Going back to his county tomorrow...not really looking forward. Help!

[lizarina11]

Hi all,
This is my first post and I'm so glad I found you all. No one really understand until your in it.

I'm moving back to Amsterdam to be with Olaf tomorrow...and I kind of don't want to go.

Back story, I'm American and he's dutch. We met on a group vacation in Thailand. We met half way in NYC. We then decided I would move to Amsterdam and become an au pair for a year so we could date in the same city. I lived with the family and then with him and his family on the weekends. I've finished with the au pair family and came back to the US for 2 months for christmas and to help with my dying grandma.

I'm going back tomorrow, living together and waiting for my partnership visa. Honestly though, I didn't love it over there. I'm having a really hard time with the language. I haven't made any friends and he is more of a homebody and doesn't really have friends either. I am outgoing and love theatre (which I can't really do there). I've lost a lot of confidence not being comfortable.

Is it so bad that I'm sick of being an outsider. I miss my friends, theatre, my job, which I can't do over there, my big family.
I did a lot of thinking while I was home and realized that is not the life I want to life. I don't want to miss life events here, I don't want my kids to speak better dutch then me ect..

So I am trying to convince him to come here to the USA. I know it's difficult. The easiest way is to get married but I don't want to force it. I told him I would give him 3 months of us living together there. We can see if we can live together and to make it to 1 year at his job. He works in finance so I don't think he would have a problem getting a job here.

He's a big family person and so am I. He only has about 4 people that he is really close to and can come over a lot easier then my parents (and 7 siblings). But I know it would be a huge sacrifice to leave his county. He loves it there, rides his bike to work in a suit and everything. He's not to keen on us lazy fat americans, well, we are the laughing stalk of the world right now.. I literally live in a city called Holland, with windmill island dutch village and all! He has visited twice, in the summer, and christmas and liked it enough but wants a big city like Chicago. I think that would defeat the purpose because I don't want to make new friends and job family ect..

He says after 3 more months there he is willing to try it here on a 3 month holiday visa this summer and hopefully he can do odd jobs to see what life would really be like..but after that we would have to already be in the process of the K1 engagement visa.

Am I crazy? do you think he actually will come and try it here? What if he hates it? I don't want to rush into a not ready marriage. But I feel like I am putting my life on hold here to wait for him.

I've been battling with the question 'Is love enough?'

[Isfahan]

I'd suggest you give it a try. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that your main issue is that you are having troubles adapting to the "new" country and culture, rather than not liking the Netherlands altogether.
Sure, moving to a new country is never easy and not having friends of your own and not speaking the language well can be really frustrating. But you are lucky enough that Amsterdam is home to LOTS of expats, so you could go out and try to make new friends through some expat group or club. It could be a good place for you to start from and create a nice English-speaking support group to help you overcoming the cultural differences (and vent about Dutch stuff that drive you crazy with people that understand you, sometimes that can help too ). Also, I think that in Amsterdam there is a huge offer of classes and activities in English, try have a look! Btw, do you know Boom Chicago by any chance? It's a theatre that organizes plenty of comedy shows in English, you might enjoy it. Maybe they organize some meetings too

I don't know what is your Dutch level so what I say might be useless to you, but I'd suggest you try to take some language classes if Dutch is a problem. I have lived in the Netherlands for two years and since I didn't really need to learn Dutch (my uni classes were all in English), I ended up not picking up much of the language, and I gotta say, I really really regret that. Start from the small things. You don't have to aim for fluency right away. Even learning a few words or the most common phrases, just enough so that you don't have to switch to English all the time, can make a huge difference.

Go out, meet other expats, find occasions to do something you love and practice your hobbies. Give yourself some time to get adapted to the country and culture. Try and see if you notice small improvements over the time, whether you feel more comfortable or not. It does take a lot of patience, but it can be worth a shot. Then, if you realize that you are still unhappy and this is not the life for you, if you miss home and believe that you would be much happier in the US than in the Netherlands, do talk with your boyfriend and discuss about what to do next.

Best of luck!

[Caro1]

Hi there,

I think Isfahan already gave a bunch of useful tips, so I just want to add something to this:

He says after 3 more months there he is willing to try it here on a 3 month holiday visa this summer and hopefully he can do odd jobs to see what life would really be like..but after that we would have to already be in the process of the K1 engagement visa.

I'm assuming he is traveling on ESTA as a Dutch citizen (the visa free entry to the USA for tourism purpose), which is good for a stay of 90 days.

With ESTA, he is under no circumstances able to work in the USA as he has no employment authorization document (EAD). And he also can't file for one either. Getting any job, odd or not, is illegal and can result in a ban of him entering the USA.

Overstaying the 90 days (and 3 months are not equal to 90 days) can also result in a ban.

If he comes on a K1, he still can't work until gets the EAD, which he can only file for after entering the USA and getting it takes another 3-9 months from the filing date.

The only way to obtain the EAD right away (= when entering the USA) is through a job sponsored visa (meaning he needs a US employer to sponsor him) or through the marriage based visa (CR1).

[lizarina11]

Thanks all,

I'm here and trying to make the best of it but am already home sick. will keep at it!

[Rezie]

Sometimes it not the place itself but it's the *abroad*. home is a feeling. When you feel like a foreigner and get treated like one it is hard to feel at home. Some people love the feeling of being in a new place where as some people love knowing exactly how things work out.

It is perfectly ok not to like living in the netherlands. If you have no repsonsibilities that stop you from going there I would do the three months or possibly a year. It is possible that he doesn't want to do USA but there is a possibility that he will. If you don't go you will regret it and wonder what if. If you don't like it there after a proper try andd he won't come to the states then you have something to work with. But you seem to have agreed that he will give it a try for 3 months. Has he given you a reason to not to trust him? As for if he comes to USA. You will have to compromise a bit with his desires on the location.

Me and my boyfriend are on the "trial" period. I came to his country with a thought that I enjoy it here but I don't see mysef building "forever" in here. It has been 4 months and I still think I'll be very happy in here for a few years but I don't see myself growing old here, raising a family etc. so we are in a similar situation trying to figure out relationship and logistics. I'm happy to live abroad anywhere for a time but i also enjoy being in my home country knowing how things work, not having to think all the time the proper conduct etc. and enjoying the easiness and feeling of belonging.

Your life is not on hold waiting for him since you are there and you are together and you have a plan. You try 3-12 months. He tries 3 months and then you figure it out. I don't think love is enough but it is a good place to start. It ok to not want to live abroad. I wouldn't reccomend marriage until you have properly established where you want to be and that you want to be together.