How long is the adjustment period?

[Graygray]

Long story short. Me and my SO never really had a plan or the plan was really abstract such as "someday I will move there". Final poin was 2 years ago for me ago but due to various reasons he hasn't been able to move. Well this slowly created some problems in our relationship from my side. I feel like we are some sort of exclusive friends with benefits instead of a relationship that has a future. My so doesn't view it this way but he would be moving here now. The problem is that I'm not excited about him moving here at all. I'm mainly scared, nervous and anxious. Even the thought of going through immigration processes (within EU so piece of cake compared to others) gives me palpatations. I think that it has been too long and unknowingly I have kind of acceped it's not going to happen and I'm not sure I relly want it to happen anymore. We have talked about this several times and I have been Super honest with him.

The thing is that he still wants to move. And since I'm unsure what I want and being in LDR is not gonna give me answers we are thinking of him moving here. If he is fine with doing the immigration work, giving up his rights for social security and all that and this way I can find the answer if we are meant to be long term. How long after moving in together you knew it was the right idea/wrong idea?

I know this sounds harsh and less than ideal. Two years ago I would have been Super excited and over the moon to plan our future that we would spend forever. We don't have arguments or disagreements. This has been slowly growing feeling. I'm just no longer sure what is actual feeling and what is just fear and this is the way to figure it out. My SO knows it and is still willing to do it. I have lived abroad and there were massive differences in the adjustment period so I'm not wanting to expecting a miracle and anything too fast. I also don't want to feel anxious and umcomfortabe for too long either.

[sasad]

Don't move in together. Let him keep his own place and you yours.
If it doesn't feel right, please dont do it. Make plans to do real c dates. Get to know each other all over and see where it goes.
Look deep an see what it is that bothers you. Are you done with this relationshiop? Are you just protecting yourself from hurt? Figuring that out, will help you move ahead ..

[Graygray]

Unfortunately I can't afford to pay for two flats and he can't pay for his own unless he has a job. Unfortunately he can't find a job unless he is here (or it is very unlikely). So moving in together is the only option at least until he gets a job. And that can take a while.

I hate all the options and I have been looking, thinking, processing for months and months. By myself, professionals, friends etc. and I can't separate if I'm done with the relationship or scared of getting hurt. It is something that has been developing for years but manifests now. I kind of want to believe that I'm not done with the relationship since the idea of not being together causes a lot of anxiety. But so does closing the distance. But this would be the way to find out.

As said I'm not happy that we are doing it this way. Continuing long distance is not an option and he can't get his own place at least at the moment. So either he moves in or we break up. Those are unfortunately the options. Not set by me but mutually discussed. 2 years ago I would have been happy about moving and been optimistic but when time went forward I doubted he would ever do it and I accepted it unknowingly. Now that the time is here I'm having very difficult time coping.

[sasad]

Baby, there are always options. Again, you neeed to write it down or figure out what is really in your heart. Yes, we all get excitesd, and a little anxious when are living conditions change. I was used to living with a spouse and 3 kids. I got divorced and found i have a life and it was just me and then my son every other week. Then my SO started staying longer and we talked about moving. Like i really wanted him here, but damn it, i wanted my "freedom" after being a stepford wife for 14 years.
We make it work. We give each other time and agree on space etc. And you know what, I love having him here. I like when he has to go back too.
It's a give and take. You need some ground rules and he needs a job. if you HAVE to live together, then set rules. Give him x days/months to get a job. Make sure you define space and time.
I am not in your head so i cant see where you really are, but to me, it seems like you are really not totally ready for this step.

[Graygray]

I'm absolutely not ready for this step anymore. Problem is that I don't want to break up at least without knowing if it's just the distance that causes this anxiety. Spending a weekend together every 2 months is for sure not giving me the answer. That's why this is the option. We have been doing the international distance thing for over 5 years and I'm at the point where I want to settle down and have my partner to be there to share my life with. I have thought about this so much that the entire mind is clouded with anxiety, fear, confusion, doubt and all that. I'm usually very together and practical person so this is very much unlike me. I've seriously tried everything I can think of to find alternative options and figure out what I want. Just at this frame of mind I can't make any decisions that I am happy with.

I know this is a lot of mememe. But my boyfriend is convinced that we are very good together and it is just the situation and he is willing to move and do all that. I'm not asking him to do that and I think it would be unfair to him. Now he is offering so that's why I'm thinking about it.

In order to be together for longer period of time he has to live with me. As said I can't affort to pay for 2 flats (well I could but I also like eating and electicity ) and him being unemployed means he can't afford one either. and I wouldn't want him to use all his savings for a flat without knowing that there is going to be income. So there would be rules. He has no interests in being unemployed so we would set up a timeline that and he can get a job in his country very easily. I know I have plenty of issues to work on in this subject. I was just kind of wondering that people who has closed the distance how long it took to know that it was the best or worse decision. I know it's not easy and I have to work on changing my attitude and view, but I don't want to feel like I do now for much longer. I would like a solution that we would both be happy with.

[80anthea]

I think you need to decide if it's worth taking the risk or not. Every relationship to some extent is a risk, no-one knows how things are going to work out no matter how sure they are. It is always a big step moving in with someone but this could be the best decision you make. Sadly, none of us can see into the future and see what will happen so you have to decide whether you want to at this time or not.

You said in your OP that you were feeling like exclusive friends with benefits instead of a relationship that has a future, well now he's giving you that option of a future and it sounds like you don't really want it.

[Graygray]

For me the main problem is that we have been together for over 5 years and we have been talking about moving together for 2 years. Due to various reasons that has not happend and I have just accepted it and unknowingly just kept going and built my own independent life just for me. Now that it would actually happen I'm not prepared for it at all anymore.

Honestly, this is the least risky option for me. Technically I don't have to make any other changes other than adjusting. I'm not expecting anyone to tell me what to do or what the future holds. I was just thinking that there has to be other people that have closed the distance and I was thinking how long for them it took to adjust to the new situation.

[sasad]

Welp- each situation is different. Every person is different, so that being said, there is no set time for adjustment period. We cant tell you what the time period will be..you need to address all your issues and just make sure you talk things through.

There is a honeymoon type period for people when they start off together. Again, it could be 4 days or 4 months or a year plus. After that, reality kicks in. One leave the Ishtar on. All.thie.time. Another throws cloths on the floor and always misses the hamper. All the annoyances start to kick in. You need to learn to pick your fights, and will learn how to push each other's buttons. This is all normal and part of learning how to deal with each other as well as conflict resolution.

Will yours work and make i? I don't know. How long will it take? Again, it depends on you both. Don't hold grudges, learn to compromise, keep your own self , and communicate.

[sunmat]

EDIT: Deleted

[R&R]

In April 2008, I made the move from the East Coast to the West Coast (3,000 miles). We were married two weeks after my arrival. I went into the move with excitement and looking forward to the new chapter. September of 2009, I was back in NH and divorced the next year. We are still great friends and he is an amazing man. However, being away from my children, the culture shock and hating where I lived ended up being too much.

That being said, I will be moving to Texas with my SO (husband) end of this year or beginning of next year. My children are grown and my oldest has decided to move with me. Flights home are much less expensive and I think at this chapter in my life, I am ready. Again, I am looking forward to it and hope all goes as planned. If not, he is willing to move back to NH with me.

As you can see, even when it's what you want, things can still go awry. The fact that you don't even want it anymore is setting yourself up to fail before the distance is even closed. I would say that you need to be 100% honest with your SO before he makes this life-changing move. I know you have said you've talked about it, but reinforce how you feel. Is he prepared, that if after 4, 6, 8 weeks of him being there, it ends up too much and you want him out that he can move back home? He needs to be financially prepared for this before he makes any sort of move.

[Graygray]

Thanks guys!

Sun,your situation sounds chappy and there is a lot of pressure. Hope it works out. Thanks for the advise. I know you said to think. But I will think on paper underneath 😁

1) he would just head back home. He could easily get a job there. Unless obviously his job here would be amazing. Only reason he is moving here is because of me. Otherwise he would not even have visited the country. He does say that he enjoys the way of life here but let's face it...this
Place is no one's dream destination but it is home. I've tried to ask him if he would regret moving if something happened but he feels like he is not giving anything up. I have hard time understanding how it is not a big deal for him and I kind of don't think he has taught this through.

2) we have been talking about this quite a lot. In his eyes I have no flaws. Sweet as an idea but obviously delusional. I on the other hand can think of million things. They are just so layered. There are the massive things like trust and compatibility and overall insecurity. Then there is the mid level of him not noticing stuff, indecisiveness (ironic..i know). And then the mundane level of not taking out the trash. We have thins problem that he can't understand the big picture and he is very literal.

I wish I wouldn't have been so understanding of his work and would have said that I wanted the move to happen 1,5 years ago. Now it just got too far. My fear short term is that we are settling for an OK relationship. We have nice time together, we get along, we don't argue we have decent sex. There is nothing wrong with the time we spend together. It's just that it used to be great and now it's more meh. No I don't expect relationship to be super passionate always but I want more than 'could be worse'. I do care about him a lot. Just now it's hard to separate all the feelings from each other.

[lucybelle]

When my SO moved in with me I almost vomited when I went to get him from the airport. One month in he wanted to move back to his country. This year we celebrated 4 years of marriage.

It's nerve wrecking, it doesn't always work, and I think going in with that knowledge will work for you on the long run. Best of luck.

[Graygray]

When my SO moved in with me I almost vomited when I went to get him from the airport. One month in he wanted to move back to his country. This year we celebrated 4 years of marriage.

It's nerve wrecking, it doesn't always work, and I think going in with that knowledge will work for you on the long run. Best of luck.

Thanks! Did he stay even after wanting to go home? Or did he head back home and you gave it another try?

I have accepted that it doesn't always work but I'm kind of worried that I won't know for sure and I will be on this weird limbo or uncertainty. The past 4 months have been really horrible since the anxiety over this subject affects my life. Obviously I can't know this beforehand but I like to be prepared to k know if it will be months or years before I know how I feel.

I'm trying to not over think and worry beforehand. But you can see it is working out great 😁