Imbalance after closing the gap: I cannot do it all :(

[tink]

Let me start this by saying, that I love my partner and that I appreciate him so much. I am posting this hoping to get advice and tools, that will help our relationship.

We were only long distance for a few months after being together for a 10 months.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently moved from North America to Europe to be with me. He is learning the language, started a job and is settling in after the first few months.

By nature I am the more energetic, impatient, dominant, loud, but also more responsible person. He is relaxed, gentle, positive and optimistic, sometimes lazy, but has a heart of gold. We complement each other well and are aware that we live at ‚different speeds‘ a lot.

Ever since my partner got here I have basically been responsible for everything. I’ve organized every single thing, from as big as finding a suitable language course and organizing papers for his visa application, to telling him where to go get groceries or helping him buy a SIM card. I know that I tend to control everything and just take over, but in the past I was able to hold myself back, be patient, give him the time to do things at his pace. Recently though, I haven’t been able to do that anymore. I get frustrated, I had multiple breakdowns where I just cry and feel so extremely exhausted. I have a full time job with responsibility where people need answers from me all day long, then after I have to give information to my boyfriend, then when we see say my family they talk to us but I still have to talk for him when it gets more complex or because he is self-cautious about his language skills.

I am exhausted. I feel like the most horrible human being and ungrateful saying this, but sometimes I feel like I am taking care of a child, not my boyfriend.

We have talked about this a lot. I have told him that I need him to step up a bit and take charge of things. I can’t take all the responsible for everything all the time. He feels under pressure, like I judge his decision making and just do what I think is right. I’m sure he’s not wrong. I’ve reached a point where there is no patience left and I’m having such a hard time not getting frustrated.

I 100 % understand and was aware, that by nature of the situation, I would take over a lot of tasks and help set him up here. However, I think he has gotten so used to me handling everything, he doesnīt bother taking resposibility for anything anymore. Which has led to me getting annoyed with tiny things like when he asks what I wanna do in the evening, what I want for dinner, etc. He is considerate, but in my head I think "please, just please make one decision and just decide anything for the two of us. I am exhausted of making all the calls all the time."

I just don’t know how to encourage him to be more proactive without criticizing him or making him feel bad. I don’t know how to regain patience and stop overthinking everything. I hate the role of the nagging, unsatisfied girlfriend and I don’t want to be like this.

I‘m optimistic it’ll get better since he started a job recently and is gaining some independence. But what if this doesn’t change anything?

Don’t get me wrong, I love him more than anything and I appreciate it so much, than he came to Europe to be with me. But I need some skills to get us out of these roles. It’s taking away the ease, the fun of our relationship.

Please help if you have any advice. Please, if you had similar experiences, share.

[C.C.]

I don't know your situation and my perspective will have lots of assumptions.

First of all, I do think that you have enabled this situation and both of you are at fault for this. Seeing your age, I assume he's around the same and has lived his adult life independently in Canada, right? If it is so, and if despite his lax attitude things have used to work out there, this might be partly him not being used to German lifestyle and not getting into the groove of the things there. For example, German is not that hard to learn imo, but speaking it must be hell for a foreigner. Generally now matter how well people understand the foreign language they are learning, speaking skills always come later and through experience and confidence. Also, I have heard so much complaints about German bureaucracy that I don't blame him for not getting it right. The problem is that you are not his "help centre". He should be seeking help to figure these things out but not only and mainly from you, you are his partner and that line needs to be drawn heavily imo.

When I say it's both of your faults and you have enabled it, I mean, let go. I get you really well because I am the control freak as well and someone who has to know all the plans and considers all the possible case scenarios but, stop involving yourself in his things. Especially now that he has a job, the visa situation is way more relaxed, right? He might struggle, yes, and I am not saying what he is doing right now is okay, it's not, but instead of waiting for him to change while you are still doing everything for him, stop. Put him in a situation where he needs to handle himself. Being in a foreign country might be scary yes but he needs to face things and be independent and find his own rhythm that works with all this. For example, he has to submit some paperwork? Don't help him actively. If he asks about what something means, tell him. But if he asks how to do something, just tell him to find out on his own. There are online boards and groups with other expats who have dealt with those things, also I am sure he could call or go in person and ask for help. It's just more comfortable to ask you, a native who happens to be his partner, but it's not good for the relationship and he needs to understand that.

I don't know why he is like that, by the way, he might be spoiled, it might be character flaw. But it's nothing he can't learn out of if he is willing, imo. He seems considerate and nice too. I just think when it's so deeply ingrained, switch won't happen randomly unless the situations force him to be independent and being more clear with the lines and what he has to do is going to be more productive. I mean don't leave him alone completely in this and assure/comfort him if he needs it but he needs to be the main "doer" of things.

I hope any of this helps, I don't have similar experiences or anything so take everything with a grain of salt but this is the impression I got. Also I am dating someone from German speaking world myself and this might as well be my future situation at some point (me moving and struggling to figure anything out there) so I took it from that perspective as well.

[tink]

Thank you for your response, itīs much appreciated.

I have thought a lot about it since I posted it here and I think letting go and becoming less active myself will help.

don't know why he is like that, by the way, he might be spoiled, it might be character flaw.

Partially he is is just relaxed and optimistic by nature. A "everything will be alright" kind of guy. But also he grew up with helicopter partens, who micro-managed him for a long time. He moved out when he was 18 and has lived on hiw own being just fine, but he certainly was used to having someone to do those things for him.

I think I just need to slow down, step back and learn to be more patient. Otherwise Iīll drive him crazy and myself. He will do the things he needs to do at his pace.

German life generally speaking is more dynamic, more hectic than life in Canada (very, very generalized, will not apply for everyone and everywhere). People are to the point, direct, the bureaucracy is hell. I know that, hence stress out about all of this - but maybe I need to hold on a little more to my travel/living abroad self