Telling my parents about my Iranian girlfriend (wlw)

[Idril]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. The issue was big enough for me to register on this forum.

First some context. I am a french girl. She's an iranian girl. I met her on a penpals website 2 and a half years ago. I first texted her because i was interested in learning the farsi language and discovering the culture. We started texting on insta and soon became very close friends.
Now i can say i have never been so close to someone, even my closest confidents and family. After maybe 9 months, i figured out that i may consider her more than a friend. We really have the same values, vision of life, similar hopes and dreams, similar past, we stay calm and talk during arguments which is very important... I asked her out. She hesitated a few days because she didn't want to break our friendship. She also confessed she had a crush on me few months before but didn't say anything because at the time i was "still heterosexual". She finally accepted.
Now it's been 1 and a half year we're in a love relationship. I have 1 year left before having a bachelor diploma, hers finishes this summer. Our plan is to study the same masters degree, or at least ones in the same city, in Europe or Canada.

The thing is i would have to tell my parents that i want to be her roommate because they'll pay the rent. And they'll wonder why i wanna be her roommate but i never met her irl. My parents are overprotective. I'm not sure the "we're best friends" argument would work with them. How to tell them she's my girlfriend? How to make them understand that it's serious even if we never met? I wanna marry her later and she wants too, we planned our future life, business plan etc...
Should i not tell them it's so serious and let them believe it's just a "2-year trial of couple life"?

I have to add i am gifted and likely autistic. Even if my parents don't think I'm autistic (I'm not diagnosed), they know my quirks and know I'm "too trustful", have "weird ideas" like wanting to move abroad... I mean they don't really trust me concerning taking decisions for myself (they're pretty toxic but that's another story).

Any ideas my friends?? I talked with my lesbian great aunt about my girlfriend, but since she lived in more troubled times for lgbt people, she said "don't talk about the fact she's your girlfriend, hide it the longest time possible". How could i possibly hide it, i wanna move with a "stranger" it's weird.

I should add that my parents aren't homophobic, at least they won't make me homeless. They have clichés about gay people but except that they're nice. The thing is my girlfriend mixes many differences so it would be harder for my parents to accept : being a girl, Iranian (scary country for occidentals, muslims), different culture and language...

Help please i really want to be able to move with her and live my best life!

[Anna]

I am not sure what would be the best, but I think I would tell them it's a friend. Most people don't understand online relationships and they are afraid that people on the Internet just want to scam.

[DirkJanV]

Hi Idril, I am in a long distance relationship and I have an LGBT teenage daughter. When my daughter came out I was very happy for her and I am totally fine with it. The most important thing you want for your child is that he or she is happy. Your parents also want to make sure that you are safe. So they may seem protective. But hopefully they have an open mind and accept your choices and support you with them. I would see no harm in my daughter wanting to live with her lover when she would go to university. From an age point of view that is ok. I would assume your girlfriend will have more cultural barriers to overcome. So talk to your parents would be my advice. Their reaction might surprise you (my daughter was nervous too). Bonne chance.

[hershit]

Hey Idril,

If you're saying your parents are likely toxic towards you, I don't think telling them about this relationship would be a good idea.
Maybe you can tell them that you got to know her when searching for other college incoming students and would like to stay with her than a totally unknown person. You could also figure out the rent thing later on by shifting the rooms next month and so on.
I do think postponing telling as long as possible doesn't have much downside, it gives you both time to figure out your relationship and become independent in the case your families don't agree.
Also given she's from Iran, I am not sure how her parents would react to this relationship.
Another advice if I may, would be to go for a formal checkup when you have the time and headspace. It would clarify things one way or the other. Maybe you just have normal ideas that seem weird to your parents.
All the best, keep us posted!

[Idril]

Hey Idril,

If you're saying your parents are likely toxic towards you, I don't think telling them about this relationship would be a good idea.
Maybe you can tell them that you got to know her when searching for other college incoming students and would like to stay with her than a totally unknown person. You could also figure out the rent thing later on by shifting the rooms next month and so on.
I do think postponing telling as long as possible doesn't have much downside, it gives you both time to figure out your relationship and become independent in the case your families don't agree.
Also given she's from Iran, I am not sure how her parents would react to this relationship.
Another advice if I may, would be to go for a formal checkup when you have the time and headspace. It would clarify things one way or the other. Maybe you just have normal ideas that seem weird to your parents.
All the best, keep us posted!

Hey hershit,

Thank you for the answer.
Well i don't have to lie to my parents about how I met her because they already know! They actually know she's my distance friend/bff and sometimes ask how she's going etc.
What worries me is about the romantic part of the relationship, as they may not understand that a romance can build from the distance... Distance relationships are weird for their generation!
Also since i had a huge depression in 2018, and I'm still under treatment. Even if I'm feeling way better I'm worried they would think my girlfriend kind of manipulates me/uses my weakness for whatever reason. Or that I would have lower judgment and take decisions rapidly

[Idril]

I am not sure what would be the best, but I think I would tell them it's a friend. Most people don't understand online relationships and they are afraid that people on the Internet just want to scam.

Hey Anna,

Yes, like i answered to hershit, they may not understand distance relationship...
Also i have depression and my gf too... It could either help me convince my parents by saying "she's like me she won't hurt me" or on the contrary scare them... Ugh

[Idril]

Hi Idril, I am in a long distance relationship and I have an LGBT teenage daughter. When my daughter came out I was very happy for her and I am totally fine with it. The most important thing you want for your child is that he or she is happy. Your parents also want to make sure that you are safe. So they may seem protective. But hopefully they have an open mind and accept your choices and support you with them. I would see no harm in my daughter wanting to live with her lover when she would go to university. From an age point of view that is ok. I would assume your girlfriend will have more cultural barriers to overcome. So talk to your parents would be my advice. Their reaction might surprise you (my daughter was nervous too). Bonne chance.

Hi DirkJanV,

I'm glad to receive an answer from someone who's the same generation as my parents! Well my parents sometimes surprise me positively by their reactions, maybe they got more open-minded with age?
I actually think about inviting my girlfriend home next summer, before starting master. By then i wish to have come out to my parents... Maybe on Christmas.
My mom's cousin is married to a woman and my parents are cool about it, but it's often harder to accept when it comes to your own child.

Tell me please, after hearing my story, what would be your concerns as a parent?

[DirkJanV]

My only concern as a parent would be about the well-being of my child. I think that the main issues you will face will relate to the cultural background of your girlfriend. My concern would be if my child realises the full extend of what she might be facing. I would not judge or impose an opinion but I would just want to be reassured that my child had thought this through. Love is a powerful drive and it may cause blind spots. Speaking from experience. For the rest I would not have concerns and would be looking forward to welcome my child’s loved one into the family. So be strong but do it with common sense. Good luck.

[morris rory]

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