I don't want to give up everything I have anymore...

[goreycat]

He's in England, I'm in the US, a bit over 5 years of ldr. At first we both assumed I'd move there when possible - he's almost done with a master's degree and has closer family ties than I do, and I prefer being over there.

But things have changed. I sort of fell into a really good, high level management job at a place I love working, with people I like working with, at a decent pay. The sort of thing that could become a career. I don't really want to leave this job, as much as I'm less than thrilled about staying in this country, and we've started considering having him move to here.

He still hasn't finished his degree, and it's in a rather esoteric area without much demand, and he'd like to use it to get into lecturing, which is ... difficult to achieve. And if he moved here, to the area I live in, there would be pretty much no opportunities for him in that.

We seem to have hit a wall where, if we want to be together, one of us is going to have to give up our career path. Logically, mine would be easier to reestablish somewhere else, but the biggest reason I like my current job is because of the company and people, which would be different anywhere else. I'm starting to feel defensive and resentful that I'm expected to give up what I've achieved (doesn't help that I don't have any degree at all), when I actually *have* something going on, rather than a nebulous 'maybe someday when I have my phd'.

I don't know if this is going to end up dooming us, but right now I'm feeling so depressed and hopeless about it.

[Redheart14]

Have you talked to him about these feelings you're having?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

If I have learned anything about closing the distance, it's that you have to be 100% ready and prepared to start a new life there. If in any way you are not moving for you, you will regret it. I moved for my SO and we broke up. Now I'm here and I really, truly panicked in the beginning saying "what the hell did I do this for!?", but after some reflection, I realized that I loved for me, not us. I actually really love it here and am considering staying longer than a year even if we don't get back together. If I didn't want it for me or I had something really good lined up at home or I left something really good, I'm not sure how I would feel now. You really need to evaluate how you're feeling right now because if you move at this point you will end up taking any dislike you have of the situation out on your partner. If you end up in a job you hate after this one, you will resent him. That's a big deal and relationships can't always survive that. I'm not saying that the leap isn't worth it even if it doesn't work out. For me, I was so glad to get the chance to see what happens with us even though we were falling apart. Even now, being here gives us the chance to work on things if he ever decides to try again. It was worth it for me. Please, please just make sure it's worth it for you. Make sure that you would be happy there even if the worst happens and if you won't be, then really talk to your SO about him moving to you. Moving to someone, you give up your whole world. It's not right and it's not fair and there is NEVER a good time, but in the end, you will know if it's right. Listen to that gut feeling.

[arabella]

Hi. I totally agree with MissingMyDutchLove you both have to be ready and prepared for closing the distance. Have you talked with your SO about your worries? What does he say?

Iīm also with my SO for more than 5 years. Over the years we had lots of discussions and plans of how to close the distance. Things didnīt work out as expected, the whole thing was much more difficult than we thought. There were a lot of fears and "what ifīs" on both sides. Now we are finally at the point where we both are equally willing to move (depending who has better job perspectives) and I think thatīs what it needs to make it possible. I keep my fingers crossed for you and I donīt think your relationship is necessarily doomed. You and your SO need to figure out, whether you are willing to leave your comfort zones, but that will also take time.

[BaconGirl05]

I've been with my SO for awhile now and we had to talk about what to do when it comes to closing the distance. We decided it would be more practical for me to move to his country because he had a stable job and was in school. I still have trouble being so far away from my friends and family though. Despite being homesick at times, I know I made the right move. Moving to a new country was for the relationship and also for me personally. I didn't feel as though I'd go anywhere in life with being back home (and I didn't particularly like it there either) So I made a decision that I knew would benefit not just the relationship, but me as well. I've flourished over here and have actually begun making a life for myself.

It's very important to talk to your SO about closing the distance and who's going to make the move. It's especially hard when it involves being in separate countries! One of you has to move and it can be hard because it's like you're leaving your life behind, as well as friends and family. As MissingMyDutchLove said, you have to be 100% sure that you are ready to give up your old life to start a new one. Communication is so important with this kind of thing. You guys need to figure our where you stand on this issue and see who is willing to do what. I wish you two good luck and I hope you figure things out

[hrmionegrngr]

Hi! I relate to this post so much. I am going through something very similar. My SO and I have been apart for 2 years, but together for a total of 9. It's time for one of us to move, but I have a job that I love and my family is here. The thing that makes me want to move though is that despite the job and my family, I am not happy. I spend most of my day miserable (unless I am distracted, which is why work is so great sometimes!). Also, my co-workers are like family, but I have to remind myself that they aren't family. I think it's helpful to think long-term. What do you want with your SO? Marriage, kids, a life together (which definitely does not have to include marriage+kids)? Do you want all of that to start now, or soon, or can you wait? These are things that I am still struggling with, but it's been helpful to talk about these things with lots of people. I've gotten many different perspectives from people that I respect - in addition to talking with my SO. They help me think more clearly. I hope this helps!