I'm ready, he's not

[scaryytino]

So. Background information for ya'll. I'm Nick. My boyfriend is Bret. I'm 23. He's 27. We met through a mutual friend and it hit off.

The plan was for me to move down to be with him at the end of the month. Ideally I would find my own place, but that's not exactly financially feasible so I was going to move in with him. He said he was on board. But I just got back from a week long visit. The visit was supposed to be a sample of us living together but we done screwed up. Instead of pretending like we lived together and still doing our own things, we spent every minute together. And we got on each other's nerves a little (as anyone would at that point). So on Monday he told me he wasn't ready for me to move down and wanted more time.

We talked and cried about it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and a little before I left on Thursday. Ultimately, I decided to give him the time. I didn't think it was the best. I hate being far from him. His thought is that we don't know each other well enough to know if we can live together, and I figure we can't learn those things from far away so we might as well just take the plunge and see what happens. He's also worried about moving too fast because he's done that before and it didn't work out.

Ultimately, we're both scared of losing the other. He wants to keep me by not moving too fast. I want to keep him by not being far from him.

As I was driving home last night the further away from him I got the more my heart hurt and the more I just wanted to turn around and go back. When I got into my room I started crying, and today I keep crying and I don't wanna get out of bed. I just want to be near him. But I can't, and it breaks my heart.

Obviously we're all in long distance relationships, but has anyone had anything similar where one person is ready to close the distance and the other isn't and it hurts? What did you do/how did you handle it?

[Miasmata]

You got together at the end of May, and it's middle of July now. You're moving very fast. That might work for some, but the vast majority of peopl simply can't move that fast without something getting lost on the way, personally or emotionally. Why the hurry? Why do you think you will lose him because you can't move?

[scaryytino]

I haven't had many lasting friendships or relationships in my life. People always end up leaving me. I'm afraid that will happen with him, and I don't want it to. I'm afraid the distance will get in the way and we'll start to resent having to drive all day to to see each other all the time. But I don't want to lose him.

[hmrambling]

+1 on this relationship moving really fast.

Slow down and breathe. Take up your interests and hobbies. Hang with friends. Take up a sport. You're young and you have a life to live. There are websites that explain different stages in a relationship... You are still very much just getting to know each other at 3 months - still figuring out what gets on your nerves and what you will and will not accept.

Research the different stages of relationships. Let that marinate. You are supposed to be seeing those little things about him that annoy you, and he is supposed to be seeing those little things about you that annoy him, and both of you are supposed to be figuring out for yourselves if those things are things that are acceptable or not. Give yourself time to breathe.

[scaryytino]

My problem is that I don't see how you can notice those things from twelve hours away. It's an entirely different form of relationship than in person, and we're going to see/notice entirely different things. How do you reconcile that to in person?

[Miasmata]

My problem is that I don't see how you can notice those things from twelve hours away. It's an entirely different form of relationship than in person, and we're going to see/notice entirely different things. How do you reconcile that to in person?

I'll be so cheeky and ask: Have you tried it? Really tried to just talk, and figure things out with each other, and take time to make the relationship grow? You'd be surprised how much you notice. But if you don't give yourself the chance to see/experience these things, it's definitely not going to happen. I understand your fears, but if you force the relationship to progress way too fast, you are MUCH more likely to drive your partner away than with actually giving each other and the distance an honest shot.

[JaneEmily]

I think you haven't really thought this whole long distance through. There are many LDRs here that are much further than a 12hr drive away and we all sense those things at some point in our relationships, whether it's by Skyping/facetiming or actually physically visiting each other. You don't need to rush finding out all those things, let it come naturally, allow it to all fall into place. You just have to keep communicating, and not applying the pressure. When me and my fiance began our LDR almost 4 years ago, we knew each other really great as online friends but at the 3 month stage, we still hadn't learnt much about each other in a relationship sort of way. We're still learning things about each other now, even whilst still being long distance, that we didn't know each other 4 years ago. You never stop noticing things and as long as you take it slow, and remember that you have all the time in the world - you're only 23 (I'm 23 in August) - to close the distance and to notice things. Have Skype dates, send each other care packages or love notes, arrange fun things to do like normal couples do. If you're visiting, visit a museum together, go check out some nice restaurants or go to a movie. Just don't expect to move in and be able to fit in with each other's lifestyles straight off the bat when you don't even know each other that well. You WILL definitely learn that as long as, as I have said, keep communicating and keep having fun even from afar.

[scaryytino]

Thanks for the thoughts guys. To be honest I struggle really hard with anxiety. So my anxious thoughts tell me to lock it down before I lose it. But my honest thoughts tell me that will push him away. Which is why I gave him the time he needed. I can't push him. That will only ruin things. I don't want that. But I also don't want to not be with him, so it's difficult.

And yes, there are some that are more long distance. But each person can handle different things. Twelve hours is a lot for both of us. We long for physical touch. Even just a light kiss on the forehead. And it's hard to not have that like a "normal" couple.

It's just all so new to me and I'm struggling to figure it out and handle it, but it's hard.

[differentcountries]

I haven't had many lasting friendships or relationships in my life. People always end up leaving me. I'm afraid that will happen with him

Then do something different. Be patient and allow the relationship to flow. Get to know him.

[scaryytino]

Then do something different. Be patient and allow the relationship to flow. Get to know him.

How do I calm my anxieties?

[JaneEmily]

How do I calm my anxieties?

Talk about them. Many times I have been anxious about the distance with my SO, but I've always tried my best to tell him how I've felt. And if I can't do it out loud, I've written it down onto Skype or onto a document (I even have a livejournal that only he is added to so if I ever felt like I couldn't tell him straight away, I'd write it there and he would log on and check when he felt it was right to...that way there's no pressure on him to always hear/read the bad bits when we're trying to converse on Skype and have fun). If you're nervous about it, tell him. The main important thing is that you find time to just breathe and let it out. Don't allow your anxieties to force you to rush what could be something magical. I know it's hard, trust me...I've been there, but you can do it. Make sure to find time for yourself, do something that you love and don't let the distance define who you are or your relationship and don't let it come between you both. As long as you think things through, even if they feel irrational, express your feelings and thoughts/worries, but also allow your SO to do the same. You're going to have to work hard at it but trust me, it will be worth it if you just try rather than saying you can't. Everyone deals with the distance differently, but the most important thing is that you make sure you and your SO are in control of how this relationship goes, not your anxiety Whatever bad stuff your brain is telling you, don't listen to it (unless there's a valid reason too of course)

[differentcountries]

How do I calm my anxieties?

It may be difficult at first, but we all have to live with uncertainty. I find that if I look uncertainty in the eye, it becomes easier because I am not so afraid of a bad situation. I have dated my SO nearly two years and he still perplexes me sometimes, but I trust him to let me in. That trust has taken some time to build up. I have felt afraid too loose him over him over the distance, over him leaving me, over him dying. But you just go on, and try to trust, eventually faking it can make it real.

[hmrambling]

How do I calm my anxieties?

Remember the part earlier where I said to explore your own interests and hobbies? Spend time with your friends. See, the way relationships work is that you need to be a complete person and the other person needs to be a complete person, and then both of you already have full, complete lives, and then your partner is a positive addition to your already complete life. Don't believe that "you complete me" bullshit you hear in movies. How do you calm your anxieties? Have a full, complete life, and allow your partner to be an addition to an already complete life. Stop fretting over the relationship. Is worrying fixing anything? No.

Are you a student? If yes, go to school. Focus on school.
Are you gainfully employed? If yes, go to work and be present at work.
Have friends? If yes, spend time with them. Enjoy yourself.
Have hobbies? If yes, spend time on your hobbies.
Have interests? If yes, spend time on those things you are interested in.
Have internet? Read about the stages of relationships as previously suggested.
If you answered no to all of the above, change your life so that you can answer yes to some of these things.

I talk to my partner regularly, and we talk about work, school, interests, hobbies, our friends, our beliefs, our political positions, spirituality, astrology... You name it. This is how you get to know someone. Google 1000 questions to ask... things like this might also help.

Breathe.
Relax.

[scaryytino]

JaneEmily- Before I left, I made a list of some of my anxieties for him. That way he has a better idea of what I'm struggling with an going through. I made his list with the title, "These things are silly" and I made myself a list titled, "Truths to remember" where I reversed them into reality. (For example, one of my anxieties is that if someone is quiet it means something is wrong. So on my list it says "silence does not mean something is wrong." So i can read the list every day and remind myself of the truth. He wrote a note on my list saying he loves me and that he wished I had told them these things sooner (cause some of my responses to my anxieties bothered him and he thought I was being controlling. So that's some communication we needed to do sooner, but it's hard to open up to someone about those things cause you don't want to push them away.)

But part of making the list for myself was to take differentcountries advice and help myself fake it till it becomes real. If I can tell myself these things multiple times a day, eventually I'll start to believe them without a doubt. It will just take time. Which is something I need to work on.

[scaryytino]

Remember the part earlier where I said to explore your own interests and hobbies? Spend time with your friends. See, the way relationships work is that you need to be a complete person and the other person needs to be a complete person, and then both of you already have full, complete lives, and then your partner is a positive addition to your already complete life. Don't believe that "you complete me" bullshit you hear in movies. How do you calm your anxieties? Have a full, complete life, and allow your partner to be an addition to an already complete life. Stop fretting over the relationship. Is worrying fixing anything? No.

Are you a student? If yes, go to school. Focus on school.
Are you gainfully employed? If yes, go to work and be present at work.
Have friends? If yes, spend time with them. Enjoy yourself.
Have hobbies? If yes, spend time on your hobbies.
Have interests? If yes, spend time on those things you are interested in.
Have internet? Read about the stages of relationships as previously suggested.
If you answered no to all of the above, change your life so that you can answer yes to some of these things.

I talk to my partner regularly, and we talk about work, school, interests, hobbies, our friends, our beliefs, our political positions, spirituality, astrology... You name it. This is how you get to know someone. Google 1000 questions to ask... things like this might also help.

Breathe.
Relax.

I don't believe the "you complete me" but I do think there's a dynamic between being two people as well as being one entity. It's hard to describe. But you retain your individuality, but also become this new identity together as well. And I think that balance is what's hard to find. And it'll be different for us apart from what it will be together, and that's the scary part I think.

And I try to do those things. My mind just gets so distracted by other things that it's hard.

He and I do talk regularly. And we talk about anything and everything. I don't know. I guess I'm just freaking out cause it's so new to me. I told myself I would never do long distance (I've turned people down for being an hour away cause I'm a jerk) but I want to do everything I can to keep him. So that's a good thing I guess.