4 years and mutual intentions to close the distance... but long known problems arised

[Cesga]

Hello everyone, first post here (I wish I knew of this before)

I met my gf 4 years ago, and we have been very happy, managing to keep our LDR for many months and then closing the distance in a temporary way (her for 9 months in Colombia and I went for a 1 and half to Spain).

Now, we have come to that point that we want and we need to close the distance for good. I just arrived 2 months ago from Spain, here country and where we lived together for 1 year and a half while I was pursuing a Master's. However, things have gone crazy even though it has only been 2 months. I am quite indecisive and we didn't talk thruly where and how we were gonna close the distance nevertheless we want to do it. So, I had to come to my country (for the family, doctor appointments, etc) and I was supposed to tell her what I was gonna do with my life... either staying here in Colombia or going back to her in Spain. Let's say we've had a lot of ups and downs during these 2 months, specially on her side getting a bit desperate about it.

I have taken more time than I thought telling her this decision... and even though I think 2 months is reasonable bearing in mind is a life choice, she has a very direct and driven personality, and has got so anxious that now we are in a crisis. I told her my idea of maybe building our life together here in my country, but she was so frustrated about it that she told me she wouldn't come now, since she has a job there and that I am not sure about it. So, she decided we should take a break for some days... she is deciding is she can stay with me despite my flaw of hesitation and for me to thin truly what my plan is.

Of course, as soon as I saw that my country was off the table, I told her that I was open to make it work in Spain. But now she tell me that she has to think during this time, if she can actually stay with me despite my flaw and so if she wants me to go there.

As you can see, is not that we don't love each other. But she is so frustrated and tired, that I fear she is losing the point that is a thing that we can make it work. I am madly in love with her, is the woman of my dreams and I dream of marrying her soon, and don't know if she is up to it still. I feel like this arranging life topic has got us lost in discussions, forgetting about the most important thing: LOVE. We are supposed to have a talk in a few days about this and I am really trying hard to show her I will be assertive and decisive this time about my career, am already talking with people for info about moving there, looked for tickets, checking for all the things I need to go there... and I love Spain , thats for sure. If you guys have any opinions or advices regarding this I would appreciate it. Of course the coronavirus have made everything worse, since we are both in lockdown at our homes which can be very frustrating and does not help with the mood of it.


I need her to see the whole picture. And my word doesn't have much value for her at this moment, regarding that topic.
I would be devastated if we don't sort this out.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

This sounds familiar to me. We had a plan for closing the distance, and now we're no longer together. My guy is indecisive, and a chronic worrier. He's scared to move to England to be with me because of all of the other things it entails. He's happy with me, but not everything else!
We were engaged, and I'd been gathering information for the wedding.
He lost his dog of 11 years last September, and things started going wrong from there. Now we're "just friends" , both confused about what we're doing, as well as being unhappy. No amount of reassurance from me seems to make any difference, and it's wearing me down.
I know exactly what I want, and he's in this no man's land of indecision, so afraid to move in case he treads on a mine.

[autumn1790]

In the four years you've known her, have you noticed her being quick to get impatient and upset when things don't go her way? I have to agree with you that taking a couple months is reasonable to decide a very important next step in life. Can you think of anything you may have done to make her think perhaps you aren't committed to her and closing the distance? Unfortunately, sometimes those thoughts don't even need foundation in the stress of an LDR, and especially now in the current worldwide situation.

My SO and I have been long distance over five years, so I could somewhat understand the emotions if he hesitated to go through with closing the distance after how much we've planned it. However, you don't feel like you guys have talked it through enough.

Have you honestly and levelly told her all your thoughts about it? Maybe write down what you want to say when the time comes for your talk. And make sure you're listening to her, not listening to respond, but listening to hear what she has to say and make her feel respected and heard.

I wish you the very best of luck!

[Cesga]

Hello! Hey thanks for the response, I thought I wouldn't get any or at least so fast... I really appreciate it.

Yes, indeed she is very direct and she can get really anxious and impatiend when things don't go her way and as fast she desires. I am more calm and patient kind of person, so you could say we balance each other out. However, being apart and with this issue it has got very bad. I am totally committed and she knows I have plans for us for the long haul, but I probably didn't say it loud enough during this 2 months I have been thinking about my career. And now being on total lockdown, things have gotten more intense... of course for her has been much more because of her personality. Exactly what you just said, the coronavirus couldn't have come in a worst time.

I am glad you have discussed the topic throughly with your partner, it's the best thing to do... you avoided this kind of problem I am going thru that doesn't have anything to do with the love we have for each other. Just the lack of proper communication and determination.

I haven't hesitated actually about closing the distance, just about the path I wanted to follow in my career always thinking about being with her, either here in my country or at hers. Maybe I Wasn't clear enough in that point. So, I guess you are right, we have talked about it a lot but not actually all the way... now I am not sure she wants to actually keep this going.

Now, she asked for time to think if she is able to be with me despite my hesitation because she thinks I will be always like that about everything, which is not the case is not that bad. But is being very painful for me, I am a bit depressed and very anxious all the time, and I don't know until when this break goes. I have decided that 10 days is enough and I will ask her if she is open to talk about it tomorrow or a few days from that. Is just very unhealthy and painful for me, I hope she understands. I have already got my first therapy session with a psychologist even, to treat my hesitation and to calm myself down during this hard time.

Thank you for the advice. I will do it.. I must be very assertive, a lot is in play and I guess you understand in this kind of situations so many ideas, problems, stories, pros and cons are all around and the conversation can get ruined. Is probably one of the most important small but decisive things I will do in my life, I am very nervous and afraid about the outcome. And yes, listening for real not to respond... I hope she has this on her mind also but I don't think so. It will be mainly on me.

Thank you very much for the whishes and the response. It really means something to be heard and understood. Not many people do. I hope you can close the distance soon and that everything goes wonderful with you partner!!

In the four years you've known her, have you noticed her being quick to get impatient and upset when things don't go her way? I have to agree with you that taking a couple months is reasonable to decide a very important next step in life. Can you think of anything you may have done to make her think perhaps you aren't committed to her and closing the distance? Unfortunately, sometimes those thoughts don't even need foundation in the stress of an LDR, and especially now in the current worldwide situation.

My SO and I have been long distance over five years, so I could somewhat understand the emotions if he hesitated to go through with closing the distance after how much we've planned it. However, you don't feel like you guys have talked it through enough.

Have you honestly and levelly told her all your thoughts about it? Maybe write down what you want to say when the time comes for your talk. And make sure you're listening to her, not listening to respond, but listening to hear what she has to say and make her feel respected and heard.

I wish you the very best of luck!

[Cesga]

Yes, I was indesive about my career mainly but I have always been sure about being with her. And if that means moving to Spain I am up for it for sure.

And I probably will propose to her as soon as possible. I got the message very clearly.

[Nneka]

Honestly, i took a moment to reply to this and you have possibly both settled the issue that way or another. But let's say from a pure feminine perspective, i don't see much of a relationship. There's that I thought, I love, I gave, I chose, I, I, I, I. From that perspective it's totally understandabl where she was hesitating.