Looking for opinions

[jeen67]

My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for just over 3 years. He lives in MI and I in PA.
We talked on the phone a full year before we met in person. Our first visit went well and
after that he seemed to really want to move forward saying he was worried if we didn't
start making plans and setting goals it wasn't gonna happen. He had hoped I would move to
be with him but after much consideration I told him I could not. I have 3 kids and although
they are grown I want to remain close to them. He has no kids of his own but a step daughter
from his previous marriage and they rarely even speak. He agreed he would come here. We began
making plans but never anything definite. All of our visits have gone well and after each he
seemed to have a renewed sense of wanting to move forward. The problem is that the more we talked
about it he seemed to get frustrated and would end our conversations abruptly. We set a goal
for him to move here in spring of 2015 but as that time approached he kept coming up with excuses
why he couldn't yet. He assured me when he didn't come last spring that it would not be another
year. Well here we are a year later. He quit his job in preparation for coming here on March 4th.
But hasn't really done anything towards getting here, getting his stuff together, applying for
jobs etc. He came for a visit last week and while he was here he was very proactive about things
and wanted me to help him get together a resume, which I did, and he looked online for some
possible jobs. The problem is since he's been back home he seems to have become complacent again
and isn't doing anything. He says "At least we made some progress" but I don't feel that way. We
made the decision to rent temporarily instead of buying a place right away to give us time to
look around for something together and since he already quit his job I don't understand what is
keeping him from just finding an apartment and coming here already. I am really beginning to
feel it is never gonna happen. There is nothing holding him there. I have never had the feeling
he is cheating so I don't think it's that. I want to be honest and tell him I want a firm timeline
and a soon one but I'm a little afraid of pressuring him but on the other hand he either wants to
do this or he doesn't. I need to know. I am getting really stressed and would just like some opinions.

[differentcountries]

Moving is a big decition and most people dont take lightly to that. If neigher of you have young children, those dont play into the sceme of who will move. It seems that you "agreeing" he should move to your area was a bit premature. What are his reasons to stay behind? What are your reasons he should come? You seem very set that he should move to you, without considering how you moving to him could be an option.

[jeen67]

Thank you for your reply. The idea that he would move here was not premature. We had discussed and I gave much consideration to moving his way. However, I did decide
that it wasn't something I felt I could do and I was honest with him. While my children may not be young anymore they are a very big part of my life and we are very close. He on the other hand has no children to be concerned about. When I told him I could not move there he said he would then come to me.

Also, I am very aware of how difficult it is for him, or anyone, to uproot their lives and move to a new state. I have also expressed this to him and explained that if he decided
it was something he couldn't do I would understand. I love him and want him to be happy not just myself. My issue is that even though he keeps assuring me that he is coming, even having quit his job of 15yrs three months ago, he never follows through with the steps he should be taking. I see this as resistance but when I express that to him he tells me I'm wrong and I should have more faith in him. I really want to have that faith but it is hard when his words and his actions do not match. If he's coming
here I feel he needs to just do it. The longer he waits the more "scared" I think he gets. And if it really is too hard for him to do then he needs to admit that to me as well as himself. I need to know.

[sasad]

I totally understand the staying close to your kids thing. We don't just move on and forget them when they grow up... especially when you become a grandma etc

It is difficult to uproot. My SO has decided to stay with me in VA even though he just bought a beach home in Florida. It was easier for him without ties, to move. But we do get a vacation home now so its a win-win for us.

He appears to be gun-ho when you are together and falls apart when you are not. Are you his motivation? You both talk, so that is good. Just not on the same page as far as timing. Can you both sit down and come up with an acceptable time line with due dates? Maybe he is one of those task orientated people that need that?

[jeen67]

Thank you. And thank you for understanding about the kids. I feel selfish sometimes but I was completely honest with him about how I felt in moving far from him. We do talk a lot about things and he always starts out positive but then seems to get flustered and frustrated and the conversation usually ends abruptly with no real progress made.

His job was a big factor in the timing, but since he already quit that 3 months ago it's hard for me to understand what is holding him back. Sometimes I'm afraid because I feel so much resistance from him (although he swears it's not resistance) that deep down he knows he can't go through with the move and he's afraid to let me down. I've expressed already to him that if that were the case I would be hurt but would certainly understand. I just need to know.

I think I definitely need to approach him about a definite time line. I just hope it doesn't make him feel too pressured.

[sasad]

Maybe that's what he needs? Ask him if that would make things easier? My SO is so damn task orientated that I just write a list and he is methodical in getting it done.

I don't think you are being unfair at all.. You are not giving him an ultimatum, but just asking for a decision one way or another.

[jeen67]

Although it's hard, I think the best thing I can do is be honest with him about what I need and want and then give him the choice as to whether or not he can come through with that. Only he knows what he truly wants and what he is capable of doing. I think that's the fairest thing for the both of us. We all deserve to live our own truths.

How long have you and your SO been together?

[jeen67]

I'm sorry. I see now you've been dating a year. Glad it's working out for you.

[sasad]

We have known each other for 14 years.. we actually dated back then and worked together. We met up again of linked in about 3 years ago. We used to try to find new places to eat lunch once a month. He decided to move to Florida, and regretted it a month later.. We consider our anniversary to be the day he flew up last May just to tell me he was in love with me... silly man, took him long enough,
I think being older, we look at things differently then younger people ( that and having children) How did you two meet?

[jeen67]

OMG! That was so sweet of him. How romantic. Well we actually met on the Farmers Only dating site. I only joined for a month just to check it out. Wasn't too impressed. Just as I was nearing the end of that month with no plans to renew, he sent me a "flirt". We began messaging each other and quickly realized we had a lot in common and wanted
the same things in our future. Needless to say, I joined for another month!

[jeen67]

About 2 weeks into it I was almost gonna end it because I was really afraid of doing the LD thing. I just thought it would be too complicated. I'm really glad I didn't listen to myself. LOL. He is such a good person and it has been so refreshing having someone I can share all my hopes, dreams and worries with. He's so supportive and caring. It's such a good feeling to be able to share your strengths and weaknesses with each other and not feel judged.

[sasad]

I know right!! It is scary, but at the same time, its nice we can have time for ourselves as well as a couple. I also believe we learn more about each other apart vs together.

[jeen67]

I agree. Definitely a lot of talk time which really helps to give some good insight to each other. The not being together is very hard sometimes though. I especially have a hard time for a week or two after we see each other. I miss him so much.