Having many doubts about this relationship and closing the distance, please help!

[ILoveYou22]

Me and my LDR boyfriend reconnected last summer after many years without seeing each other (we dated briefly years ago), and we now live in different countries.

We started talking online and then I went to my country and hometown on holidays (where he is) in August and we had a great time together. At the time I asked him how is it going to be this between us with the distance and he said he doesn't like or want to make any plans.

We continued talking online and he mentioned once when I talked about it, that he wouldn't mind to move to where I live in the future, and I said to him that he visiting me here would be important for him to see that, since he has never been here before.

Then 2 weeks ago he visited me here in the UK and we spent a nice week together. He said once casually that he would like to move here in the future, but there was no conversation about it. The only thing we actually talked about was making plans to see each other when I go to my country for Christmas.

I just don't feel comfortable in this situation. He mentioned in the summer he doesn't like to make plans, but after visiting me here and staying in my house and saying he wants to move here in the future, shouldn't we start making plans to actually close the distance?

I'm not saying we have to plan every single detail at this point, but we should be excited to talk about it. He should want to make plans with me. Especially having this distance between us. To me, making plans for a future together IS an important part of a relationship.

Because only making plans to see each other next is what happens in a casual relationship when two people are not interested in anything else than spending some time together and that's it.

This makes me feel insecure and question if he has doubts about our relationship, that's why he doesn't want to make any plans. Or maybe he is affraid of commitment.

Anyway to me making plans and talking openly about it is a key thing and I feel that by not talking about it "because he doesn't like to make plans", I am compromising in something that is important to me and makes me feel bad. And this is a red flag.

I feel like I am just waiting for him to decide when to move or how to do things when he feels like it, that I have no active part in this. It's like instead of a relationship, we are simply two people together, there is no whole if you know what I mean.

I feel I need to have a serious conversation with him about this and put the cards on the table. But on the other hand I also feel it is sad that I need to say these things to him. I would expect that someone that loves me to much and wants to live with me, would naturally want to make plans with me without the need of having this sort of conversation. It should happen organically and naturally.

But I guess I need to have the conversation and see where I stand.

Any advice guys? Thank you.

[erwin1973]

I can understand your point of view. What I miss in this story, is if you already talked with you bf about why he seems to be not overly excited. Did you talk with him about that? Since you left your country, you know how hard it can be to leave everything behind, and may be that fear is what makes him hesistant about it. He might want, but he might also be afraid at the same time.

Or he just needs time to make up his mind about emigrating.

My advice, before you start overthinking, is to plan a chat with him about it. Prepare yourself, write down some questions you definately want to ask, be understanding when he is afraid of moving, and see where you can go from there.

I wish you luck.

[Rezie]

You started dating end of July so it has been only 4 months. I can understand not wanting to make definate plans yet. Saying thigs like "I'd like to live here" in my opinion gives an indication he is thinking about it but is not ready to promise you that he will move. Yes you need a plan to close the distance (if that's what you want) but it's been quite a short time to make those big moves. I got a feeling he is in the "getting to know" phase and you are on the "let's make a commitment" phase. I feel like you are pushing for making a plan too soon.

[ILoveYou22]

I think the reason for me to feel insecure is because right in the summer when we reconnected he told me straight into my face: "I am not the type of person to make plans or plan anything, I just go along."

Saying that was like putting a wall straight up and made me feel insecure. And that feeling has lasted since. I was hoping to make plans when he came over to visit me, but again, nothing. He only makes plans for next holidays and that's it.

I know it is too soon and I am not saying to make definite plans or have to plan every single detail, and it's not even planning, but even dreaming! Dreaming about a future together, how our house is going to be, how we would like to spend our weekends together, if we have a dog or a cat, etc. Those kind of things that create a bond.

To me his lack of making plans or dreaming together makes me feel insecure and makes me question if he really wants something serious.

[erwin1973]

Some people do live in the here and now, and don't dream (as much as others). Apperantly, he is not a dreamer and you are (more of) a dreamer. You can either accept the fact that on this you're opposites or let it get in between you.

Remember a relationship is about treasuring the simularities and respecting the differences.

[ILoveYou22]

Some people do live in the here and now, and don't dream (as much as others). Apperantly, he is not a dreamer and you are (more of) a dreamer. You can either accept the fact that on this you're opposites or let it get in between you.

Remember a relationship is about treasuring the simularities and respecting the differences.

What makes me cringe with him is the amount of plans he does for his own life as in "I want to do this in my house", or "I plan to do this at my work", etc. He has got lots of plans for his life, his house, his work, etc, that he shares with me.

Plans and dreams for our life together? ZERO.

To me is not enough to say he wants to move here next to me "one day". That is the same as saying "yeah I want to go to the moon one day". Is nothing.

I want to make plans together, even if they are not set in stone or not going into specific details at this point. But making plans for a future together makes me feel secure and in in relationship with him. We are together looking towards something that is ours. Not just planning the next holidays.

It just amazes me how he has so many plans for his own life in his country and zero in regards to us. That says a lot.

[erwin1973]

As Rezie said, may be he is not ready yet for that. May be he is still getting to know you, or thinks 4 months is too short to plan ahead of that.

As I already asked: did you ask him why he doesn't talk about your future together? We're no mindreaders, you know, so we don't know why he is doing or not doing things, what he thinks or wants... The best way to find out, is ask him.