Anxious about Closing the Distance

[agarcia]

Hi everyone,

I met my boyfriend in November 2016 and we started dating in December 2017. He lives in Canada and I live in Arizona. We try to see each other every other month.
We've talked about moving in together, but neither of us wants to live in either Canada or Arizona. We've settled on either California, Oregon, or Idaho in 2020. I'm terrified. I am incredibly close to my family, have great friends, and I am very comfortable here. Then I question, well what if we move in together and we end up not working out? I will leave my entire life to be with him and it is scary to think that there is a possibility of it not working.
It's hard for me to make friends, so I'm nervous about that too. I just hate questioning if this is all worth it because I really do love him. It's just hard knowing I basically have to choose between him or my family/friends.
What do I do to calm myself down about this?

[Michelle]

Uprooting and moving your life away from family and friends and everything that is familiar to you is a hard thing to do! I think a lot of people struggle with that. When Frank and I closed the distance in 2011, we ended up moving to a city a little over 3 hours from my family and about 2 hours away from his. I had a harder time than Frank did. It definitely put a damper on the joy of finally closing the distance at first. I surprised myself and adapted very well though as I became more familiar with the city. Instead of planning trips to see Frank like I had for the past 5 and a half years, we instead planned trips to see one another’s family and friends. I can say though, with time, the goodbyes to family and friends were easier than saying goodbye to Frank.

You still have a lot of time; a lot can change between now and 2020. So I wouldn’t waste too much energy worrying about the exact details of closing the distance. In the first 2 years Frank and I were dating, he told me he absolutely did not want to live in Maine, and our initial plan was for me to move to Massachusetts. That ended up changing of course, because he is living in Maine now! And not only that, he now prefers Maine to Massachusetts and feels life here is less stressful. He also thinks the state is overall more beautiful and is happy we have made our life here together.

Even if it doesn’t work out, you will have given your relationship a fair chance, and you’ll have your friends and family at home to fall back on. You can always go back.

[differentcountries]

You dont have to decide everything about the future right now. You want to live together, so it is really his place, your place or a 3rd location. For us, in an international relationship where are countries dont cooperate, it is really my place, his place or we have to become "love refugees" in Sweden (because they are in the EU, living there for a while means you have different rules for income). He preffers to come here,he is educated in food and businiss so he can work in restaurants, hotels etc. But the first years, I have to provide for him while he gets to A2/B1 level in my language. He has only visited once, so I want him to visit this year or next year before we make a final decition. He is also trying to learn the language more on his own to get a head start.

If you dont make friends easily, maybe dont make the move at the same time as him relocating. Because you will use time to settle in, and you will also need money/a job to organize the relocation, and to find a social scene that you fit into. It makes sense if you move there first. But what will you do for a living? Do you have education/work experience/skills that easily translate into a job there? Is it possible to make some friends online etc. before moving there? Have you compared the 3 states as to where it would be easier to get a job? Because you will need one or prefferably 2 full time jobs if you are going to afford visiting both his family/friends, and your family/friends, for the years to come. Have you talked about how often you want to visit, and calculated how much money you will need to set aside to see your folks every year? Do you know how much vacation time you would get in the jobs in that state? Those things are something to consider. Thankfully, when my guy moves here, we will only need to travel to one place for vacations.

[ldrhealer]

It's okay to be terrified since you have a comfortable and familiar life at home. I think the nerves are a sign there are better and bigger things to come out of your relationship especially when taking the step to talk about where to live together. That is so exciting! I was feeling the same things as you about 6 years ago when my partner and I made the decision to move out of our homes and in together where we both lived in different cities. It was the biggest risk we took haven't had much time physically together but we knew we had a strong connection and loved eachother, this next move was a natural progression to making up for lost time of not being around eachother. It turned out to be the best decision for our relationship in terms of getting to know each other on a deeper level ans strengthening our connection as a team. To calm you nerves, you have to think, "whats the worst that can happen?" ok so if it doesn't work out between you two, you just stop everything you're doing in the city, pack up your stuff and go back home to your family and comfort life. You always have a choice. Secondly, i think the making friends shouldn't be a focus, wherever you go, there are people, some you like, some you don't, friends always come and go anyway so there's always people to meet but you don't necessarily need that many friends to live a good life and survive. The main point here is if you both love each other and are willing to make it work, you will. If things turn sour, you always have home, your family and friends back at home. Life is what you make of it. What if it turns out to be the best decision ever and you both build a life elsewhere that you love? Would it be worth taking the risk?