Stuck, can't find a financial solution, what are your opinions?

[TwoWingedSpirit]

My SO and I are the love of each other's life. After two years of obsessing about living together, we have already spent quite a lot of time together in my house (last time was 8 - 9 weeks consecutively). This really felt like living together, as you can probably imagine... But we are nowhere near financially independent, we both lean on our parents income for food etc, and are desperate to create financial stability in the future. We have laid out all possibilities and they seem meagre and weak. At this point, I'm already looking for a social worker to talk to, because it's giving me serious panic. As a low-educated HSP who lives in a time of job crisis and has a partner in a different country that I don't fluently speak the language of, I feel like pulling my hair out!!

If we were to live in Italy (SO's country):

- His work: My SO really wants to continue as a freelance web designer, but in my opinion it's not stable enough to rely on that source of income *alone* (and he sees that too)... It's a struggle to find clients. There can be month(s) between one client and the next. My SO is also a bit passive in nature, so he's not your typical hustled businessman. He prefers to let things come to him, rather than go after them. He has found a few clients this way, but it's more a one-time boost for his saving account, and not a monthly recurring source to live off. I'm just not seeing the viability of a freelance occupation (except for the very lucky ones out there)... It can't exist that you don't know - and thus worry like crazy - whether you earn enough to eat and pay your rent the next month, right?!
To make it extra complicated: Let's say my SO decided to take another job, for a steady income (he has a degree). Well, the number of jobs available in proportion to the number of job hunters is incredibly depressing in Italy. The chance of finding work is low enough not to trust it. My SO can't do the most 'despised' jobs, like cleaning or working at a call center. He is a sensitive guy and has a history of panic attacks. Such jobs would make him too anxious.

- My work: I could only work from home (handicraft), since my Italian is really very basic, and I don't have any degree other than high school. In other words: I could faintly support my SO financially, but god knows how much! If I don't sell anything, it's nothing. So it's only in the best scenario that I can be of significant help... Doesn't sound very solid, right?

- Family: Seeing my parents wouldn't really be a problem. It might sound harsh, but I would be OK with seeing them twice a year. We live very different lives already, despite sharing the house with my mom. I don't even see my dad every day. I mean, there is Skype. They would understand and cover the price of the flights, as they would probably come to us more often than we to them.

If we were to live in the Netherlands (my country):

- His work: The same, freelancing. Hopefully he could still find Italian clients from here (or Dutch, who don't mind negotiating in English). If he wanted to find a more steady job, it would be tough, because he doesn't speak Dutch and the job market isn't great here either. I don't know if it would really be any worse for him than in Italy, though.

- My work: Sadly, I only graduated from high school, because there used to be deep issues that prevented me from studying. Anyway, because I am a native, I have no language issues and can still work at any place where you don't need much education but have to talk to people (café, shop...). I'm not saying this is easy to find, but possible if I keep trying hard for long enough. It would at least provide some financial steadiness.

- Family: Now here it comes... My SO just can't go longer than two months without seeing his parents. It makes him feel out of place, and I totally understand that! However, his parents can't visit us very easily (i.e. dog), so he would need to go there. This is going to be a massive financial burden with flight tickets (his parents aren't going to pay for that). In addition, it's probably going to interfere with his work, and depending on my kind of work, I might not even be able to join him.

It feels like we need a place to live where we could survive even if we earned zero in one month. So... No rent, no bills, no absolute need for the supermarket. Some people can do this, but they had $ / € 20.000> to invest in a property. It works if you have significant savings. My SO has some savings, but not that much.

[differentcountries]

I am not sure what you are asking. It seems that your problem is not so much the distance, but the fact that neighter of you have full time jobs, and possably not the health for a full time job, and so it becomes difficult to support yourself. I don't know the rules in Your countries, but possably you would qualify to get into some kind of financial/help program. I am half working, half on benifits myself (hoping to switch to more/full time work next year).

It sounds like a good idea to talk to a social worker to see if you qualify to get help both paying rent and getting a job/qualifying. As for him, it is really his responsability to figure out these Things. It is of course nice that you think of him, but it would be wise to look to Your own situation first. Since you are a HSP, perhaps you also look look into work tips for HSPs, especially in finding a job that holds meaning to you: https://www.marykayparkinson.com/HSP_s_and_Work_.html

[lucybelle]

I sort of feel like you two are either a) making excuses or b) need to get used to the idea of a long term LDR.

Why in the world do menial jobs make your SO anxious? Surely there's something out there that he can do at least part time to help build up savings. For you- job searching sucks. It's a full time job to look for a job. I understand you also have medical conditions but you need to find something to do. It might take a year or so. Until then you need to learn Italian and he should learn Dutch. If none of those things happen...

Get used to the idea that you cannot close the distance in the near future. We have couples on this forum who can't close the distance for whatever reason. They make the most of it. Enjoy your trips together and don't stress out about closing the distance. It simply might not be feasible at this time.

[SailorRei]

Moving together is amazing and everybody wants to do it ASAP, but... doing it just for the sake of doing it and then being in extreme anxiety because of the money may not be worth it. Especially if you are HSP, right? I can't imagine how would you deal with the stress of having to support not only yourself, but also a bf.
Maybe you can take some online classes and courses to get more education? That could always help.

As differentcountries said, you should first figure out your life, and he should do the same. Without moving on and making some small progress and making your situations better (while being separate) you guys won't be able to CTD for quite some time. I'd say that learning how to be independent is something that everyone need to do on his own.

But best of luck to you guys, don't know how long you've been together, but 1-2 more years separate might put you in better position for closing the distance

[TwoWingedSpirit]

Yes, it's true that I don't really have a clear question. After all, I know that it has to come from ourselves, and the best thing we can do to give this a new impulse is probably seeing a social worker. Benefits might be possible in the Netherlands, but as far as I know, Italy doesn't really have much social structure for such issues. Thank you for sharing your experience! I know that being on benefits is not a crime, not if you're missing essential control, despite of wanting a job...

If I find a steadier job in my country (perhaps through a social worker), I will still take it, despite of the plan to live in Italy with my SO. Maybe it would mean so much to him that he would come here anyway. Or I do that temporarily, until I can move to him.
My worry is that he says he wants to build a life with me just as much, but in his actions he is very 'calm' and has a wait-and-see attitude. I don't really imagine him going above and beyond for us to live together in Italy... It lacks impulse. That character trait doesn't make it easier, but I know he's not like that on purpose. I feel more in control when it comes to creating a reasonably stable situation in the Netherlands, because I can take the initiative here. Maybe he would still respond positively and choose to live here, realising that not much is going to change with his current activities in Italy...

[TwoWingedSpirit]

I sort of feel like you two are either a) making excuses or b) need to get used to the idea of a long term LDR.

Why in the world do menial jobs make your SO anxious? Surely there's something out there that he can do at least part time to help build up savings. For you- job searching sucks. It's a full time job to look for a job. I understand you also have medical conditions but you need to find something to do. It might take a year or so. Until then you need to learn Italian and he should learn Dutch. If none of those things happen...

Get used to the idea that you cannot close the distance in the near future. We have couples on this forum who can't close the distance for whatever reason. They make the most of it. Enjoy your trips together and don't stress out about closing the distance. It simply might not be feasible at this time.

I don't like your tone, sorry. As for the job thing: different people have different MINDS. You should feel grateful if menial jobs aren't a problem for you, because for some others it's not so easy to deal with mentally! Doesn't mean we can't do it, but we have this extra ballast called anxiety, depending on the environment where you work. Not fun, I can tell you. Everyone sees you as a nit-picker because a job has to be in a cosy, friendly environment etc... So easy for outsiders to throw with judgements. But we don't judge you either. We are the ones to feel small and invisible, and we admire people who are so flexible with work.
These are NOT excuses - I'm applying context. I already always feel like I have to justify everything I don't do or do. It's like some people are allergic to people that cannot adhere to the mainstream direction and feel vulnerable in this artificial, distorted society.

Also... It's not about closing the distance as *soon* as possible. It's about knowing how, with what plan, and when approximately. Without any perspective, it's like we're waiting for nothing.

Sorry, I still appreciate your reaction, I mean you took the time for it, but I have to admit that it hurt a bit...

[differentcountries]

HSPs often have an extra need for things to make "sense" and "meaning", even what is for other trivial things like a menial job just for money. It may not be that impossible. My artist friend enjoys mopping floors at the small local hospital, she find meaning in contributing to the hospital functioning and to meet people, and the financial security gives her freedom to experiment more in her artwork, so she even sells more pics than before. Even my Asperger brother was able to find a job that he enjoys (he works in a grocery store - and the managers often let him do the organizing in the store because he is actually into that. He is thriving and even found friends at work).

[80anthea]

What's HSP? I've googled it but it's come up with https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/henoch...roduction.aspx Henoch-Schonlein Purpura? Is that what you mean?

[lucybelle]

I don't like your tone, sorry. As for the job thing: different people have different MINDS. You should feel grateful if menial jobs aren't a problem for you, because for some others it's not so easy to deal with mentally! Doesn't mean we can't do it, but we have this extra ballast called anxiety, depending on the environment where you work. Not fun, I can tell you. Everyone sees you as a nit-picker because a job has to be in a cosy, friendly environment etc... So easy for outsiders to throw with judgements. But we don't judge you either. We are the ones to feel small and invisible, and we admire people who are so flexible with work.
These are NOT excuses - I'm applying context. I already always feel like I have to justify everything I don't do or do. It's like some people are allergic to people that cannot adhere to the mainstream direction and feel vulnerable in this artificial, distorted society.

Also... It's not about closing the distance as *soon* as possible. It's about knowing how, with what plan, and when approximately. Without any perspective, it's like we're waiting for nothing.

Sorry, I still appreciate your reaction, I mean you took the time for it, but I have to admit that it hurt a bit...

Like I said, job searching is a full time job. You need to be looking for that "cosy" job until you find it. That means sending out your resume hundreds of times. Not ten times, not even just twenty times. Over a hundred times. And sometimes that still won't be enough. Talking about how it's hard to find a job does not help you find a job. The bottom line is you cannot live off your parents forever, especially if you want to move internationally. Find a job. Get money saved up, and quit the "woe is me" attitude. Every single person here has had to make sacrifices to be with their SO. You're not the first one and you won't be the last one.

Another idea is to continue your education. You keep saying that something prevented you from doing that initially, maybe your circumstances are better now. Either look for a job full time or continue your education (you can even do it online so you don't have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation) so you can find a job better suited to your situation. And drop the "woe is me". Everyone has issues but you can't let them hold you back from what you want to do- close the distance with your SO.

[Miasmata]

Lucybelle isn't exactly being careful in her choice of words, but she's right. You got a lot of potential, and you can realize it, but your attitude really matters. Acknowledging your issues and working with them is the key - Don't be down on yourself for having issues, but also don't let them stop you from moving forward. It's good that you want to make plans and figure out your options! Keep doing that. But remember that the way you treat yourself and your problems will color your path a lot. Speaking from experience, it's much easier to think in terms of "I can't" than "I can", but it keeps you down, and it hurts. I live on benefits too, didn't finish a high education and don't have any stable job prospects at the moment, but that doesn't mean I'm not capable of changing these things, on my terms, in the way that works for me. I attend evening classes to get a higher education (I get more benefits if I seek job training/schooling, so I can pay for the school that way, maybe the Netherlands has similiar programs - Ask the social worker!) and I'm currently working on doing more art for money. I got plenty of issues, and I'm no superhuman, I just do what I can. You can do that too, and you can believe in that.

[differentcountries]

HSP= High Sensitive Personality. About a fifth of the population react more strongly to stimuli like sounds, lights, change and so on. I for instance react very strongly to sound (someone talking medium loud on the bus is like they are shouting into my ear), so I use earplugs on the bus if I am tired or at work if many people cross by. I need breaks and small ways to recharge during the day, and found ways to take total breaks that last less than a minute but are still very effective in calming me down. If a HSP doesn't have ways of coping like that, work can be very draining for them/us. HSP not a diagnosis, but a description of personality traits, much like introverts and extroverts.