Talking about closing distance... MA to WI (him)

[tulipgirl]

Hello all.

For those who didn't see my other posts, I'm Kailyn. My <3 is in Massachusetts and I'm in Wisconsin. We finally met last week Wednesday (thru Sunday), and Ive been chatting to him about him moving here. It's really fast, I understand that, but he graduates college in May. That means he has a transition time, if he doesn't move then, it will be harder since he may be more rooted, with a good job, going for his masters, etc... Not to mention finding time to come here to meet me (it's too hard and expensive for me to go to him). If he comes here, we have like the #3 clinic in the world or something, which he can get a job there using his bachelors, and they will also PAY him to go for his Masters (which he wants to do). He can live with me right away, and I can cover us in the meantime. I get food stamps, he can get added on (he eats so much lol), but me going to school and working part-time covers all my housing expenses (i'm moving into an apartment again later this month), he does have a car so he could drive here, a car would help, otherwise im sure I can drive him to work or he can take a cab ($4 one way) til he saves up for one. He says it's a big risk, and it really is, but everything in life is a risk. Getting married is a risk, having children is risky, flying is risky, gambling is risky, meeting someone you've never met and only chatted to online is/was risky. For him, I want to do it. I want him here, so we can grow, so he doesn't have to leave, so I can listen to him snore. I am scared though. You never know someone til you live with them, im sure a bunch will come up, for me biggies would be cleaning up after himself a little (i'm not the cleanest, but when I get in the cleaning mood I anger myself with my messiness lol), taking trash out if it's full, doing dishes (i refuse. i'll buy a dishwasher lol). We're talking now about what things annoy him, one of them is me being on my phone all the time. Which I am. I'm a phone addict. I like to always be connected, I always have my phone on me, so I suppose I can do that less once he is here. Is there anything I should know? Or that we should know? What do you all think of this? We've been talking since July 12, 2014. It's a decent amount of time, we've talked about any and everything that we could think of. I'm also in therapy for some things, so my therapist could work on our issues too. For Health insurance, he can get on badgercare like I am until he's employed, basically I think I have everything covered. We don't have to get married. I don't want to get married, atleast not for a while, and If I do, we're going to vegas and it's going to be a secret for a while. (I like it that way). I just don't want to spend my life without him. There are so many signs, everything is totally different with him than anyone else. I'm more myself, i'm extremely comfortable, I didn't get homesick, I didn't get anxious, it was just pure happiness. I call him my home, he's home. And I want to be home.

[R&R]

First off, SLOW DOWN. (When reading this I could almost hear you talking very fast LOL.) You've just met in person for the first time and you've been together and known each other less than a year. This is not something that needs to be rushed. I would highly suggest more in person visits before he even considers a move.

I would also suggest your SO do a lot more research about his schooling there. He would need to see if jobs are available at that clinic for what he does and he would have to go through the interview and get hired. Even based on him getting hired, he would have to see when they would start paying for school, what grades he would have to keep in order for them to cover it, etc.

I'm not trying to dampen your enthusiasm. I am, however, trying to give you a bit of a reality check. I have daughters close to your age, 19& 20, and I tend to have to do that a LOT with my oldest. It's great that you are starting to plan but I seriously wouldn't rush it so much.

[merlinkitty]

First off, SLOW DOWN. (When reading this I could almost hear you talking very fast LOL.)

Lol that's funny you could hear it too

I really do agree with R&R on this. Sloooooooow down you two just met.

The first thing that made me go "whoa" was this:

That means he has a transition time, if he doesn't move then, it will be harder since he may be more rooted, with a good job, going for his masters, etc...

Wait wait wait...these are all great reasons to stay rooted somewhere. Somewhere in your post you mention living on food stamps. You ask about things you should know. Money. Money is not a joking matter. It was a major factor in what broke up my last relationship. I flat couldn't afford it. I was bringing in everything and going broke. I resented it and I was petrified if I didn't do something that I had no clue where next month's rent was coming from. And you know why?? He ate too much.

Wouldn't you like to be in a place not worrying about where food is going to come from?? Where you're not living hand to mouth??

Finding a good job, wherever it might, is going to give the pair of you a better fighting chance. Your plan assumes so much. Having a bachelor's does not guarantee you a job. He might not get a job with this company. Then where are you two at??

All of life is risk. There is good risk and risky risk. What you're describing right now to me sounds like risky risk. I'm not saying some time in the future this can't happen, but right now you two sound like two in love people who just met for the first time last week, hit it off, are relieved the other person didn't stink too bad, and now want happily ever after

Start planning. Real plans. Talk about jobs, education, careers, money, that don't involve two people jumping into a fathomless sea. You two just met, you haven't been together quite a year. Give this a long term planning session where both of you come out on the other end with good careers or prospects. If you're going to be together for the rest of your lives, a few extra years apart aren't going to do anything but help you prepare for the rest of your lives

[whatruckus]

First off, SLOW DOWN. (When reading this I could almost hear you talking very fast LOL.) You've just met in person for the first time and you've been together and known each other less than a year. This is not something that needs to be rushed. I would highly suggest more in person visits before he even considers a move.

I would also suggest your SO do a lot more research about his schooling there. He would need to see if jobs are available at that clinic for what he does and he would have to go through the interview and get hired. Even based on him getting hired, he would have to see when they would start paying for school, what grades he would have to keep in order for them to cover it, etc.

I'm not trying to dampen your enthusiasm. I am, however, trying to give you a bit of a reality check. I have daughters close to your age, 19& 20, and I tend to have to do that a LOT with my oldest. It's great that you are starting to plan but I seriously wouldn't rush it so much.

Adding on to this, not to be a Debbie Downer, but things can change. Fast. I'm going to echo R&R in that he really needs to make sure he has a job and can support himself, should you two living together does not work out. My SO and I already decided a long time ago that we both need to make sure we can each live comfortably on our own before we move in together in case something happens (we break up, one of us loses our job, gets hurt...etc). Also, don't justify rushing into moving in together by saying everything in life is a risk. Yes, it is, but can you honestly live with the outcome if things don't work out as you've planned? What if his car breaks down? What if the clinic doesn't accept him? What if his grades aren't enough? What if they decide they don't want to pay for him to get his Master's?

You have no idea what it's going to be like if you live together. None. My SO and I have an idea because we spend so much time together and visit quite frequently. There's been times where I've stayed with him for weeks at a time every other week/2 weeks. You guys have only just visited once, very recently, and you've been dating for less than a year. Approximately 8 months, if I'm correct. My SO and I have been dating for over 2 years, and have been doing what I mentioned for over 2 years. Visits are a hell of a lot different than actually living together. Things you find annoying now will escalate, or things that you didn't find annoying before will become annoying. Also, you only stayed together for 5 days. That's nothing compared to every day, all day.

You really need to slow down and calm yourself. Really think this through.

[differentcountries]

You can't really afford to cover for him, he doesn't have a job, you have only met once for less than a week, you are in therapy. Slow down, and work steadily towards closing the distance, perhaps you to him after he got a job...

[tulipgirl]

Lol. I'm ADD so i'm always like this. I know we've just met once, but basically it's a time crunch, the opportunity is there for an easy transition to moving in with me. Wont take too long and he'd have a job where he is, and be more tied down, much less willing to leave, etc. We have researched schools, there are a bunch close that offer the program he wants, as well as constant openings at the clinic here and I have a few contacts who can shoe him in to a decent position, which any position with this clinic they will pay for schooling and other things. It's a very very good deal. Once he moves here, we can look further at schooling (as it's not a huge rush for him), and find out more info on the schools and like you said what they will pay and when, (usually its soon and they pay it all based on my experience). I know it's a big thing, I am trying to be as realistic as I can (hard when you are 100% sure of someone and just want to be close). Plus he still has to make the decision to come here, there are a few things that need working out even if he would say yes.

[whatruckus]

Are you taking into account if something were to happen? You live off food stamps right now. Even if you're "100%" sure of someone, something can always happen. I was "100%" sure of my ex, we talked seriously about moving in together. Look what happened.

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea because you don't really "know" him. Nor do you know what it's going to be like to live with him. Like I said before, there's a huge difference between visits and actually living with someone. When you're visiting, you're on that "high" of seeing them after a long time and everything they do is amazing (when some of it probably isn't). And, you've been dating for less than a year. I really don't see the point in rushing into something so huge like this just because it's an "easier transition".

Also, you can have all the "contacts" in the world, but it still doesn't guarantee him a position.

You say you are trying to be as realistic as possible, but I really don't think so. You are pretty much assuming that things are going to work out the way you're trying to plan them. What if they don't? What is your back up plan? You still haven't told us.

[R&R]

Are you taking into account if something were to happen? You live off food stamps right now. Even if you're "100%" sure of someone, something can always happen. I was "100%" sure of my ex, we talked seriously about moving in together. Look what happened.

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea because you don't really "know" him. Nor do you know what it's going to be like to live with him. Like I said before, there's a huge difference between visits and actually living with someone. When you're visiting, you're on that "high" of seeing them after a long time and everything they do is amazing (when some of it probably isn't). And, you've been dating for less than a year. I really don't see the point in rushing into something so huge like this just because it's an "easier transition".

Also, you can have all the "contacts" in the world, but it still doesn't guarantee him a position.

You say you are trying to be as realistic as possible, but I really don't think so. You are pretty much assuming that things are going to work out the way you're trying to plan them. What if they don't? What is your back up plan? You still haven't told us.

I 100% agree with this. And as far as the food stamps go, those are meant to help people through a hard time. They are not meant for in case your SO moves to add him so you can get more food. That way of thinking shows immaturity and lack of responsibility. You shouldn't have to rely on the government to support your SO in any way if he moves.

[merlinkitty]

Like here's kind of my thoughts on what should be going on right now, so take it or leave it. He's graduating in May. What seems to be going on here is he hasn't planned for what happens after school, there's now a time crunch, which you're seeing as an opportunity to move him to you regardless of the consequences. I think focusing and pressuring him to move to you is really short sighted.

Every time you say "we've" done this and "we've" done that, I'm reading it as "you've" done it and told him about it. Maybe it's just how you've worded things, but this has the appearance of a guy who hasn't planned ahead and a woman who's directing his life. If you're placing yourself in the position of directing the traffic of both your lives, you should probably back up. He needs to be researching his own schools. He needs to be searching his own jobs. Narrowing his choices to the area you live in, as good as it may be, can have long lasting consequences on his education and career choices. And consequences he may come to resent if he's not the one making decisions about his life. Don't let, or use, the time crunch to back you into a position you've not though out properly. And based on the information you've given us, this is not thought out properly.

You're talking about everything like it's a done deal. Fact is, he doesn't have a job, I think I read right, but you don't have your own apartment yet, we keep saying it, but you're assuming so much. From the way you're talking about his car and the cost of a taxi it sounds like a straight POS. Mine is too. I just spent $800 this month to fix it. I wish one of us could help you see this, but you've put the blinders on and come hell or high water, the pair of you will be living together in May. Fact is, neither of you are financially stable enough for this yet.

I understand you two want to live together and you want to help out. Your financial position isn't great, his is essentially non-existent, and something like that, with everything everyone else has mentioned, can break your relationship. When my ex was living with me I was making about $25k take home and I was going broke supporting two people. No joke. His food consumption was almost an entire one of my paychecks. Eating habits are really cute on a week long visit. Literally listening to the toilet flush your paycheck away can cause panic attacks when you're worrying about your basic survival needs, when you're worrying where the money will come from to keep the roof over your head. As far as supporting two people on food stamps, it's not going to cover all your needs. I watched my ex's family go through this. Food stamps were not enough to cover their food needs. Not food "wants", food needs. This is something you really need to think through.

Is there any reason he can't move back home? The overall appearance is that you want him to move to you, preventing any major disruption in your life. This is really short sighted and selfish. You're "trying" to be realistic but you don't have the appropriate amount of fear to be realistic. You are 100% sure he's the one. This is Cloud 9 talking. The people of Earth are down here you asked for honest opinions and advice. This is what we've got.

[whatruckus]

Like here's kind of my thoughts on what should be going on right now, so take it or leave it. He's graduating in May. What seems to be going on here is he hasn't planned for what happens after school, there's now a time crunch, which you're seeing as an opportunity to move him to you regardless of the consequences. I think focusing and pressuring him to move to you is really short sighted.

Every time you say "we've" done this and "we've" done that, I'm reading it as "you've" done it and told him about it. Maybe it's just how you've worded things, but this has the appearance of a guy who hasn't planned ahead and a woman who's directing his life. If you're placing yourself in the position of directing the traffic of both your lives, you should probably back up. He needs to be researching his own schools. He needs to be searching his own jobs. Narrowing his choices to the area you live in, as good as it may be, can have long lasting consequences on his education and career choices. And consequences he may come to resent if he's not the one making decisions about his life. Don't let, or use, the time crunch to back you into a position you've not though out properly. And based on the information you've given us, this is not thought out properly.

You're talking about everything like it's a done deal. Fact is, he doesn't have a job, I think I read right, but you don't have your own apartment yet, we keep saying it, but you're assuming so much. From the way you're talking about his car and the cost of a taxi it sounds like a straight POS. Mine is too. I just spent $800 this month to fix it. I wish one of us could help you see this, but you've put the blinders on and come hell or high water, the pair of you will be living together in May. Fact is, neither of you are financially stable enough for this yet.

I understand you two want to live together and you want to help out. Your financial position isn't great, his is essentially non-existent, and something like that, with everything everyone else has mentioned, can break your relationship. When my ex was living with me I was making about $25k take home and I was going broke supporting two people. No joke. His food consumption was almost an entire one of my paychecks. Eating habits are really cute on a week long visit. Literally listening to the toilet flush your paycheck away can cause panic attacks when you're worrying about your basic survival needs, when you're worrying where the money will come from to keep the roof over your head. As far as supporting two people on food stamps, it's not going to cover all your needs. I watched my ex's family go through this. Food stamps were not enough to cover their food needs. Not food "wants", food needs. This is something you really need to think through.

Is there any reason he can't move back home? The overall appearance is that you want him to move to you, preventing any major disruption in your life. This is really short sighted and selfish. You're "trying" to be realistic but you don't have the appropriate amount of fear to be realistic. You are 100% sure he's the one. This is Cloud 9 talking. The people of Earth are down here you asked for honest opinions and advice. This is what we've got.

I seriously can not give this enough Thanks. It's like, where I forget to mention something, you always pick it up!

[merlinkitty]

I seriously can not give this enough Thanks. It's like, where I forget to mention something, you always pick it up!

Haha! We're like a tag team lol