Future plans up in air now?

[Hopefulromantic23]

When me and my S.O. committed to an exclusive long distance relationship 7 months ago we were caught up in a whirlwind. We has already been talking for a year online as friends at that point. Grew closer. He’s made 4 visits so far (as of now). Had only had 2 visits when he was initially excited about a plan. He said he would move here in a year. He was actually really excited about it. We have taked about living together and eventually getting married. Now as time has gone on, he still says he will move here but cannot think about moving right now or even think about the future. It seems unlikely that he will be here in a years time now. He gets upset or annoyed when you even bring such a thing up. Our actual relationship is doing well and we have told each other we love one another. Why the change of heart? Is he scared? He says he wants things to happen on their own time but hes not stupid he WILL move EVENTUALLY. It’s frustrating. He does not want a plan and changes the subject. He knows I’m who he wants to be with. He makes excuses about family and work right now and says there’s just too much on his plate.

Should I drop it? Bring it up in a couple years and be like “if you’re not making plans to come here now, shi* or get off the pot?” . I love him so much. But he lives 8hrs away and works 6 weeks at a time so can only visit like 3-5 days every other month. Being that we see each other so little I am convincing myself he just wants to take stuff slow now so he can get to know me better and know for sure he won’t be making a mistake if he moves here. Is that naive?

Also he has no kids. I have a young daughter. Thats why he said he would move here.

They have met and both get along well.

[SDPersona]

Hello!

Well, no one can tell you why he had a change of heart. He may be scared or he may not. Maybe there is something else going on that is on his mind. Maybe he is not as satisfied with your relationship, but doesn't want to come out and say it. Who knows? Not people on the Internet, for sure. The point is that you will have to ask him yourself if you're not alright with how he behaves and he's the only one who can give you an answer. After that you will have to figure out whether that answer is satisfactory. If not... you figure out if you want to stay or go. Are you alright with dating long-distance and how long? Are you satisfied? LDRs can be great, but it only works and is satisfactory for people who see an advantage in it and both have agreed to either have it open-ended or until a certain date. And LDRs do need plans - especially for when and how it should transition to a CDR. Love alone is never going to carry that.

You have 50% percent of say in your shared future and you both need to negotiate until both of you are satisfied. So talk to him and negotiate.

[Hopefulromantic23]

Talking to him at this point will not happen. He will shut me down. I just don’t know if it’s foolish to wait and see if things change.

[autumn1790]

Seven months is a very short time to commit to something for the rest of your life, even when you've known someone for a year. It somewhat sounds like promises were made in the honeymoon phase, and then real life happened. If it was me, I'd try not to get impatient and focus on taking the relationship one day at a time. Get ready for the future by focusing on today, if that makes sense. Wishing you the best!

[Hopefulromantic23]

A bit of wishy washy behavior over the last few months. He was in a good mood the other day so I brought up the idea of having a plan and he said how would a year sound. I’m sure things will change over time. The day after he was joking about engagment rings? Don’t understand him. Next week his mood will change on the whole thing lol.

[2Rocky]

From a guy's perspective: We want to commit to actionable items that we can do something about RIGHT NOW. Absent the thought that you are DOING something about a future goal it is frustrating at best.

If there is something that HAS to happen BEFORE closing the distance, such as graduating, having a job lined up, etc. then that prerequisite has to be the goal.

Doing otherwise is putting the cart before the horse so to speak, and is frustrating because the prerequisite feels like an obstacle rather than a step.

Focus on the next visit. Make the most of that time. If you have a deadline in your mind, that is a good face to face discussion topic. But rather than WHEN are you going to move, make it "what do you want to happen before you move if you were to move?"


I remember when ML and I had the conversation about what her "moving trigger" would be. It was her son's high school graduation. I'd wanted her to move the summer prior but she insisted her son finish his HS career where he started. It actually made me more committed because I felt that she was going about this in a thoughtful (rather than emotional) manner.

[Hopefulromantic23]

We had discussed months ago what that looked like that he wanted to buy a house first. Which meant saving money, buying a house, and eventually finding a job closer. That it might take years. Then he just kind of started changing the timeline on his own. Shorter, longer, shorter, longer until he was so stressed he dropped it completely. To be fair his dad was sick at the time and he was dealing with some other issues so he may have been overwhelmed and confused. Ive learned since to kind of just drop the idea. But i felt like i should address it somewhat with a longest possible timeline so i felt like the distance could be more manageable and said we could discuss it later if we needed to change it. I said 2-3 years and he said 1 year now. So I don’t know. Hes also joking about proposing a lot. Its kinda strange. I don’t think hes not commited. I don’t think hes leading me on. I do however think he knows what he wants but is overwhelmed with the steps. So I guess we just let things play out.

[Hopefulromantic23]

Just in case anyone reads this. We closed this distance quite abruptly and last minute days ago. After talking about it we both felt the best course of action was to just go for it. He got an interview here , got a job and got his things and was here in a matter of days. What a journey it has been!!

[MsGrim]

Just in case anyone reads this. We closed this distance quite abruptly and last minute days ago. After talking about it we both felt the best course of action was to just go for it. He got an interview here , got a job and got his things and was here in a matter of days. What a journey it has been!!

Wow! I was just about to comment on some of my thoughts and opinions until I read the last comment. So excited for you and glad you two have figured things out! Good luck on the rest of your journey! <3