It's been a few months since I moved out and I'm actually doing alright now, enough that I can post this, in hopes that if you guys reach that amazing moment of booking a one-way ticket, you might avoid some of our mistakes.
LDRS can definitely work, if you are the right people for eachother. It's important to remember that closing the distance is only the first step for the rest of your relationship. You will go through the growing pains any couple does when they move in together, but being in a foreign country adds a level of pressure. We were young (well, I'm not that young) but we made some very naive choices that could have been avoided with some introspection and pragmatism. Love alone, is not enough.
My biggest, most important lesson learned was trust your intuition. If you have any anxieties about the move, really hash out a solution with your partner. You can talk for hours a day without really communicating.
Don't keep things from your partner! My ex lied to me about quitting smoking- smoking is a dealbreaker and he had told me he had quit very early on. When I moved, that wasn't the case. He also hid a gambling problem that cost him a shitload of money. I lost trust very fast. He also lied about other things that just made me feel like I had been tricked.
Hardcore job search before you get there. I did this, but I did not anticipate the crippling anxiety upon landing that kept me spinning my wheels. After he came clean about his addiction I spiraled myself into a depression as well, and the strain of me living on savings really did not help our relationship. I was in denial about how tough it would be to adjust to the culture and job hunt, and made a lot of rookie mistakes. I highly recommend paying someone to look over your resume, because your resume needs to have the same format as the local country and why not take all the help you can get! I was stupid about this.
Really ask yourself, If you had not put the amount of time that you have into the relationship, and just started dating a few months ago, would you still be dating them? This was my ultimate dealbreaker. He had changed so much, and because of the distance, I had turned a blind eye to it. I had projected a version of him that shattered when I moved there. I stayed for 7 months and tried to make things work, but in the end I could see that our relationship had run its course. I had doubts but ignored them. I brushed things under the rug that I really needed to face before moving, and that shit will come back to haunt you.
Sunk cost fallacy is a real thing, where people misinterpret the value of something as higher than it is because of how much time/money they sink into it. It is ok to walk away from something that is making you unhappy, nomatter how much time you have put into it. When we broke up I felt like I had failed. I cried and moped around in a hostel for a week, but then I felt lighter, and knew I had made the right choice.
I don't regret doing the LDR, I only regret that I wasn't honest with myself earlier. I learned a shit ton about myself and about navigating a relationship. I got to see a new country, I met some amazing people on my travels after we broke up, and now I get to go home and carve out a life for myself.
I hope this did not discourage anyone. I truly think LDRS can work if you are both 99% committed AND both 99% sure that this is what you want. I'm not opposed to one in the future. This is just one unhappy ending in a sea of happy ones, and I truly wish you guys all the best.
LDRS can definitely work, if you are the right people for eachother. It's important to remember that closing the distance is only the first step for the rest of your relationship. You will go through the growing pains any couple does when they move in together, but being in a foreign country adds a level of pressure. We were young (well, I'm not that young) but we made some very naive choices that could have been avoided with some introspection and pragmatism. Love alone, is not enough.
My biggest, most important lesson learned was trust your intuition. If you have any anxieties about the move, really hash out a solution with your partner. You can talk for hours a day without really communicating.
Don't keep things from your partner! My ex lied to me about quitting smoking- smoking is a dealbreaker and he had told me he had quit very early on. When I moved, that wasn't the case. He also hid a gambling problem that cost him a shitload of money. I lost trust very fast. He also lied about other things that just made me feel like I had been tricked.
Hardcore job search before you get there. I did this, but I did not anticipate the crippling anxiety upon landing that kept me spinning my wheels. After he came clean about his addiction I spiraled myself into a depression as well, and the strain of me living on savings really did not help our relationship. I was in denial about how tough it would be to adjust to the culture and job hunt, and made a lot of rookie mistakes. I highly recommend paying someone to look over your resume, because your resume needs to have the same format as the local country and why not take all the help you can get! I was stupid about this.
Really ask yourself, If you had not put the amount of time that you have into the relationship, and just started dating a few months ago, would you still be dating them? This was my ultimate dealbreaker. He had changed so much, and because of the distance, I had turned a blind eye to it. I had projected a version of him that shattered when I moved there. I stayed for 7 months and tried to make things work, but in the end I could see that our relationship had run its course. I had doubts but ignored them. I brushed things under the rug that I really needed to face before moving, and that shit will come back to haunt you.
Sunk cost fallacy is a real thing, where people misinterpret the value of something as higher than it is because of how much time/money they sink into it. It is ok to walk away from something that is making you unhappy, nomatter how much time you have put into it. When we broke up I felt like I had failed. I cried and moped around in a hostel for a week, but then I felt lighter, and knew I had made the right choice.
I don't regret doing the LDR, I only regret that I wasn't honest with myself earlier. I learned a shit ton about myself and about navigating a relationship. I got to see a new country, I met some amazing people on my travels after we broke up, and now I get to go home and carve out a life for myself.
I hope this did not discourage anyone. I truly think LDRS can work if you are both 99% committed AND both 99% sure that this is what you want. I'm not opposed to one in the future. This is just one unhappy ending in a sea of happy ones, and I truly wish you guys all the best.
I am. I'm taking this year for myself.
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