When your ideas about the future seem incompatible...

[Rach321]

Ok, I'm not sure how to explain this concisely. My SO and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary, and we've known and loved each other for over 8 years now.

We are both going to be at a place of transition in our lives by May of this year. He graduated last December and is working a year's contract in Afghanistan that will bring him back to the states in March. I will graduate with my PhD in May. So, essentially, we will both be without a home base starting in May.

My understanding, when he left for Afghanistan, is that we would close the distance upon his return. I know that it will be unlikely that we will ever get to a place where we will be together 365 days a year. His work (and sometimes mine) will lead us to travel quite a bit.

I'm perfectly fine with that and do believe that some time apart is not all that bad for a couple. However.... His idea is different. He believes that I should get a job anywhere that I can find one (the job market is awful right now) and he'll find a job wherever he can find one, and we will focus on our careers for the next few years.

I'm not ok with that. I know a career is important, but I also know that we are both highly qualified, employable people. We might not be able to find an ideal job wherever we go, but I know we can find a job.

I'm going to be 30 in January. He's 34. For me, the priority should be starting our lives together. He says that I'm only freaking out about this because it's been almost 10 months since I've seen him and things won't be the same as they were before he left (we saw each other every 4 to 6 weeks, and that wasn't easy for either of us). In my mind, it is foreseeable that we will be further apart and have less time for visits than we did when we were both in school, so I'm not really sure how things could be different. We might have more money, but money isn't everything when it comes to visits.

I want our [B]home[B] to be together. And I want it to happen within the next year.

We've been going back and forth on this for 6 or 7 months now. I asked for us to figure out a way to be together at least 6 months out of the year. He thinks this is unrealistic and not necessarily a priority for him. His ideal would be to be in the same place as me, but he has trouble seeing that as the best option for us unless we can somehow both find a perfect job in the same place as each other.

I love him with all my heart. I can't imagine not being with him. I really can't.

But I also don't know how long I'm willing to wait. I'm looking for a partner in life. And I'm not sure I'll have children, but I would like to make decisions that make it possible for me to have children if I'm in a place to. Waiting another 2-3 years is not something I feel willing to do.

I know many of us are in similar situations. But do you ever feel that love is not enough when your needs aren't being met in your relationship? What do you do when you feel this way?

[Gurl]

I am not going to give much advice here, for a change as I am going through some similar concerns with my life. I will say that you should make clear to him that a job where he is will be much better than an ideal job somewhere he isn't (if that's the case, which is what it sounds like). It seems that he could just be trying to look out for both of your happinesses. However, sometimes you have to practically beat some people over the head with the fact that what will make you happiest isn't what they are thinking before things click. So I'd say tell him right blunt like, just in a loving way...can one be blunt and loving at the same time? Eh, if anyone can, I am sure its you Give him some time to get the idea that you KNOW what will make you happy and have honestly considered all the options when making your choice and I believe he will come around.

If not, you've got some hard choices ahead that I do NOT envy you in. Listen to your heart, but let reason have a touch of say as well. *BIG HUGS* I have faith he will see your side and you two will work out a compromise that suits you both.

[Rach321]

Hugs to you too Gurl!

We have been talking a lot, and I have been pretty direct. I think you're right- he needs time to really process what I'm telling him. I'm hopeful we'll both figure out a way to compromise so that we'll both be happy with the situation. When he comes back, and we can actually be in each other's arms again, it will probably make a big difference.

My mind just keeps racing and racing with the possibilities of what will happen, and what kinds of decisions I might have to make.

But your message does help me to feel better!! Thank you!!!

[Bluestars]

I am only twenty, but I sort of feel the same frustration in my relationship with Jared. When we started out our relationship, I was under the impression that he would move to be with me after he graduated. He did move here, but moved back two months later for many reasons that I don't feel like repeating. He said then that he would try to move back again in a year after he figured his life out, but now he has no idea what he wants to do with his life. He can't say with any certainty now when he wants/ will be able to close the distance. To me, there is nothing holding him back but himself because he doesn't have a job that is related to his ideal career. He has been talking of traveling to Europe, which will also take a lot of money and time. Not only that, but he just signed another nine month lease with a couple, so basically that is another nine months that puts closing the distance out of the question in his mind.

Right now I feel as though I am making a big compromise by "living in the moment" and not worrying about when we can close the distance. I am a planner, and this situation stresses me out constantly. I am fine with being long distance at the moment....but I want it to end when I graduate. When it comes to this time next year, I will have to have a serious talk with my SO about this. If he hasn't figured his life out by then, I am not sure if I can wait any longer. My second semester senior year, I want to know exactly what I will do when I graduate. I have many options, but I also want to take our relationship into consideration. I plan on going to graduate school or getting a job right away. If he isn't ready to close the distance when I graduate, then I will probably see that as a lack of commitment. I honestly would consider moving to be with him (temporarily because I would prefer living close to home), but if he isn't willing to do the same for me, then I will not do it.

I have been thinking about this a lot, and it is really hard for me to express this Part of the reason I am even putting this off at the moment is because I know I am really young. If I were your age, your thoughts would be my same priorities. I felt a lot better about the situation when I gave myself a timeline. December next year, I want some concrete answers.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide Rach. Have you told him exactly what you wrote here? Because I think it is completely understandable what you are saying. As much as I would like to say that love is enough, I do not think it is--similar priorities and beliefs are just as important, if not more. I know that I love Jared, but I am not willing to sacrifice a part of myself if I am dissatisfied with where we are heading in the future. Think with both your head and your heart. Will you really be satisfied if you both move to separate places? I completely agree that you do not have to have your "ideal" job. If all your SO can focus on is finding the perfect job, will he really be happy if he has no one to share those moments with? No matter what happens, just no that life will go on.

You say you can't imagine not being with him, but if it came down to it you could. (sorry if that sounds mean. I do not mean for it to). I cannot imagine myself without Jared, but I know that if things do not work out, then I will eventually find someone else (or maybe even meet up with him again in the future). No matter what, I will always cherish our relationship, but both partners' needs must be met.....

[mllebamako]

Hey Rach...I'm sorry to read all of this. It sounds like you are in a tough place right now. I really understand where you are coming from and I agree with you. Everyone goes on about putting career first, but sometimes I think that it is the "right" decision to put love first.
Par example, I want to get a teaching certificate when I get back to the US and maybe even a masters in teaching. Would it be much easier to just go back after the assistantship and do this? Yes. Much easier and makes more sense career-wise. But like you said, I want a partner. I want to be next to him, even if that means that I take a "lesser" job for awhile. To me, it is worth it. Career is important but it is not who you are, just a small part of your intricate being.

I think it's great that you are honest with him about your feelings. Continue to do it. Maybe send him what you wrote here or some version of it.

I wish I had some great wisdom to give you but...I don't. You are already doing the right things: examining your life and priorities and his priorities. I hope that those two will somehow match up for you.
Gros bisous (tu peux m'envoyer un email si tu as besoin de parler avec quelqu'un. Je suis la pour toi)

[Rach321]

@Bluestars I remember what happened before with you relationship, and I'm sorry to hear that things are still uncertain for you. It really is an awful place to be in, and most of the time I do try not to think about it. But now that we're at a place where we are realistically talking about his return, it's more and more difficult to avoid it.

He is committed to the relationship, and I know he loves me. He worries that I won't be happy if I make sacrifices for him, and vice versa. He also has different ideas about what is necessary for two people to really be in a partnership (e.g., starting with no debt, financial security- these are important to me, but not necessities). I just have a hard time seeing being together as a sacrifice- As mllebamako says,

Career is important but it is not who you are, just a small part of your intricate being.

.

Usually when we disagree about something, it takes time for us both to really process and understand where the other person is coming from. I had written him a letter a few months ago to outline what I want in the relationship. He appreciated my openness with him, but I hadn't really gotten a response, so I brought it up again recently.

Really, the most extreme thing I asked for was that we would close the distance and spend more time together than apart within the next year. I know that the future can't be predicted and things come up, but I want to feel that we are both on the same page about that. I also know that a real decision about the relationship is still months away, so I shouldn't let myself get so worked up right now. I've just shed too many tears this week about it to not talk about it some.

I can live without him, and I've thought about it- I just hate to think it.

I truly appreciate all of you and your support. THANK YOU!!!

[Silviar]

But I also don't know how long I'm willing to wait. I'm looking for a partner in life. And I'm not sure I'll have children, but I would like to make decisions that make it possible for me to have children if I'm in a place to. Waiting another 2-3 years is not something I feel willing to do.

I know many of us are in similar situations. But do you ever feel that love is not enough when your needs aren't being met in your relationship? What do you do when you feel this way?

I've been in this situation, and this is my advice, coming as someone who has been married, and been in the same place as you. If you have a loving partner, then you work together to plan a life together. If he's not willing to start looking at places you can both find jobs now, why would a few years down the road be any different?

Love is not enough to carry a relationship alone. There are many other important aspects, such as respect, communication, and a certain amount of flexibility. I think this is something you have to bring up to your SO lovingly and discuss it, but if he remains firm, well, you answered it yourself in the part I quoted above - if you don't want to wait 3 more years to have another possible chance, then don't. But I don't think it's necessarily bleak - I think he needs to understand that flexibility and compromise have to come from both of you to make a relationship work.

[Karringtyn]

Hi hon. After reading your response to my blog I looked for this thread. I understand. SOOOOO much. Maybe because we are "older"...oh goodness you are a decade younger...lol but we still are "older"...we know what we want. You guys have done the distance. You have lived apart. It is natural to want the next stage....breathe....talk about it....and know we are ALL here.

[TknandLvnIt]

When my SO and I talked about what it means to love someone (though we have yet to admit that we do...that's a whole story in itself) he talks about it meaning that you are willing to put the needs of your SO and your relationship above your own needs. I say that to say that in LDR and even in CD relationships its really important to communicate how you feel through your actions and be willing to sacrifice and do whatever it takes for the relationship...From what you are saying it sounds like he is looking for ways to further his career in the U.S....that is a worthy aspiration part of it may be that his goals for himself at this point in his life have yet to be accomplished. A lot of times as women we have different goals for our relationship and our lives than our SO...so talk to him about why he is so anxious to jump start his career, what does he want for your relationship and when. Setting a timeline for what you want in your relationship together would probably be helpful. Perhaps even if you didn't move to the same city but at least closer than before you would be able to foster your relationship a bit better. I can't say that I understand because my SO and I are not at that point in our relationship..we both know we would move for the other but haven't really decided when that would be. Had you talked about closing the distance before he left for Afghanistan? Maybe he feels like its only the time that you have spent apart that is making you feel this way. I hope this helps a bit...I wish you the best...I hope he listens :-)

[garnet]

I understand where you're coming from. I divorced at 29, with 11 years behind me that I sure could have done more with. :-/
I knew that if I happened across "the one" that I was not going to let year after year pass me by again.
Then came Rane, and of course he lived in another country. He is 11 years younger than I am, so he didn't feel the same urgency to get moving in life, but fortunately, he did agree that love came first, and the rest could fall into place as it came along. I knew he was the one for me, but I did have to let him know that a life together was a priority for me. A non negotiable priority. I was happy long distance, but not forever.

Maybe you will at some point want to really lay it out there, and suggest that a future with you, means working to close the distance, end of story. It's a difficult thing, especially when you can't fathom a life without your SO, but as I've learned, putting life on hold forever leads to a whole lot of regrets.

I hope it goes well for you guys.

[Rach321]

I But I don't think it's necessarily bleak - I think he needs to understand that flexibility and compromise have to come from both of you to make a relationship work.

This is a good point! Thank you! There is much uncertainty about many things in our lives. I'm not sure where I'll get a job, he's stuck in the middle of nowhere in a war-torn country and doesn't know exactly what he will want to do when he returns. For me, I just want to hear him say that, yes, he will move wherever I get a job. That yes, his priority is to find a way for us to be together in the same place.

I know his personality and know that it's hard for him to say things about the future with certainty like that. But I am hopeful that I will see a compromise from him. I suppose I need to be patient. I don't think it's possible for him to give me an answer right now since so much is so uncertain.

@Karringtyn- I think of you as the same age as me.... lol! I know you're a mom and in a different place in life than me, but I do feel part of the "older" crowd here...

@TknandLvnIt It's great to see your reply! We've never really set a plan for closing the distance. I suppose that's what is most frustrating for me. But when he was considering taking the job in Afghanistan, he explained that part of the reason he wanted to go is that he felt he couldn't responsibly marry me and start a life with me while he still had student debt. So I suppose I assumed that when he returned from this job, that would be the next logical step. We talk about things like marriage, but honestly I just want to live with him for the time being! Marriage is a dream for me, but not really a necessity.

@garnet You phrased my feelings perfectly. I have loved this man for 8 years and haven't been able to imagine myself with anyone else (even when we weren't together and dating other people). At the same time, I'm at point now where I don't believe in the fairytale of one perfect person for each person in the world. I do know that I could find someone else to love if it came to that. I just really, really like the one I have.

But definitely (addressed to all of you who have replied), these are the types of things I've needed to hear. I sometimes feel guilty about questioning the relationship because I know that I really have a wonderful man who loves and respects me and truly wants to see me shine in this world. That's something very difficult to contemplate giving up. But I also know that I'm at a place in my life where I feel quite confident in who I am and what I want. And... frankly, a partner is what I want.

I'll keep you all updated!

[USA2Canada]

I know that at 30 a big priority and esp after 8 years is to have a life together and start a family you know children... whos to say you have that long to really produce children! You know after 35 theres more risk! For example I have a huge cyst on my right ovary and need my ovary removed and I'm not even 30! Personally for me career comes second to having our life together because when your together the rest will follow even if its not your dream job you can get there! I think after 8 years its time he made it a priority or I'm not sure there would really be much of a future is there any signs of a proposal or is he just comfy? After 8 years I would of expected that ring on my finger, maybe it's me but I feel he should have full certanity in his future with you by now or when will he. I waited 6 and wasn't gonna wait any longer at my stage in life, and luckily he did end up doing it. My guy was making career his priority but out the blue he made a switch and put US first. I personally don't want to be with someone long distance for all my life like that. Sounds like your on two different pages and priority list. I do sense that your guy loves and cares for you or he wouldnt have been in it this long but he may not be ready lot of men got career and financial goals to achieve before a life with someone he could have you waiting another 8 honey who knows and thats a choice you gotta make are you gonna wait cause you cant force him to have this life with you he has to make it a priority and do it for himself. Your guy sounds comfy...and feels no reason to make change! One thing about a man his clocks not ticking! Best of Luck!

[lucybelle]

My SO is wonderful in this regard, he's leaving behind a big promotion to come and live with me. He's told me that even though that would be good for his career, he wants to focus on making this relationship work right now.

My sister is going through some "questioning" times with her boyfriend. She's in a work contract for another 2 years and then wants to live abroad. Her SO wants to stay in rural USA around all his friends. I told her that they need to make a decision on where their relationship is going. Yes it's very sad to see a loved one go, but if your long term plans don't match up, they don't match up! I told her to tell him straight out "In 2 years I'm going to live abroad. You need to decide if you're coming with me." You should tell him straight like that so that he knows you're serious. Don't let him jump around the subject anymore. Say "I want to live with you no matter what jobs we have. You need to decide if that's okay with you."

I also like what you said :

@garnet You phrased my feelings perfectly. I have loved this man for 8 years and haven't been able to imagine myself with anyone else (even when we weren't together and dating other people). At the same time, I'm at point now where I don't believe in the fairytale of one perfect person for each person in the world. I do know that I could find someone else to love if it came to that. I just really, really like the one I have.

That's what I believe too. I believe that a relationship blossoms because both people are right for each other at that moment. You could find another one 5 years down the road that would be right at that moment. But it's always hard to say goodbye.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[Rach321]

So, a quick update.

We spoke again yesterday for over 2 hours, and he explained more why he was hesitant to make a concrete plan right now and his reasoning for why he thought it might be worth it to stay long distance for a little bit longer.

But, he says that he is open to compromise, and that I can choose whatever will make me the most happy. Even if that means just moving to wherever he is, with or without a job. He is less hesitant to promise that he'll move wherever I get a job because he wants the ability to be near his family for various reasons that he explained to me.

We did agree that if we choose to have children, we would both be ready in about 3 years. We also have similar ideas about what we want in life. So, it seems that our long-term goals are consistent with one another. The short term is still fuzzy, and I'm not quite sure what is going to happen.

Part of me wants to just close the distance and move to wherever he is. But I'd potentially be giving up the past 4 years I've spent working on my PhD. And that seems like a ridiculous decision to make, no matter what my heart tells me.

So... things are not worked out yet, and they probably won't be for awhile (since I won't see him until March anyway). But I'm happy to know that he's thinking about it too and trying to find solutions that make us both happy.

[Silviar]

I'm glad ot read your update. It made me think of something else I want to mention. Given that he's out in the field for military service, he might not be in the best frame of mind to make any decisions anyways. That sort of situation does lend to some different types of thinking, so I wante dot say I think talking about it was great, and continued dialogue will get you both where it's at.