Should I take the risk?

[Tootsieroll23]

I've been in a "relationship" with a guy I met online for the past two years. I say "relationship" in quotes because I've always been hesitant to give out titles b/c I feel those have to be earned, but I think I was more hesitant moreso b/c we're not even in the same city. He has asked me several times to define what we are, but I would always tell him I'm not doing the title thing right now. But we did EVERYTHING that a boyfriend and girlfriend would do. We've traveled together, had multiple argument sessions, cook together, support each other, buy gifts, and we have certainly learned a bit out each other's personalities. I live in NYC and he lives in MD. We realized things were getting pretty serious during our first year together, so we agreed that I would start making arrangements to move down to MD. Especially since I'm over NY, and definitely don't mind a change. The thing is I recently accepted a new position (about two months ago) with my job (I work for NYS government) and it's a two-year traineeship as a real estate specialist (a field that I am a bit interested in, although my main field is video production and I have a budding side business in that (I don't believe in putting all your eggs in one basket and you should have several sources of income). I didn't discuss the R.E. position with him prior to accepting mainly because we were having issues. He was a bit upset once I told him about it after I accepted, which is understandable and I did apologize for that.

But about a month ago, I discovered that he's been back on that website where we first met and talking to other women!! He apologized profusely and even drove out to NY the same day to come and explain his actions in person. He claims that he only wants me and wasn't out seeking other women with the intent of starting a relationship. He claims he just wanted other ppl to talk about the situation with, and how he needs me there in MD with him. Blah blah blah - I decided that he did need to pay a little, so I told him I needed time to myself b/c that was unacceptable. But, I also felt as though he could've done a bit more to help the situation. He feels that saying sorry and driving out to see me was enough, but I felt he could've sent flowers, he could've handwritten a letter, sent me candy, whatever - something that he doesn't normally do, because he isn't that type of guy. I would've felt a bit better b/c I know that isn't the norm for him, but is trying to show me that he cares and loves me.

He appears to show his love for me more in person, but just how often do we see each other?? Not that often! Maybe once a month and we skype weekly. But his actions as of late have made me even more hesitant to move down. I wrote him a lengthy letter during our time apart explaining how I felt, but after he received it - he still had only one thing on his mind! Me moving down!! He doesn't think we're getting any younger and wants to have a family. (We are 28 btw). I feel as though he wants me to be over the online situation with the other women by now. He seems to think that me moving down would fix the majority of our issues, which it would fix some, but he's not understanding that I need more from him before I do so. He said that if he doesn't see me making progress towards moving down soon that we should go our separate ways. Despite all of this that has occurred recently, he is a good person. But, I'm not totally opposed to leaving this "relationship" honestly (of course I would be sad). I just don't want to feel as though I wasted two years of my life. I understand that you have to take risks in life and I am willing to do that - I'm just wondering if he's the person I should be taking that risk for.

My question to the LFAD community is should I take the risk? Should I begin to look for other positions in MD? The traineeship isn't a major concern to me, but I don't want to uproot my life and things go awry.

[Harlequin]

You've been with him for two years and refused to put a label on the relationship because, for whatever reason, he hasn't "earned" the title of boyfriend yet. You're surprised that, after two years of ambiguity, he maybe wanted to look for something that's definitive? Is it really that shocking?

I think, before you make any plans to move or stay, you two need to talk about your relationship since you two clearly are not on the same page. It's been two years. Either he's your boyfriend, or he isn't. Set up clear and defined parameters for the relationship so that there aren't any more instances of confusion like what seemed to happen. As it stands right now, he doesn't really owe you any of the stuff you're expecting from him. He drove from Maryland to New York in a single day to try to make it up to you, but you won't even call him your boyfriend.
Until you get this mess sorted (and it is a mess), don't even worry about moving anywhere.

[Miasmata]

You're both definitely not committed on the level that's necessary for a big move like that. Sit down, figure things out together, and see if you are ready to commit.

[differentcountries]

What is going on here? Some suggestions:

You are not fully committed to him, so part of him is not that comitted to you. You want him to be the most wonderful boyfriend that ever was, without you feeling obliged to even call this a committed relationship.

You are in denial about the realities of long distance relationships. You seem to confuse his efforts with the distance (it is a bit of a distance, not sure I would want to do that every weekend, 1-2 weekends a month seems reasonable to me) and to gloss over your own efford to visit and stay in touch during the times when you are physically apart. You dont mention Skype, or text, or phone, any other of the means that long distance couples usually resort to.

You want him to go against his nature - write poetic yearnings in the mail when he messes up when he is not a writer

He wants you to go against your nature - move to be with him when you are slow to commit

You are both waiting for the other person to somehow fix everything, instead of having a raw conversation about how each of you are contributing your share to the mess that is unfolding.

There are so many questions;
Do you know each other's family?
Do you know each other's friends?
Do you know his favourite childhood memory?
Does he know what makes you happy?
Did you learn anything from the fights you had?
Do you know each other's views on money and religion?
Have you talked about your dreams for the future?

[sasad]

Yup.... I agree with the others.. There is no commitment at least on your end. And I think at 28, its time to stop playing games. You took a job without talking or discussing it with him, when you were arguing... yet an apology to him was enough... He is talking to others, and drove all the way to NY, a 4 to 6 hour drive easy, and apologized, yet that was NOT enough for you... what more do you need from him? You are not BF/GF...
Figure out what it is you really want and need.. then talk it over with him.
I still think its not fair to hold stuff over him when you don't even have the right to... you don't have a commitment.

[R&R]

I'm also in agreement with the others. You hadn't defined that you were exclusive, so he had every right to be on that site or even out dating if he wished. He asked you multiple times do define it and you wouldn't, so in all reality he is 100% single, no matter that you are acting like a couple. Honestly, he really didn't need to drive out to see you, let alone anything else as you are both SINGLE. He did nothing wrong. The fact that you wanted even more from someone who isn't even your BF/SO - well IMHO you are expecting way too much of him.

You see each other once a month and Skype - honestly, that's pretty good in an LDR - especially what is only a friendship. I haven't seen my SO in almost a year and there are others who have been apart much longer. Sometimes it's easier for people to dedicate their time to you when you visit because they have planned the time and have put the rest of their life aside during the visit. When you are apart, they still have their lives that the need to live and focus on and not just the relationship.

You two definitely need to decide what you want and expect from this relationship and what you want for the future before anyone moves. It seems as of right now, you are both still technically single.

[butterfly1313]

In a very similar situation.

I'm in a similar situation as you however my boyfriend and I have started my immigration visa so that I can move to the US.. (I'm Canadian) and eventually live together. However, the process takes around 6-9 months. During that time I landed an awesome job straight out of school and he did not like that.

He started giving me an ultimatum to quit and move to the US before the visa even completes itself or else he wouldn't be certain if he could wait the full 9 months.

His uncertainty upset me and I am beginning to really like my new job.

My advice to you is to always think of yourself first. Not trying to generalize men, but they tend to focus on their needs in the moment, not realizing the sacrifices and changes you've got to make at the same time.

Since there is no "title" between you two, I suggest you rule out exactly where you two stand. I wouldn't leave your life in NY with no real ground between you and him. If things don't work out you don't want to return home and have to look for a new job etc.

On the other hand, once you've discussed where you two stand and what you are to each other, rule out the risks and advantages you'll have when making this move. Whichever one adds up more should give you an idea of what you should do.