consideration to your own well-being, you aren't going to find the kind of successful relationship you're looking for. The most important part of any healthy relationship is mutual respect.

The fact is, to close the distance, someone does have to make the sacrifice, and it is NEVER equal. Someone will be leaving their family and friends, someone will have to start a new life, and that's that. One thing I've found is that most young people on this forum decide where to moved based on emotional, rather than logical, reasons. They base it on missing family and friends and culture rather than which place makes the most sense for both people. You don't speak German, you don't have a degree in a country full of educated people, you'll live in a place where your earning capability is quite reduced, are you sure going CD in Germany is even the right decision? Did you even look into the advantages for both of you in your own country?

I think you need to step back and really consider what you're doing, you're already resentful toward her, and determined that you won't fit in in Germany. With those feelings you are never going to be happy, and this is not going to work. An international move isn't for everybody, and sometimes all the love in the world can't change that.

I can't tell you how much I agree with what Moon has told you. All of it.

[snow]

I'd like to back up Moon and express that I don't think your SO is selfish as much as she sees no reason why she should be thinking about moving, when you are already agreeing to make that sacrifice. It's not her fault that you made that decision and feel bad about it and yes, I agree, she should be making an effort to meet you half-way, but you can't say one day "I'm moving to Germany!" and then next day "Why do I have to move and not you?", it's flip-flopedy and difficult to deal with.

I think you should not be moving if everything you're doing seems like a sacrifice you are not willing to make.

I moved across the ocean to be with my husband, but I also wanted to have a better life for myself. I have always wanted to live in America and it was my decision to move, however, my husband has told me from day 1 that if we can't get that to work, he is definitely willing to move to be with me.

I would say, go a step back and weigh out your options, maybe even make a pro/contra list.

[riddle]

Thanks for all your advice! I appreciate it. I will think again about the whole moving thing and re-analyse everything, taking into consideration what some of you said. I will then talk to her and make everything clear..and we'll see how it goes.

Thanks again for helping