Relationship Problems Before Closing Distance

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hi all.

I haven't said anything about this to anyone on here, but my SO and I are not in a good place right now. We have been together for three years and have been fighting for the day that we get the close the distance for so long, but now that it's here, he doesn't know if he wants it. I am moving there in one month. I have decided that I'm going to go and see what happens no matter what, but it's getting harder and harder when we're basically in this perpetual breakup cycle. We're not together right now, but we also aren't broken up. I guess you could say we're "on a break". We just aren't talking right now until I'm there while staying faithful to one another. It got too hard in the last couple of days and I sent him a message and we talked again and now it's even worse than before. He admitted that he doesn't know if he wants to fight for us anymore. I know things have been hard, but all I was looking for is some kind of confirmation that he isn't going to bail as soon as I get there and he couldn't give me that. I believe with all of my heart that we are meant to be together. This is nothing in the scheme of things, but I am losing my fight. I'm terrified that by the end of the month, I just won't have any left and we will part ways as soon as I get there. I don't know what to do.

The fact that he hasn't broken up with me already means that he is in this. This cycle has gone on for way too long and any person who doesn't love the other would have ended it by now. That gives me hope, but I also am so afraid to hope for anything here. I am the only one putting myself out there and my walls go up more and more every day. I don't know how to make it through the next month without any confirmation that we're going to be okay. I can't keep living in this constant state of anxiety and fear. This is worse than just a breakup because he says things that give me hope and then other things that take every little bit of hope away. I am so very confused and I feel like I'm stuck. He waited too long to tell me that he doesn't want this. The tickets are booked already, and I have a job lined up, but we have to live together for the visa, so we literally can't even take things slow until we're better--if we get better. What do I do? I feel hopeless.

[differentcountries]

It seems from the posts here that a lot of couples are in trouble right before closing the distance. Merging households, coming from two different countries, is not an easy thing.

Such things can happen in a couple's lives from other stressors that puts a damper on the daily love,care and passion; education, work, sickness, babies, money problems and so on. Having dated 3 years, usually the honeymoon phase is over. You know each others and you just want things to work - not be stressful. But life itself can be stressful. If we are patient and wait it out, things can solve themselves. Even if they seem pretty grim at one point.

You say you have a job lined up, that is really great! It seems that you will not have money issues. Also, it might bring you colleagues and a chance to build a network on your own in a new country.

You dont fight over anything specific, that's good. And obviously being together was what you wanted in the first place.

You are going to stay faithful, that will probably help you a lot. "Breaks" that involve starting to date others usually have an ugly ending. You are simply not talking that much while you both feel bad - that feels very uncomfortable, but doesn't have to be bad news. He is sparing you whatever nasty thoughts go on in his head and that he doesnt think you deserve to hear. But he also cant be there for you during this process.

You have some contact. It is not like he is totally opposed to talking. It is just very difficult right now.

I think you are right to be worried, but you also should not be out of hope. You have some very good reasons why this could work out. If you focus on language, too, things could be really good for you.

This is possably not about you at all, but about him and him getting overwealmed and having hard to talk about it. It seems to me that especially boys are not neccesarily tought to express detailed emotions very well, and this makes them close down more easily. It is not a pretty trait, but at least it makes them not act out. You might need to help him with this later - this is useful information to you, that he gets easily overwealmed. I wish you the best of luck.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Thank you for your response. It really does help to have people tell me it's going to be okay and you make some really valid points as to why it will be. I'm just not sure how to get through this next month. How do you survive in a relationship limbo when you're together but not together? I am constantly miserable and I don't know how to snap out of it.

[differentcountries]

Well, I sort of have. Last fall, SO and I were in this place where he had literally looked so stunned at work that people who knew him spoke to him about it (he is usually Mr. Super proffessional sunny face at work) and he had told that that he did not know if we were breaking up. We were very angry with each other, and to make matters worse, my husband was visiting at the time. SO started to say shit like, will you spread roumers about me if we break up, and stuff like that. I simply told him that unless his behaviour became too intolerable, I would stay in the relationship, and that he himself was free to stay or leave as he chose, and that I don't spread roumers about exes (or anyone else). I really think he had a reactive depression to a conflict with his boss, and that I was cought in the fire. The timing was very unfortunate, we was told off by his boss in public on the same day as our 2 year aniversery celebration, and we were already upset that he did not get any time off.

That is now 2/3 year ago. I continued to visit, and we have since met his family in his home town (his family can be pretty harsh, but I only cried once lol. And apparently I make good cakes). He was there for me when my mum got really bad. These last 4 months we have not seen each other (and spoken very little) and work on our seperate sides in starting in in new jobs (for both of us), fixing our economy and so on. I have gotten some new insights into what was the problem when things started to go down south (some were related to money). Perhaps he learned something, too. We are no longer renting together, and making plans for him to come here (for a 2-3 moth "trial run" in the fall, and a 5-6 month stay in the spring if he can get a restuarant job/work permit). His best friend is very likely moving permanently to my city (the friend stays here on a "waiting" visa while awaiting approval for his family reuinon visa). My husband and I are building my life here in ways which I hope my SO will enjoy, when he comes to be a part of it. He opned up a lot to me when the terror attacks were in Istanbul airport, I guess he knows I can stomack his pain. If only the fights in Turkey will cease, I will go there to visit next week. I have a lot of faith in us.

I think feeling bad during the home stretch/being close to closing the distance is very common, I think most posts I have read about it was people being in pain! Often there is less money, less time, less focus on romance and there is the anticipation of new stuff on both sides. While I dont have any practical tips, make sure to take care of yourself physically (eat, drink, sleep, work out, get a massage etc.). Perhaps this will be helpful? https://evegreenow.com/2016/04/06/lo...-home-stretch/

Dont know how you relate to buddhism, I find it very inspiring. Even if I think of myself as Christian, I absolutely love Pema Chodron. I have used this at times where I was very scared about my future (being sick, being in a strange relationship). She uses her life in the book "When things fall apart" and other books how she learned to encompass uncertainty. Here she speaks about the experience and her life lesson from it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEGV...kT8Bzj21aztklp