Leaving kids with parents temporarily...

[rsvpnj]

We were originally planning on closing the distance in the summer of 2012. However, I can graduate in the fall and I was thinking that I might want to close the distance about a month after graduation. Especially since it is much harder to find work in the event industry in the summer. I don't want to move my kids, currently ages 9 & 10, in the middle of the school year so that their studies are not interrupted. Because all my family is in Jersey and I won't have any help with the kids when I move... I have decided to leave the kids behind at first and then bring them over as soon as I have a job and we have found a place to live that is big enough for all 4 of us. Probably like 4-4 1/2 months....quite possibly even shorter, like 3 months...I was thinking that perhaps I could bring them to Cali for a week during spring break.

In any case, I was just wondering if anyone has or is planning to do anything similar. Any opinions on this from people with kids? I feel bad about leaving them for so long but in all honesty, I think this is the best way to make such a huge transition for them. In the interim they will be staying with my parents- whom we have lived with since I became pregnant with my first daughter.

[snow_girl]

If I were in your kids shoes especially being as young as they are. I would absolutely not be pleased that my mother was leaving us that long for a boyfriend. I understand that you are excited to close the distance and get that ball rolling but your kids should always come first. Do what is best for them, if they need their mother then you might have to wait to close the distance. Also as a mother how are you able to just leave your kids that long? I know my mom would never be able to willingly be away from us that long (when we were that age anyway)

[Joyce:)]

I can tell you my point of view as a kid, being just 18, and remembering clearly how it was even when my mum would go off to england to visit family. I used to think she'd rather be with them and not me, and it made me feel awful.
if you do leave your kids with your parents, prepare them ahead of time, and make sure they don't think you are putting your SO ahead of them

[Micah]

I have 2 daughters. I am waiting until this summer to close the distance because I do not want to move my children during the school year. The ONLY thing keeping me here is my kids. I honestly don't think I would feel right moving and leaving my children with family members for months at a time. My children come before my relationship and anything else. I understand that it would be easier to adjust and get things ready before your children come, but I personally would stick it out until you could all move. You don't want them to resent you or feel like your SO is more important than them. And they are at the age where they would possibly think that. Kids need their mom. That's just my opinion, though. Please don't take offense.

[weetzie]

I would definitely wait until we could all move as a family. I would totally have resented that as a child if my mom did that. :/

[Riyko]

Honestly i saw what it did to my god brother with his mom being gone for long periods of time from the time he was born until he was about 8. I don't think it's a good idea and while i understand that it's better to get settled where your SO lives so your kids have somewhere to come too, i also feel that you are being selfish because you don't want to wait until the summer because the jobs will be harder to come by, seriously if you want a job that badly just apply for them online after you graduate and when the places call you set up your interviews in the same week and fly out there for a week to do them or ask if they do interviews online that way if you have to go for interview then it'll only be for a week not 4-5 months.

[Rach321]

Wow, I'm honestly surprised at the implications of some of the advice being given here. I want to emphasize some of the advice, not all. She provided a brief explanation of her situation, and suddenly she's a selfish negligent mother if she does go??? I mean, I understand what you are all saying, but there is no need to be so harsh about it. I'm sure she's thought about what it will mean for her children and have a better idea of it than any of us. People are separated from at least one of their parents for periods of time, and they are just fine. We don't know her children, or their relationship with their grandparents, or how they feel about her boyfriend, for that matter. If they've lived with their grandparents all their life, it may not be all that disruptive for them to be apart from her for a few months.

In many ways, the decision to go out there and get settled without the kids COULD be better for the kids in the end. It in no way shows her to be inconsiderate of her children's feelings.

Rsvpnj,I would advise you to limit the amount of time you're away from them, that you really work hard to make them feel like you are there for them at all times while you're out there, and that you plan at least one trip for them to come to you, and vice versa. It's also really important that you talk to your children and allow them to feel like they can make a decision in this process as well. If it really upsets them, then you might consider not making the move just yet. Or, if you get there, and they really struggle with it, maybe you can have a back-up plan to come back to them. I agree with others that it might be hard for them to understand why you would go for so long without them, but that doesn't mean it has to damage your relationship with them in anyway.

[Micah]

I wasn't meaning to offend. I was just saying that being a mother myself, I personally would not do that. My children would not do well with that situation because they need me around. Their dad recently moved about 10 hours away and my 6 year old cries every night for him. And they will be living near him in a few months when we all move together, so it's sort of the same situation. And my children are surrounded by people that love them here, but no amount of support can replace a parent. And this is MY situation, but it breaks my heart that my child is sad and I can only imagine what would happen if I moved before my kids. They would feel like I was leaving them behind. That's how my kids are, though.
Perhaps with a lot of preparation and communication it wouldn't be that bad because they would be prepped to expect the absence, but it depends on the situation. Everyone's different and every kid deals with things differently. I guess I just wouldn't want to take that chance that it wouldn't fare well with my children. Again, my opinion and experience... not meaning to offend at all.

[Moon]

I am a parent, and honestly, I don't mind if I offend you.

Closing the distance is important, sure, but NOT at the expense of your kids! When you became a parent, your children's needs became paramount to your wants, period. It doesn't matter if circumstances didn't turn out the way you expected them, or that you feel you deserve to have happiness too, you don't get to do that if it'll affect those kids negatively, you just don't. When I was in my 20's, I dated a guy from San Diego, we were perfect together and I could have seen myself with him forever, as happy as can be. My daughter was about 6 or 7 at that time, and although he wanted me to move with him, I stayed because that's what was best for my daughter, and there was no way in hell I was going to leave her behind. She came first, not my happiness or what I wanted.

It might not be fair, and yeah, it sucks, but you don't get to leave your kids behind for months just because you met some guy, and want to live with him. So what if you move with them, you won't have any help? Neither do a lot of parents, and they are your responsibility afterall. They didn't ask to be here. How do you explain to them that they have to stay, because you want to move in with a guy? Wouldn't you feel like you didn't matter as much to your mom as the boyfriend did, if you were the kids?

Seriously, flame me if you like people, but once you have kids, your life is no longer your own, not for a long, long time. You don't get to leave them behind in order to play house, and pretend to be free. Its not fair to the children, and can make them feel lost, abandoned and insecure. Who cares if having them with you makes life more difficult? That's what parents signed up for when they decided to have them. Moving really isn't that big of a deal for kids that age, the transition isn't as huge as you'd imagine, they're only in elementary school, not high school. Yes, this is a subject I'm passionate about, but managing to parent a child into becoming a decent, responsible adult is much harder than you think. Life doesn't always feel fair, but deal with it, and do the right thing.

[MadMolly]

When I was a kid, this happened with my mum and it pretty much sucked.

[Tanja]

I could see this being ok if you moved first and they'd follow 1 or 2 weeks after... But I can't imagine how heartbroke they'd be if they didn't see their mum for over 3 months

I know they would be in great hands with their grandparents but still something in me says that it wouldn't be right even though I can see how you would like to create a stable environment for them to move into and make the move as smooth as possible. I think the intention is good but the execution isn't exactly on the same level.

Personally, I couldn't stay away from my daughter that long - wherever I go she goes too.

[leonsfangirl]

It's clear that you want to do whats best for your children by ensuring you have a job,good home for them when they move and by not disrupting there education but i think the time period is a little too long.
Is there anyway your SO could find a suitable place for you all in your absence? Can you save up enough money between now and the time you can all move together to support yourselves whilst job hunting?

[BabyGund]

Well, I am also a mother and I would have no problem with leaving my daughter behind in order to establish myself somewhere new. My father was in the military and we were frequently separated for several months as he made new arrangements for us in whatever city his new assignment was in.

I disagree with the notion that children take precedence over your own happiness. Quite frankly, if you're not happy, the children won't be happy. And admittedly, children grow up, move out and move into their own lives. Where does that leave us martyred single mothers? ALONE.

I remember reading this article several years ago and how it inspired the same vitriol offered here. I agreed with her, however. And I still do. So feel free to flame away.

[Micah]

I see your point, BabyGund, and I agree about the happiness part. I also don't think you should sacrifice your happiness for your children either, but I would sacrifice 4 months of my happiness for my children. I would hold off moving until we all could move together. It's not a pressing matter of life or death. I am sure her boyfriend will still be there in 4 months and maybe her boyfriend can work on finding a place to live in that time. It's not a situation where she HAS to move because of a job assignment or the military. She can apply for jobs from afar. It is a situation in which she has a choice and desires to move before her kids can. So, I think this is sort of a different situation since she is willingly doing it.

[blankita719]

I see BabyGund's point about if the parent isn't happy, the child won't be either, but honestly, I can't see how I would be happy leaving my child for several months like this. You know your own children better than we do though, so maybe you're incredibly lucky and have kids that can handle the separation but I would think it be incredibly difficult on all parties involved. Yes, I'm sure your parents would take excellent care of them but leaving them to raise your children is a big burden on them as well. Are they on board with this plan? Personally, I would never do this...I would wait until we could go together because I know my son would be very upset with me for leaving him behind.