This is my first post, I'm not one to post on forums, but it doesn't seem to be something my friends and family can really help with. So who better to ask than people that are going through similar situations. Here's my story.
I met my boyfriend August 2014. We work for the same company, have the same position in our corresponding cities, so we met at training. I'm in Chicago (27 years old), he's in NYC (24 years old). We had both just gotten out of long term relationships, for similar reasons, the spark just wasn't there anymore with our exes, and we gravitated towards each other. We had been visiting each other monthly from October 2014-April 2015. While we were exclusive, he wasn't comfortable putting it on social media, referring to me as his girlfriend, because he wasn't in the place to want to commit to a serious relationship. Long story short, the summer was rough, he went out and basically left me for someone else but would keep telling me he loved me and how he wanted this to work. Then in August 2015, came out to visit me again and apologized for everything he put me through and told me he was ready to fully commit. And he has since then. I'm officially his girlfriend, it's out there for the world to see, and I feel like I can trust him again. We've seen each other every month since August again.
For the first half of our relationship, he was on board with moving here. He applied to a job in August (after we reconciled and got back together) and made it seem like he was really going to give it a shot. He got cold feet and didn't follow through. He stated that he wants to make sure we can make this work again before jumping ship to Chicago, which is fine, I agreed to it. Then a few months later this past November, he told me he needed to try, if he didn't try he would regret it. He never did. And anytime I would bring it up myself, he would be defensive and say he just doesn't want to be pressured right now, but yet he would randomly bring it up himself, but words not actions. Now, being that we've been together and solid for 6 months, I want to open the conversation up again and come up with a plan. But when I do in the slightest, he gets weird and says he just doesn't know if he wants to move for me, he still is unsure if I'm the person he wants to end up with, and he won't move unless he's sure. The conversation has been all but stalled the last few months. He cites that he needs to finish paying off his debt (goal of November) so he can improve his credit score and be more secure in moving anywhere he wants to go, buying a house, car, etc. Which I totally understand, but at the same time ... he can't handle the distance. Every few weeks he shuts down and is upset about missing me or not being able to do things with me that other couples do, so it gets him into this spell where he wants to end things, but he doesn't. Then we see each other, and it's good again for a few weeks. But the constant thought that he's going to break up with me over the distance is an uneasy one.
It seems like he has this inner battle where he wants to take the risk and move, but he continues to make excuses as to why this relationship cannot be successful. It doesn't help that his parents are against our relationship and constantly tell him that he needs to cut his unnecessary expenses down (being me). And they are super controlling on his life right now since he took out a loan from them to help with his debt. Reading some posts in here, I see people doing the LDR for years before closing the distance, and I think I can survive until next year if he needs to get things done to better himself, but I don't know if he can. One minute he's on board, or he wants to make it work, the next he wants to basically end it. Back & forth is becoming stressful for me.
I guess I am stuck between the following scenarios. Do I let it ride out and see where we are in a few months? See if things progress naturally and the conversation is brought up by him again? Or do I be more assertive and let him know we need to figure out what we are doing and put a timeline together? It seems when I bring it up, he gets defensive and feels pressured and shuts down, but at the same time ... I don't want to just be carrying out this relationship until he gets bored and decides to end it. I feel like after dating a person for basically a year, he should have a better idea of if he wants to make this work with me in the future or not. And that is the part that I can never understand if he wants it. If I tell him I need a timeline is it going to spook him and make him run? So many scenarios play out in my head and I just don't know the best way to handle this.
(side note because I saw a few other posts that asked this question ... it's always been him moving to me. I have a 6 year old daughter, and me moving out of state would be a lot more difficult, though I have never said I wouldn't. Also Chicago is a cheaper cost of living and my family is supportive. Just wanted to clear that up before someone asked me why I can't move there
)
Any advice on my novel of a story would be greatly appreciated
I met my boyfriend August 2014. We work for the same company, have the same position in our corresponding cities, so we met at training. I'm in Chicago (27 years old), he's in NYC (24 years old). We had both just gotten out of long term relationships, for similar reasons, the spark just wasn't there anymore with our exes, and we gravitated towards each other. We had been visiting each other monthly from October 2014-April 2015. While we were exclusive, he wasn't comfortable putting it on social media, referring to me as his girlfriend, because he wasn't in the place to want to commit to a serious relationship. Long story short, the summer was rough, he went out and basically left me for someone else but would keep telling me he loved me and how he wanted this to work. Then in August 2015, came out to visit me again and apologized for everything he put me through and told me he was ready to fully commit. And he has since then. I'm officially his girlfriend, it's out there for the world to see, and I feel like I can trust him again. We've seen each other every month since August again.
For the first half of our relationship, he was on board with moving here. He applied to a job in August (after we reconciled and got back together) and made it seem like he was really going to give it a shot. He got cold feet and didn't follow through. He stated that he wants to make sure we can make this work again before jumping ship to Chicago, which is fine, I agreed to it. Then a few months later this past November, he told me he needed to try, if he didn't try he would regret it. He never did. And anytime I would bring it up myself, he would be defensive and say he just doesn't want to be pressured right now, but yet he would randomly bring it up himself, but words not actions. Now, being that we've been together and solid for 6 months, I want to open the conversation up again and come up with a plan. But when I do in the slightest, he gets weird and says he just doesn't know if he wants to move for me, he still is unsure if I'm the person he wants to end up with, and he won't move unless he's sure. The conversation has been all but stalled the last few months. He cites that he needs to finish paying off his debt (goal of November) so he can improve his credit score and be more secure in moving anywhere he wants to go, buying a house, car, etc. Which I totally understand, but at the same time ... he can't handle the distance. Every few weeks he shuts down and is upset about missing me or not being able to do things with me that other couples do, so it gets him into this spell where he wants to end things, but he doesn't. Then we see each other, and it's good again for a few weeks. But the constant thought that he's going to break up with me over the distance is an uneasy one.
It seems like he has this inner battle where he wants to take the risk and move, but he continues to make excuses as to why this relationship cannot be successful. It doesn't help that his parents are against our relationship and constantly tell him that he needs to cut his unnecessary expenses down (being me). And they are super controlling on his life right now since he took out a loan from them to help with his debt. Reading some posts in here, I see people doing the LDR for years before closing the distance, and I think I can survive until next year if he needs to get things done to better himself, but I don't know if he can. One minute he's on board, or he wants to make it work, the next he wants to basically end it. Back & forth is becoming stressful for me.
I guess I am stuck between the following scenarios. Do I let it ride out and see where we are in a few months? See if things progress naturally and the conversation is brought up by him again? Or do I be more assertive and let him know we need to figure out what we are doing and put a timeline together? It seems when I bring it up, he gets defensive and feels pressured and shuts down, but at the same time ... I don't want to just be carrying out this relationship until he gets bored and decides to end it. I feel like after dating a person for basically a year, he should have a better idea of if he wants to make this work with me in the future or not. And that is the part that I can never understand if he wants it. If I tell him I need a timeline is it going to spook him and make him run? So many scenarios play out in my head and I just don't know the best way to handle this.
(side note because I saw a few other posts that asked this question ... it's always been him moving to me. I have a 6 year old daughter, and me moving out of state would be a lot more difficult, though I have never said I wouldn't. Also Chicago is a cheaper cost of living and my family is supportive. Just wanted to clear that up before someone asked me why I can't move there
)Any advice on my novel of a story would be greatly appreciated
I can only offer a hug 
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