When your ideas about the future seem incompatible...

[ioanna]

I'm very very happy to read this
You have to resist the urge of closing the distance earlier than planned>> .you are so close to the finish line, and you have been working so hard for it!
March will be here in no time, and you guys will get to spend some time together, at least a bunch of times before summer! And when summer hits, well, that's when you can imagine any possibility and scenario

[Rach321]

I'm glad ot read your update. It made me think of something else I want to mention. Given that he's out in the field for military service, he might not be in the best frame of mind to make any decisions anyways. That sort of situation does lend to some different types of thinking, so I wante dot say I think talking about it was great, and continued dialogue will get you both where it's at.

Thank you! We don't talk often about what his life is like there (he thinks it's better for emotional and security reasons not to). But he did share more with me this last conversation than he has in awhile-- I agree. His perspective is in a completely different place from mine right now. And do I understand why. I'm actually feeling quite thankful that we've been able to maintain our relationship so successfully considering...

[Bluestars]

I'm glad to hear that he is willing to compromise Glad your talk went alright

[xopookie]

You know what it seems like or what I realized as women in relationships we tend to be the planners like we always have to plan and with men it's more like go with the flow I think it's fusterating with both parties because men don't understand that with us women we have to be the planners and men just want to see what happens but I'm a strong believer in planning because it gives us something to shoot for. I do understand how you feel you're already an accomplished women about to obtain a phd and you've taken care of your schooling so it is understandable that you want to settle down and have a stable life. I think you 2 should really research the cities on where you both can have a great career together. Plus it seems you can make a good living in top cities like NYC, LA and others. But I would feel the same way because I'm trying to close the distance for the moment and I know this may sound wierd but I do look forward to cleaning my boyfriend's place while he does the cooking. It's the little things that makes you really want to close the distance for good. Overall, I wish you the best of luck!

[Mizpah]

I hope I do not come off as harsh, but your SO needs to be willing to choose YOU and YOUR RELATIONSHIP. I left my dream job when I moved to be with my now-husband, and while we have faced many obstacles, the life we have together is so much more fulfilling than the job I left behind. The 'perfect job' is wonderful, but if it leaves you with nothing and no one to come home to, I fail to see how it is perfect. Aaron and I have had differing ideas of the future before, but to us paramount was being together (check), getting married (check), and having a family. And you know what? He just got an amazing job offer in his hometown that seems to have just as many opportunities for me--especially education-wise. Things work out, but they take a little risk and a whole lot of faith and a willingness to compromise. EDITED upon reading update: The fact that he is willing to compromise gives you something to work with and I wish you both the best

[Rach321]

Just saw your reply xopookie! My SO is not a planner at all! Luckily, I'm pretty flexible. But for the important things (like closing the distance), I do like to have more of a concrete idea of what will happen in the future, recognizing that we can't predict the future. The little things like making food for each other and caring for one another are definitely things I look forward to about closing the distance.

Thanks Mizpah for reading my story! I agree with you to some degree, but I also realize that life is not always so black and white. If it were a matter of just choosing the other person and the relationship, I would have moved to him or vice versa a long time ago. But we each have our own dreams and goals as well. It's the reason many of us are long distance on this site.

But my reason for starting the thread and my fear is that there very well come a point when I feel I've waited long enough. Since I started this thread, we've talked more and more about the future. And it's very clear that he does want us to be in the same place. He's more and more thinking about how we can make that happen. He's just more practical about how the decisions we make career-wise now might influence our more long-term future. There is still a part of me that wishes he could commit to moving where I find a job, but I do realize that it may not be the best decision for him. Much of it will come down to where I'm able to find employment and the opportunities that are available to him. Family is a big priority for both of us, so if he needs to make the decision to be near family, I do understand it.

I'm very thankful for everyone's support and perspectives. And I'm happy that he and I have been able to talk about it. I feel our relationship is closer and stronger than it has been in a very long time.

[Mizpah]

No problem I understand having other dreams and goals, and that is why many are on this site, but I also understand that sometimes it comes down to either/or and that is where the hard decisions come in. It wasn't so much a matter of seeing things as black-and-white, but knowing that in my case I had a choice to make, and that I had to choose between two very different kinds of happiness. I chose the one that, in the end, mattered to me more. Reading your story, I could tell how weary of waiting you are, meaning it was time for the process of such decisions to be made. I am glad he is willing to try to find a solution to your problem, and that the matter has served to bring you closer rather than tear you apart

[FadedSunrise]

I'm only 20, but reading this reminds me of why I haven't even been considering entering into an official LDR (as boyfriend/girlfriend) yet. There are no easy endings to LDRs, not a whole range of options for "What if this doesn't work out?". Especially when the other party lives 6,000+miles away in China. I won't say I love him yet, but after two months of getting to know him I will always cherish him in my heart. And I'm of the type that thinks first to sacrifice for the other's happiness, so...not sure how I'll ever stop being guilty even if our relationship came out to be a "success" and he moves here.

[Rach321]

Mizpah

FadedSunrise, I can understand how you feel. My SO and I actually dated first at age 22 for me, 25 for him (about 8 years ago). We were together off and on for a couple of years, but neither of us where in a place to really take the next step. We stayed in contact, and just over 3 years ago, he came to me and said that he wanted to spend his life with me. I wish you the best in your relationship - I know your position is a difficult one. I encourage you to be thankful you've met someone you cherish so much, to be open with your heart, and recognize that sometimes people come into our lives, not to be there forever (not saying you and your SO won't work out- I have no idea about that), but to bring you joy and help you to grow.

One of the reasons my SO is hesitant to ask me to move where he is or to promise he will move to me is that he worries one of us will have regrets. This worried me, and still sometimes worries me, but I'm starting to understand why he feels the way he feels. I don't want either of us to feel guilty either. Don't worry so much about the future. If the time comes, and one of you does make a move, I'm sure it will be because it will bring you happiness.

[FadedSunrise]

Thank you, Rach Spoken like my mature elder.

I don't know, I guess I get it from my mom or something. On the big things in life, I'm a planner and a worrier. I have to know how things will work. To fit in seeing him next summer and having a great time there, I've already worked out my goals for all of 2011 through the 10/1 LSAT test. He, on the other hand, is very much an embodiment of "go with the flow". The worrier in me leads me to puzzle over far too many aspects of our relationship, whereas he's of a much simpler belief that we have "yuanfen"(he definitely takes that to mean romantic fate, considering the circumstances), and that however long it takes to work out, it's going to work out.

His way is so much easier on the mind! Haha, I'll definitely be working on trying to learn. He's 25, so 5 yrs my senior. All this relationship long I feel like I've been learning and growing, trying to imitate his mental strength and stability to better my own and become more mature. He's definitely bringing out the best in me, and I'll forever be grateful for that. As for not staying in my life forever, the idealistic young one in me says only "I'll fight to keep him as long as I can".

[Tanja]

So I'm a little late on this, sorry

I had things to say in reply to your original post but things have already moved on since the 1st page! Which is great

I think if he can't promise to go to you then you go to him? And definitely finish your degree, you've worked very hard for the past 4 years and the goal is so near! Once you get that PhD paper in your hand it doesn't matter where you go, you WILL find a job because educated, hard-working people are always wanted. And the job situation is getting better by the day.

I know exactly how you feel when you say you don't wanna wait much longer - I'm turning 28 in April and I already feel like I'm running out of time! To do what exactly I'm not sure about

But I do want Andy to find his dream job ASAP so we can start planning our wedding and having children together - that's something he's not even sure about yet like you and I have my doubts as well some days since I already have one kid. But I don't want to close that door by waiting too long. Women like to have the option to choose don't they

Oh, one more thing: someone said love alone is not enough to make a relationship. What is all the talk about "if you love each other enough you can get through anything" then? Isn't love the strongest thing in the relationship that carries you through the rough times, forces you to make compromises so you can stay together, won't let you give up when you feel like you can't go on? You and Jay have been together a long time and a huge part of it in a LDR. You've earned a home with him, you deserve to be happy together, physically! When you love someone that's when you are willing to take that risk that you might not get a job somewhere your SO lives but you move to be with that person anyway. The desire to be with your SO will beat your desire to get a dream job. The job will not love you back.

I hope you continue to talk with him because he's definitely going in the right direction. I know you can have your happy ending if you both really want it