Can't decide who should move!
My boyfriend & I have been together a little over a year and have been talking about closing the distance. We both really dislike where the other person lives. I'm willing to move to him, Vermont, but he won't let me because I'm so close to my family, which is in Massachusetts, like me. He doesn't want to move here, either. I was unemployed for about six months but recently just got an amazing job! He hates Vermont and wants to leave, but to California, not Massachusetts. I won't move to California without living with him first, and argued that with my awesome new job and him being unhappy in Vermont he should move here...but he hates Massachusetts. So, now what?
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Why does he hate Massachusetts? What is the difference weather you move to vermont or to Cali with him? -
He says the weather here is too similar to Vermont, which is why he wants to be in California. I don't want to move across the country with him until we live together in a familiar place. Moving in together will be strain enough, never mind a whole new life with absolutely no familiarities.Comment
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I think thats a lousy reason for him not to move. It's not like its going to be a change for the worst. Are you sure he isn't just using that for an excuse not to close the distance cause he knows you don't want to move? I feel like not moving for the weather shouldn't even be a question if it means being close to your SO, especially if it could only be temporary before moving to cali. I think you both need to come up with some compromise or you'll both be where you are for a while.Comment
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Agreed! Maybe it is also getting down to the real issue, why does he not want you to move to him or him to move to you????Originally posted by snow_girl View PostComment
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He was with his ex for twelve years, married for two. Everything has been super slow in our relationship; seven months till he said ILY, a year before we talked about moving in together. I'm worried that he's too scared and is making up excuses. I'm going to be 29 in 13 days, I want to start our life together!Comment
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He doesn't like the weather? Tell him to suck it up for a year or two. And if you two get along well you'll pack up and move to CA with him.Comment
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Kat,Originally posted by KatLovesJosh View Post
Your life is moving
You will make the best decision for yourself regardless because you know you are ready to have a life! He is the one who has to decide if he is on the same ride with you! You have giving two options and he has said no. I can understand his fear, the unknown and being jaded, but a he has to decide that he is ready to move forward and begin again!
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So basically I should tell him to suck it up and move, or I'm done waiting? All or nothing?Comment
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Of course, I'll be the first one to say that he has an equally valid point.
However, if you two can't decide who should move or where to live... perhaps its not time for you to close the distance yet. My only concern with him moving to Massachusetts to be with you before heading to Cali is that is might create resentment on his part and that will be toxic for your relationship.
I am moving to Cali to be with my BF... its 3000 miles from everything I know and everything my kids have ever known... but I know that I can always move back here if it doesn't work out... you only get one life...and I know I don't want to have any regrets when I'm 80 years old and looking back.
Good luck!Comment
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Hi Kat,Originally posted by KatLovesJosh View Post
I would never tell anyone to make an all or nothing call, but I do suggest having that discussion about a future: what you want, what he wants, your fears, his fears...etc. If you have had the discussion, i recommend having it again and noting on paper your points for both options. Start a logical discussion...I think going though the points and addressing them should provide a more clear picture of what direction you both want to move in and possibly put you both on the same page.
I would not recommend an all or nothing...nothing good comes from those... at least that's what i have learned.. Ultimately, you are the only person that can make a decision about your own life...don't let him make that choice for you..it should be yours... but if he is in this relationship with you, then it can be a choice made together...
I hope this helps!!Comment
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Thanks everyone. I sent him a text tonight (he works night shift) and told him that we needed to discuss things again. I'm going to take the advice and write it all down so no important points get missed. I will update everyone on our progress!
Thanks, again. It's so nice to have people who truly understand just how hard LDR's can be!!Comment
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I think you just need to explain to him that this relationship will require compromise. I think it's a very valid point to want to stay in a familiar place and then move somewhere different. Do you think that perhaps he is afraid that if things go pear-shaped, you will have your family to go back to, but he will be in a strange town without anyone? In a new town you are both in the same situation. I dunno, I'm just trying to think of it from his point of view, because the weather excuse is pretty lame. I wouldn't recommend the all or nothing approach, as he has obviously had his heart broken before with a divorce, so he may be trying to protect himself this time, therefore is taking it slow and may even be trying to think up a back up plan if things don't work out.Comment
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